“One Man Band” Old Dominion

So I have been a one man band for a long time now. Not wanting to need anyone. I am pretty successful at this actually. problem is I dont want to be anymore and this is opening me up to hurt. needing someone is relying on them. Emotionally and physically opening your heart and mind to allowing someone to take care of you and your needs. this is hard for me bc I have never trusted anyone to take care of me better than me but it is lonely. The truth is that to be in a successful relationship you have to be able to lean a little on the person that you are with every now and then. Emotionally I am a wreck. I almost always don’t want to do any of this life anymore which is a horrible way to live everyday. But when I tell others how I feel they suggest pills, therapy, psycho doctors.... its whatever. Instead of trying to understand me and listen to me and help me that way they RUN! It’s uncomfortable for them and they don’t have to time. The world is a selfish place. Always has been for me. Everyone only uses me for what they need. What about what I need?? It’s bc I have allowed it bc its easier to give than to receive. especially when I constantly feel like I dont deserve it or that is is just easier to take care of it myself. faster than trying to explain to someone else or getting hurt with miscommunication or them just not caring. So what is harder is trusting someone that doesn’t get it and doesn’t understand how hard I have protected myself from the rest of the selfish world and how very special it is that I have chosen him to open myself up to. Maybe that sounds very self involved but whatever it sounds like it is the truth to me. He should feel special me giving myself to him like I have and he should decide to not take this lightly and he does. Its like it doesn’t mean anything to him and I feel like I deserve it to mean something to him. He is very careless in taking care of my heart/feelings. Bc apparently I should feel like the rest of the world and not care what others think. I naturally dont work that way and everything matters. the way you sigh or cough or breath next to me tells me something. I can feel the energy that others give off their skin. I can literally feel them and their feelings. when it is tension that is the worst feeling. feeling others when they are mad or not paying attention or a mean boss. anyways it just sucks feeling others. I went to a tarot card reader last weekend and she said it is bc I am letting my own walls down that I am feeling everyone else. that bc I have spent my whole life walled up and now and decided to let down and let someone else try to care for me that now I have let all the crap on the other side of my walls that I have kept out MY WHOLE LIFE just come through freely and it is new for me. so now I have to practice pushing other people out. But wait.... isn’t that what I am trying to get away from?? Walling people out of my heart?? What do I do? I don’t know. Keep people out or let them in? Let a man take care of me that doesn’t know how to? I have a lot on my mind right now and it makes me feel overwhelmed and like crying all the time. So I decided to start writing again. I don’t know if it will help or not but I am at the end of my rope and exhausted trying to escape my head in my head. So better to try and get some of the power of my thoughts out into the universe so they dont eat me alive from the inside out. I sometimes feel like I am decaying inside bc of my feelings. The sadness is lonely. Very lonely. No one seems to understand how it feels. Signed..... Trust issues and Walled up.

I don't miss you. Jerks cnt b missed. They don't deserve to b.

I miss u

I miss u. I miss the way u make me laugh. I miss ur "Big Laugh" whenever u found something really funny or cute. I miss how u called me baby. I miss the way I felt inside when getting a message or call from u. I miss ur smile. I miss fighting with u. I miss the way u would light up when u would c me. I miss ur hands on me. I miss the way u would stare at me like I was the most beautiful person or like u were seeing some sort of light. I miss u loving me.
I hate missing u :(((

Paloma Faith... When You're Gone

Today has bn a little quiet. A little difficult.
I cried for my dad tonight. This song is how I feel. How I feel about the relationship that has just ended and about how love has bn in my life.

Lyrics:
"When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything washes over me and cleans me 'til I'm shining
For your touch there are no words
I fly with high hopes in the birds
And I know there's nothing better 'cause I'm smiling

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

You tell me that you are different
I'll be saved and I'll be lifted
It's not easy but I'm trying to believe you
All the angels lost their halos
I have no choice but to let go
There are times when I feel paper thin and see-through

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything..
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone."

