“One Man Band” Old Dominion

So I have been a one man band for a long time now. Not wanting to need anyone. I am pretty successful at this actually. problem is I dont want to be anymore and this is opening me up to hurt. needing someone is relying on them. Emotionally and physically opening your heart and mind to allowing someone to take care of you and your needs. this is hard for me bc I have never trusted anyone to take care of me better than me but it is lonely. The truth is that to be in a successful relationship you have to be able to lean a little on the person that you are with every now and then. Emotionally I am a wreck. I almost always don’t want to do any of this life anymore which is a horrible way to live everyday. But when I tell others how I feel they suggest pills, therapy, psycho doctors.... its whatever. Instead of trying to understand me and listen to me and help me that way they RUN! It’s uncomfortable for them and they don’t have to time. The world is a selfish place. Always has been for me. Everyone only uses me for what they need. What about what I need?? It’s bc I have allowed it bc its easier to give than to receive. especially when I constantly feel like I dont deserve it or that is is just easier to take care of it myself. faster than trying to explain to someone else or getting hurt with miscommunication or them just not caring. So what is harder is trusting someone that doesn’t get it and doesn’t understand how hard I have protected myself from the rest of the selfish world and how very special it is that I have chosen him to open myself up to. Maybe that sounds very self involved but whatever it sounds like it is the truth to me. He should feel special me giving myself to him like I have and he should decide to not take this lightly and he does. Its like it doesn’t mean anything to him and I feel like I deserve it to mean something to him. He is very careless in taking care of my heart/feelings. Bc apparently I should feel like the rest of the world and not care what others think. I naturally dont work that way and everything matters. the way you sigh or cough or breath next to me tells me something. I can feel the energy that others give off their skin. I can literally feel them and their feelings. when it is tension that is the worst feeling. feeling others when they are mad or not paying attention or a mean boss. anyways it just sucks feeling others. I went to a tarot card reader last weekend and she said it is bc I am letting my own walls down that I am feeling everyone else. that bc I have spent my whole life walled up and now and decided to let down and let someone else try to care for me that now I have let all the crap on the other side of my walls that I have kept out MY WHOLE LIFE just come through freely and it is new for me. so now I have to practice pushing other people out. But wait.... isn’t that what I am trying to get away from?? Walling people out of my heart?? What do I do? I don’t know. Keep people out or let them in? Let a man take care of me that doesn’t know how to? I have a lot on my mind right now and it makes me feel overwhelmed and like crying all the time. So I decided to start writing again. I don’t know if it will help or not but I am at the end of my rope and exhausted trying to escape my head in my head. So better to try and get some of the power of my thoughts out into the universe so they dont eat me alive from the inside out. I sometimes feel like I am decaying inside bc of my feelings. The sadness is lonely. Very lonely. No one seems to understand how it feels. Signed..... Trust issues and Walled up.

I don't miss you. Jerks cnt b missed. They don't deserve to b.

I miss u

I miss u. I miss the way u make me laugh. I miss ur "Big Laugh" whenever u found something really funny or cute. I miss how u called me baby. I miss the way I felt inside when getting a message or call from u. I miss ur smile. I miss fighting with u. I miss the way u would light up when u would c me. I miss ur hands on me. I miss the way u would stare at me like I was the most beautiful person or like u were seeing some sort of light. I miss u loving me.
I hate missing u :(((

Paloma Faith... When You're Gone

Today has bn a little quiet. A little difficult.
I cried for my dad tonight. This song is how I feel. How I feel about the relationship that has just ended and about how love has bn in my life.

Lyrics:
"When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything washes over me and cleans me 'til I'm shining
For your touch there are no words
I fly with high hopes in the birds
And I know there's nothing better 'cause I'm smiling

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

You tell me that you are different
I'll be saved and I'll be lifted
It's not easy but I'm trying to believe you
All the angels lost their halos
I have no choice but to let go
There are times when I feel paper thin and see-through

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything..
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone."

