I don't miss you. Jerks cnt b missed. They don't deserve to b.

I miss u

I miss u. I miss the way u make me laugh. I miss ur "Big Laugh" whenever u found something really funny or cute. I miss how u called me baby. I miss the way I felt inside when getting a message or call from u. I miss ur smile. I miss fighting with u. I miss the way u would light up when u would c me. I miss ur hands on me. I miss the way u would stare at me like I was the most beautiful person or like u were seeing some sort of light. I miss u loving me.
I hate missing u :(((

Paloma Faith... When You're Gone

Today has bn a little quiet. A little difficult.
I cried for my dad tonight. This song is how I feel. How I feel about the relationship that has just ended and about how love has bn in my life.

Lyrics:
"When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything washes over me and cleans me 'til I'm shining
For your touch there are no words
I fly with high hopes in the birds
And I know there's nothing better 'cause I'm smiling

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

You tell me that you are different
I'll be saved and I'll be lifted
It's not easy but I'm trying to believe you
All the angels lost their halos
I have no choice but to let go
There are times when I feel paper thin and see-through

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything..
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone."

I hv started every relationship telling the other person "u will only b here X amount of time." And guess what... It happens. They leave or hurt me somehow where I shut down. Or they start to love me and I shut down. Or they just disappear. No word of y or goodbye. Just gone. Poof!
My dad... I was a daddy's girl for sure. When he left it was so traumatic that it happened when I was 5 and I remember all the details of it and cn relive it n my mind as if it just happened. He was suppose to b my hero. I was suppose to call him when I hurt later n life on things and say "daddy I need u" but he left. Killed my soul. I need him. I talked with a great friend tonight and trying to come to terms with y every prominent relationship that I hv had n my life has bn with a man that was emotionally unavailable. Promises that were always broken. And my friend did help me realize that n all these relationships I was trying to make my dad stay. I am somehow trying to fix him and make him stay but like I told them... I cnt fix him. He already left me. And I don't knw what happened to my dad to make him the recluse he is today. I don't knw. I was thinking about it and started thinking that's y I hv to somehow start doing the opposite. Stop running from the relationships that start on fire. Or they cn b on fire but I cnt give into it. Hv to stay slow for awhile. Anyways. What ever. I just want to disappear somehow. Another song... Will.i.am ... Scream and Shout (feat. Britney Spears)

No music...

So I am trying to keep strong and listen to my whatever the fuck it is inside me that is telling me he will never ever change and u deserve better. U deserve someone who loves u for all of who u r!! Y do I insist on letting some man make me feel like shit?! Accuse me of having affairs and that I am seeing 2-3 other men. That I am sending them the same pics and songs that I send him. And he isn't even the man I am married to! I just feel like I need him and I love him. I just knw how he is when he is not being an ass! He is caring and sweet and loving. He holds me and kisses me and laughs with me. He has this "big laugh" that I call it when he thinks something is really funny or silly. His chin/jaw is square and muscular. He is tall so when he holds me I disappear n him where I feel safe and loved. My husband and me r just like friends. We don't hv that type of relationship anymore. I cnt forgive him for the past. But my daughter needs him n her life and I won't take that from her like it was taken from me. Of course it would b much different for her bc neither her dad or myself would ever leave her life but I just cnt. And we get along with each other. Don't fight or anything. Just hang out and take care of her. I don't give him the wrong impression of our relationship and he is sad about it but I cnt change how my soul feels about him. He left me unattended where my heart and soul r concerned for pretty much out entire relationship.
Anyways... I miss the man I hv bn seeing though. But I cnt forgive him anymore either. No matter how he makes me feel he has done nothing but LIE to me! And recently his biggest lie knocked me over and drowned me. We had bn seeing each other for a couple mths now and everything seemed like I was dreaming. I was soooo fucking happy and just living in this fantasy in my head that we might actually hv something this time and filling out my dreams that we might actually b able to move in together and live together and wake up together and I could cook for him. I just had to work on getting back to work. And I was doing that. Then I was going to meet him for lunch one afternoon and I got a text from a woman that used to b my friend telling me the office gossip. I hadn't heard from her for a couple mths and had stopped talking to her. So what a surprise to b getting a text from her. And the content of the text sent the room spinning for me... :(( one of the office gossip pieces was that his wife and him were hving another baby! I thought I was going to throw up and everything felt like it went black. But I had to swallow it down to say goodbye and leave to go meet him.
Since then my heart/soul never really recovered. Everything that I thought was going great and all the fantasies n my head just turned to ashes. With just a few words on a text. And then during Christmas his wife puts a bunch of pictures on his Facebook and apparently they hv known about the pregnancy since Halloween time. Which meant he knew from the start of us talking again and didn't feel the need to tell me! Mind u I just lost his baby in July! I felt so betrayed an sooooo fucking stupid!! :((( I still do. I couldn't leave n that moment bc I didn't want to make the wrong decision bc everything had bn feeling so perfect. Truth is I should hv but I needed time to understand that.
So now I am sitting here at night posting a blog to get it out of my head. If I blog about it I'm not emailing him or texting him. When I feel the need to email or text him I will just put it in here instead and hit post instead of send. :(
Fucker! I am sick of hurting and being n pain for him. He has bn my life since
Last may no matter any lie or hurt. I just wanted him. :(( and now I hv to learn to let him go.