I hv started every relationship telling the other person "u will only b here X amount of time." And guess what... It happens. They leave or hurt me somehow where I shut down. Or they start to love me and I shut down. Or they just disappear. No word of y or goodbye. Just gone. Poof!
My dad... I was a daddy's girl for sure. When he left it was so traumatic that it happened when I was 5 and I remember all the details of it and cn relive it n my mind as if it just happened. He was suppose to b my hero. I was suppose to call him when I hurt later n life on things and say "daddy I need u" but he left. Killed my soul. I need him. I talked with a great friend tonight and trying to come to terms with y every prominent relationship that I hv had n my life has bn with a man that was emotionally unavailable. Promises that were always broken. And my friend did help me realize that n all these relationships I was trying to make my dad stay. I am somehow trying to fix him and make him stay but like I told them... I cnt fix him. He already left me. And I don't knw what happened to my dad to make him the recluse he is today. I don't knw. I was thinking about it and started thinking that's y I hv to somehow start doing the opposite. Stop running from the relationships that start on fire. Or they cn b on fire but I cnt give into it. Hv to stay slow for awhile. Anyways. What ever. I just want to disappear somehow. Another song... Will.i.am ... Scream and Shout (feat. Britney Spears)

No music...

So I am trying to keep strong and listen to my whatever the fuck it is inside me that is telling me he will never ever change and u deserve better. U deserve someone who loves u for all of who u r!! Y do I insist on letting some man make me feel like shit?! Accuse me of having affairs and that I am seeing 2-3 other men. That I am sending them the same pics and songs that I send him. And he isn't even the man I am married to! I just feel like I need him and I love him. I just knw how he is when he is not being an ass! He is caring and sweet and loving. He holds me and kisses me and laughs with me. He has this "big laugh" that I call it when he thinks something is really funny or silly. His chin/jaw is square and muscular. He is tall so when he holds me I disappear n him where I feel safe and loved. My husband and me r just like friends. We don't hv that type of relationship anymore. I cnt forgive him for the past. But my daughter needs him n her life and I won't take that from her like it was taken from me. Of course it would b much different for her bc neither her dad or myself would ever leave her life but I just cnt. And we get along with each other. Don't fight or anything. Just hang out and take care of her. I don't give him the wrong impression of our relationship and he is sad about it but I cnt change how my soul feels about him. He left me unattended where my heart and soul r concerned for pretty much out entire relationship.
Anyways... I miss the man I hv bn seeing though. But I cnt forgive him anymore either. No matter how he makes me feel he has done nothing but LIE to me! And recently his biggest lie knocked me over and drowned me. We had bn seeing each other for a couple mths now and everything seemed like I was dreaming. I was soooo fucking happy and just living in this fantasy in my head that we might actually hv something this time and filling out my dreams that we might actually b able to move in together and live together and wake up together and I could cook for him. I just had to work on getting back to work. And I was doing that. Then I was going to meet him for lunch one afternoon and I got a text from a woman that used to b my friend telling me the office gossip. I hadn't heard from her for a couple mths and had stopped talking to her. So what a surprise to b getting a text from her. And the content of the text sent the room spinning for me... :(( one of the office gossip pieces was that his wife and him were hving another baby! I thought I was going to throw up and everything felt like it went black. But I had to swallow it down to say goodbye and leave to go meet him.
Since then my heart/soul never really recovered. Everything that I thought was going great and all the fantasies n my head just turned to ashes. With just a few words on a text. And then during Christmas his wife puts a bunch of pictures on his Facebook and apparently they hv known about the pregnancy since Halloween time. Which meant he knew from the start of us talking again and didn't feel the need to tell me! Mind u I just lost his baby in July! I felt so betrayed an sooooo fucking stupid!! :((( I still do. I couldn't leave n that moment bc I didn't want to make the wrong decision bc everything had bn feeling so perfect. Truth is I should hv but I needed time to understand that.
So now I am sitting here at night posting a blog to get it out of my head. If I blog about it I'm not emailing him or texting him. When I feel the need to email or text him I will just put it in here instead and hit post instead of send. :(
Fucker! I am sick of hurting and being n pain for him. He has bn my life since
Last may no matter any lie or hurt. I just wanted him. :(( and now I hv to learn to let him go.

I am alone....