I hv started every relationship telling the other person "u will only b here X amount of time." And guess what... It happens. They leave or hurt me somehow where I shut down. Or they start to love me and I shut down. Or they just disappear. No word of y or goodbye. Just gone. Poof!
My dad... I was a daddy's girl for sure. When he left it was so traumatic that it happened when I was 5 and I remember all the details of it and cn relive it n my mind as if it just happened. He was suppose to b my hero. I was suppose to call him when I hurt later n life on things and say "daddy I need u" but he left. Killed my soul. I need him. I talked with a great friend tonight and trying to come to terms with y every prominent relationship that I hv had n my life has bn with a man that was emotionally unavailable. Promises that were always broken. And my friend did help me realize that n all these relationships I was trying to make my dad stay. I am somehow trying to fix him and make him stay but like I told them... I cnt fix him. He already left me. And I don't knw what happened to my dad to make him the recluse he is today. I don't knw. I was thinking about it and started thinking that's y I hv to somehow start doing the opposite. Stop running from the relationships that start on fire. Or they cn b on fire but I cnt give into it. Hv to stay slow for awhile. Anyways. What ever. I just want to disappear somehow. Another song... Will.i.am ... Scream and Shout (feat. Britney Spears)

No music...

So I am trying to keep strong and listen to my whatever the fuck it is inside me that is telling me he will never ever change and u deserve better. U deserve someone who loves u for all of who u r!! Y do I insist on letting some man make me feel like shit?! Accuse me of having affairs and that I am seeing 2-3 other men. That I am sending them the same pics and songs that I send him. And he isn't even the man I am married to! I just feel like I need him and I love him. I just knw how he is when he is not being an ass! He is caring and sweet and loving. He holds me and kisses me and laughs with me. He has this "big laugh" that I call it when he thinks something is really funny or silly. His chin/jaw is square and muscular. He is tall so when he holds me I disappear n him where I feel safe and loved. My husband and me r just like friends. We don't hv that type of relationship anymore. I cnt forgive him for the past. But my daughter needs him n her life and I won't take that from her like it was taken from me. Of course it would b much different for her bc neither her dad or myself would ever leave her life but I just cnt. And we get along with each other. Don't fight or anything. Just hang out and take care of her. I don't give him the wrong impression of our relationship and he is sad about it but I cnt change how my soul feels about him. He left me unattended where my heart and soul r concerned for pretty much out entire relationship.
Anyways... I miss the man I hv bn seeing though. But I cnt forgive him anymore either. No matter how he makes me feel he has done nothing but LIE to me! And recently his biggest lie knocked me over and drowned me. We had bn seeing each other for a couple mths now and everything seemed like I was dreaming. I was soooo fucking happy and just living in this fantasy in my head that we might actually hv something this time and filling out my dreams that we might actually b able to move in together and live together and wake up together and I could cook for him. I just had to work on getting back to work. And I was doing that. Then I was going to meet him for lunch one afternoon and I got a text from a woman that used to b my friend telling me the office gossip. I hadn't heard from her for a couple mths and had stopped talking to her. So what a surprise to b getting a text from her. And the content of the text sent the room spinning for me... :(( one of the office gossip pieces was that his wife and him were hving another baby! I thought I was going to throw up and everything felt like it went black. But I had to swallow it down to say goodbye and leave to go meet him.
Since then my heart/soul never really recovered. Everything that I thought was going great and all the fantasies n my head just turned to ashes. With just a few words on a text. And then during Christmas his wife puts a bunch of pictures on his Facebook and apparently they hv known about the pregnancy since Halloween time. Which meant he knew from the start of us talking again and didn't feel the need to tell me! Mind u I just lost his baby in July! I felt so betrayed an sooooo fucking stupid!! :((( I still do. I couldn't leave n that moment bc I didn't want to make the wrong decision bc everything had bn feeling so perfect. Truth is I should hv but I needed time to understand that.
So now I am sitting here at night posting a blog to get it out of my head. If I blog about it I'm not emailing him or texting him. When I feel the need to email or text him I will just put it in here instead and hit post instead of send. :(
Fucker! I am sick of hurting and being n pain for him. He has bn my life since
Last may no matter any lie or hurt. I just wanted him. :(( and now I hv to learn to let him go.

I am alone....