Hurt... Christina Aguilera

i havent been here for awhile... i just dont knw where else to turn at the moment. im hurting so bad. i knw everyone hurts and all that... i dont fucking care at the moment. my pain is all that i can c or that matters and maybe thats selfish but i dont fucking care! All i can do is c him in my head. feel his eyes look through me. feel his hand on my stomach talking to our unborn baby. holding me. making me feel like i am all that matters to him. its all gone... him... the baby... all of it. part of the disease i guess. i just knw that i miss him. he was so crazy. nothing was going to change that and who he is. he would always be who he is. and nothing can change a person from the outside. no woman. no child. no mother/father. no... change comes from within. and he still has to fully admit that he is sick. i knw that i am. i just dont knw what happened. i was doing fine. i mean i wasnt being as healthy as i could have been but i had someone in my life that was great to me. but i was "bored" of what was "normal" and he was there in my moment of weakness. i dont knw what is wrong with me. i just destroy anything good in my life and make a wreck of it and it hurts. now... well now i have no job bc i quit it bc i couldnt stand the thought of seeing him after the baby. and i dont have my baby. and i dont have him either. not that i was going to leave my life for him to begin with. after the baby we didnt talk for a couple weeks. i cut him out and decided to move on but i got weak and sent an email with a song link. i missed him. i had changed my phone number and everything to get past it and try to move on. but he responded to my email of course saying how he thought something had happened and he had been asking everyone about me and if they had my new number etc. said how he missed me so much and needed me. how he wanted to make "us" work and all the lies. that was good for about a mth probably and a couple of weeks ago it ended again and this time it is actually for good and its painful. no contact. he kept accusing me of being with someone else. constantly through the ENTIRE relationship. when since May i have done nothing but think about him. i hv only slept with him. only "loved" him. but he was just so irrational. he was/is like a light switch. one minute he was loving me and the next he was telling me i was sleeping with someone else and he hated sharing me. i feel like it is/was my punishment for doing all the wrong i have done the past few years. to finally find someone u care about so much but they cant love/care about me bc of stuff i hv done. bc of how heartless and uncaring and unloving i have been in my relationship with my husband. my punishment... i keep hving these pains in my stomach where the baby was today. like reminders. i keep thinking if i still had my baby he would still b in my life. even though i knw that i dont want him in my life really bc he is so toxic and painful. i just feel like i am in a horrible dark hole right now. its painful. i am trying desperately to remember all the good i have in my life at the same time but alot of times the pain of not wanting to live any longer is overwhelming. i try to tell the people around me how i feel like that bc i dont want it to hv the power enough to really happen. but they are sick of me i think. sick of me complaining about how hard life is and how i hate it. open ur eyes... look around you. i c my beautiful baby and i cnt imagine life without her. i cnt imagine taking myself out of her life bc i knw she needs me. she is what keeps me here. i just cnt figure out how people just say things. they just open theirs mouths and this shit comes out and its lies. just dont open ur fucking mouths. just keep them shut unles u really mean the things u say. i dont say i love u. i dont say i miss u. i dont say shit unless i feel it inside and its suppose to be said. i dont confuse people and say things to make them hurt later. think about what u say to people before u open ur mouth. i just sometimes dont understand the point. why was i put here? to keep feeling this way? to hv these ups and downs. to feel happy. to feel sad. all n blinks. i told my husband tonight i dont understand how they dont put me as borderline bipolar. its not just the ups and downs. i do things that are just cut throat. i quit my job! just one day to the next. i made $80K/yr and hv expensive bills but it didnt matter. just quit. i make these decisions and just do them. if i dont want u in my life anymore... done. i dont talk to u anymore. sell my house and just walk away... done. only some people get my attention enough to where i cnt forget them. he is one of them. i cnt get rid of him. im trying. i knw it gets better over time but im afraid that he is going to b like the other one in my life that just got stuck in my head. only he is worse bc of the baby. i would b 4 mths right now. i am just not sure what i am suppose to be doing in this moment. i dont want to go back to the career i was doing bc of the stress. alot of money but they take ur soul. i cnt give it any more. but im just in a limbo state right now. meetings... i went to one last week. its just that i feel like people do the meetings and church and stuff bc it gives them something to follow to get their minds off stuff and then they walk around telling everyone how wholly they feel and free. i just couldnt do it. i want answers. Question #1: Footprints in the sand... where are/have you been????!!!! Question #2: Y didnt you stop it?! miracle of ____ give him a heart attack in the moment or something fatal! Question #3: Why cant i love? :( i just want something to change in me to make me understand this. i want to find the person that will help me change and work with me to understand y i am the way i am and to wrap themselves around me. maybe i should have just done drugs or something. good night...