Hurt... Christina Aguilera

i havent been here for awhile... i just dont knw where else to turn at the moment. im hurting so bad. i knw everyone hurts and all that... i dont fucking care at the moment. my pain is all that i can c or that matters and maybe thats selfish but i dont fucking care! All i can do is c him in my head. feel his eyes look through me. feel his hand on my stomach talking to our unborn baby. holding me. making me feel like i am all that matters to him. its all gone... him... the baby... all of it. part of the disease i guess. i just knw that i miss him. he was so crazy. nothing was going to change that and who he is. he would always be who he is. and nothing can change a person from the outside. no woman. no child. no mother/father. no... change comes from within. and he still has to fully admit that he is sick. i knw that i am. i just dont knw what happened. i was doing fine. i mean i wasnt being as healthy as i could have been but i had someone in my life that was great to me. but i was "bored" of what was "normal" and he was there in my moment of weakness. i dont knw what is wrong with me. i just destroy anything good in my life and make a wreck of it and it hurts. now... well now i have no job bc i quit it bc i couldnt stand the thought of seeing him after the baby. and i dont have my baby. and i dont have him either. not that i was going to leave my life for him to begin with. after the baby we didnt talk for a couple weeks. i cut him out and decided to move on but i got weak and sent an email with a song link. i missed him. i had changed my phone number and everything to get past it and try to move on. but he responded to my email of course saying how he thought something had happened and he had been asking everyone about me and if they had my new number etc. said how he missed me so much and needed me. how he wanted to make "us" work and all the lies. that was good for about a mth probably and a couple of weeks ago it ended again and this time it is actually for good and its painful. no contact. he kept accusing me of being with someone else. constantly through the ENTIRE relationship. when since May i have done nothing but think about him. i hv only slept with him. only "loved" him. but he was just so irrational. he was/is like a light switch. one minute he was loving me and the next he was telling me i was sleeping with someone else and he hated sharing me. i feel like it is/was my punishment for doing all the wrong i have done the past few years. to finally find someone u care about so much but they cant love/care about me bc of stuff i hv done. bc of how heartless and uncaring and unloving i have been in my relationship with my husband. my punishment... i keep hving these pains in my stomach where the baby was today. like reminders. i keep thinking if i still had my baby he would still b in my life. even though i knw that i dont want him in my life really bc he is so toxic and painful. i just feel like i am in a horrible dark hole right now. its painful. i am trying desperately to remember all the good i have in my life at the same time but alot of times the pain of not wanting to live any longer is overwhelming. i try to tell the people around me how i feel like that bc i dont want it to hv the power enough to really happen. but they are sick of me i think. sick of me complaining about how hard life is and how i hate it. open ur eyes... look around you. i c my beautiful baby and i cnt imagine life without her. i cnt imagine taking myself out of her life bc i knw she needs me. she is what keeps me here. i just cnt figure out how people just say things. they just open theirs mouths and this shit comes out and its lies. just dont open ur fucking mouths. just keep them shut unles u really mean the things u say. i dont say i love u. i dont say i miss u. i dont say shit unless i feel it inside and its suppose to be said. i dont confuse people and say things to make them hurt later. think about what u say to people before u open ur mouth. i just sometimes dont understand the point. why was i put here? to keep feeling this way? to hv these ups and downs. to feel happy. to feel sad. all n blinks. i told my husband tonight i dont understand how they dont put me as borderline bipolar. its not just the ups and downs. i do things that are just cut throat. i quit my job! just one day to the next. i made $80K/yr and hv expensive bills but it didnt matter. just quit. i make these decisions and just do them. if i dont want u in my life anymore... done. i dont talk to u anymore. sell my house and just walk away... done. only some people get my attention enough to where i cnt forget them. he is one of them. i cnt get rid of him. im trying. i knw it gets better over time but im afraid that he is going to b like the other one in my life that just got stuck in my head. only he is worse bc of the baby. i would b 4 mths right now. i am just not sure what i am suppose to be doing in this moment. i dont want to go back to the career i was doing bc of the stress. alot of money but they take ur soul. i cnt give it any more. but im just in a limbo state right now. meetings... i went to one last week. its just that i feel like people do the meetings and church and stuff bc it gives them something to follow to get their minds off stuff and then they walk around telling everyone how wholly they feel and free. i just couldnt do it. i want answers. Question #1: Footprints in the sand... where are/have you been????!!!! Question #2: Y didnt you stop it?! miracle of ____ give him a heart attack in the moment or something fatal! Question #3: Why cant i love? :( i just want something to change in me to make me understand this. i want to find the person that will help me change and work with me to understand y i am the way i am and to wrap themselves around me. maybe i should have just done drugs or something. good night...

I'm tired...

How does this life work? I just cant figure it out! As much as i hv tried to do this thing right I cannot. I fail and I fall and I pick myself up to at least my knees and then I fail and fall again. I was telling the women that I work with that there has to b this man out there that I meet and we talk and he learns me and what has happened n my life and he understands that to b n a relationship, a lasting one, with me he has to make me c his love for me first. He has to somehow hv had therapy or something to knw that sex is something that has to b taken off the table with me bc if not the relationship he hopes to enter as a lasting one will ultimately fail if he doesn't. All I hv ever known is that sex brings me attention and makes men "love" me. That I don't hv much else to offer except my body. Men don't care about anything else but x typically. I just wish someone out there would understand me and love me. Is there this man out there? I don't knw. I am just so weird right now. I knw that my husband loves me and would do anything for me but he doesn't knw how to show it. Which after 16 years i find absolutely disappointing that he doesn't knw how to show me that he loves me and to knw when i am in a low and need some extra help to pull myself up.
Lately i hv been trying to pin point the exact moment in time when we fell away from each other. I can't. We used to b so connected. Now i don't knw him and he doesn't knw me.
I hv bn n a relationship with another man for 9 mths now. So every time my husband does try to reach out, which isn't that often, i feel like a complete loser. I just don't knw how to walk away. And what if that is the wrong decision? I read the story of hosea for the first time the other day. Unconditional love. Hahahaha. Is there such a thing anymore? I mean i don't think that there is. But then again i don't believe n love. I hv yet to find that. That is going to b that man that just knows my soul.
I sm all over the place tonight. I hvnt written anything for awhile so i thought i would take some time out to let go of some stuff but mu head is to crowded so it just mashes together. Plus i just worked a 13 hr day.
Whatever. Sorry if i wasted ur time.

I'm tired...

"Almost Lover" A Fine Frenzy

I dreamt about you last night. :-( I have never had you in my dreams before. I was putting my baby girl in my car and you pulled up beside me and unrolled your window. u just stared at me. i didnt recognize u. and then i finally came to who u were. u had small children in ur truck with u and i said "what do u want?" and u got out of the truck and grabbed ahold of me and a hugged me and whispered in my ear.... " i fucked up so badly letting you go." i just cried.

on my way to work this morning i just needed to b alone. just listen to my ipod and b alone. i wasnt thinking about the dream at all. didnt even realize that i had it i just felt strange. i turned on "almost lover" and u appeared. my dream reentered my mind and there u were. ur sad eyes and scarred lip. u r prob the only person that when u would look at me i could not look away. u just embraced me with ur eyes. and then i started thinking with the only part of me that i can believe right now. i pulled up the rational part of my head and said to myself "y am i so stuck on this man that doesnt even prob EVER think about me!!!??" i hate this!!! and i heard myself say "y didnt u want me?" to my father. and i nearly died in the car driving. y didnt he want me? y didnt he want me? and i then started to think about my thoughts of suicide and thinking that my baby is better off not seeing me sad like this and how my therapist said no she wouldnt be. i knw she wouldnt be i just dont knw what is wrong with me. how can i make this better? how can i make this stuff go away? i am trying. i am going to therapy again and attending a meeting a week. haha. i hate the meetings but i get alot from them. alot of awareness and clarity. and now that i have found one that i really belong in it should be interesting. avoidance meetings. they are unreal! alot of pain sitting in that room even with the ones that are trying sooooo hard to be happy u can see their sadness just shine through. but only a true avoidant would prob b able to see that.

i hv to get to work. talk more later. just needed to get some stuff off my head.

cont... Jar of Hearts...

I cannot love anyone ever again. i am half a life. the only love i will ever know from this point on is the love for and from my daughter. without that i die.

"Jar of Hearts" Christinna Perri

This song is bringing up so much pain. it just describes my "qualifier" in every word of the lyrics. how he kept coming back into my life and just taking my soul and just leaving me completely empty and helpless. i remember walking around the house completely alone and just falling to my knees unable to stand under the hole in my chest that would just consume me and take over. it hurt soooo fucking much. i have never experienced a pain so whole before. i mean feeling alone is something that i have grown accustomed to growing up in pain but having someone be able to break down ALL of my walls and take me in with every fiber of my being was something i had NEVER experienced. and he was so heartless. i think about him all the time and that hurts even more bc every 2 steps forward i take, every memory pulls me back 1. and my heart just hurts all over again. i knw that many people hv experienced heartache but for someone to b able to reach you at every level inside ur being and u to obviously not be able to do the same to them is just incredible. and it wasnt even "love" it was "lust." complete and total infatuation and lust. how can something so strong just be that? its just so confusing to me. i wonder all the time if he ever thinks about me? i mean i would like to think that he does bc what we had was on such a different level but i knw that he doesnt. how could he? i was just there. i was someone he used to fulfill his desires at the time. he didnt care about me just what i could give him physically. i remember back on occasion to the moments with him and how he would just sit back and let me do what needed to be done. i remember, as sadly and as less as i possibly can, how i was so into it and being rigorously honest with myself i knw that he wasnt. i can see it in my head on his face. it was just happening for him. there were moments that i could tell that he would have done anything for me to fuck him and he would be really into it. but it was only for the fuck. after that it was on to where we needed to be. for him that was his wife that i didnt know about. HA! anyways. i remember being in a hotel room with him and sitting at the little table that was in there across from eachother and the way he just looked straight into my eyes past them and directly through to my soul. i loved his eyes. i knw i did. they were sad. like mine. and i felt his sadness that he never let me into. i think if he had he would not hv bn able to leave but he wouldnt. its fine. its over. whats done is done and i cnt make a heart love me (like the george straight song) so i will learn to love myself as best i can. which lately has been quite difficult. i honestly hate myself most of the time. well back to work.
later...

.....

I miss my dad.... i dont knw how to feel right now. :-(

"last kiss" taylor swift

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG i wish i could do that outloud today. my insides are just screaming!! i cant shake this feeling today. y some days its so strong i dont knw. i hate it. i just dont knw where i am right in this moment. i am plugged up to my ipod trying to numb out and escape by working without interruption. no noise from people around me. my own quiet sad world surrounding my soul. i dont want to wake up. just sleep inside myself. leave me to quiet. leave me to my sadness. leave me to my thoughts. leave me to die inside a little in this moment. i dont want to think about loving or surviving for just minutes. does anyone outside really understand this? can anyone relate?? it doesnt matter bc prob not because it is different for everyone. the quiet.
people in my quad of cubicle life today started a discussion again for prob the 3rd of 4th time in a week about abuse. my body dies inside and trembles at the words that are coming out of their mouths. PLEASE stop!!!!! how do u beg a conversation to stop without saying words for them to hear? i die inside instead. quietly screaming alone. im not exactly sure bc normally i listen to their words, stupid words of nonsense and ignorance, bc they dont knw what they are talking about. no experience on what they are preaching. none. they just think bc they helped some poor unfortunate child that lives in fear and shame that they knw what they are talking about. they think they knw the pain that the child will feel for the rest of thier life. they are so fucking clueless! fucking hurts to listen to it. and i hv just stopped. i cnt take it in anymore. i used to sit and listen for my chance to jump in and correct their ignorance. instead i freak out inside trying to escape from hearing it. i cnt take the fight anymore. the educating people who think they knw everything. its not even about that... its about speaking to dead ears. y bother? y waste my time? i dont hv the strength for it right now either. and every fucking time they start talking about it out comes the vomit that i try so hard every day to swallow down and forget. YYYYYY?????? cant i????? it just makes me so sad and i want to just run and cry. but i am at work. here until 330 and then home to take care of my girl. no time to cry. cnt mess up my makeup. cnt let them see me sad. dont want questions. dont want to go into the shame i feel inside.
so its just me and this blog...
me and my music...
me and my memories...
me and my pain...
me and my sadness.................
some days i feel like i dont knw how i am standing. how i am breathing. how i am able to smile to the people around me. so many hows... i cant even and dont even want to try and explain today. just want to sit and work and just be. is that fucking alright??!!!
and the anger is starting to rise from inside my chest. the burning. the pain that i try to ignore.
i am going to go back to my silence for now. if u need me i will be inside myself. let me. its the only place where i feel welcome. everything is alright here.
write u later blogger people that may only listen bc they have to actually read the words rather than hear them. when u read them u take them in. whatever....

Paramore "The Only Exception"

Today i am wondering how lonely a person can possibly feel? my hole is re-entering my body. how can i only hv this space to talk to without any limitations. i cant trust anyone. i lose myself here. i dont even write it all on here. is there anyone out there that has secrets that only U fucking know?! i need an answer to this question. does anyone else hate that u cant tell another soul what is going on in ur life? well i knw y i cant tell anyone bc everyone around me does everything the way u r suppose to do it. cheating and lying is not something that i surround myself with but i am a part of on my own. i know no one that is in this or has been at this moment. of course while in the program i did but i am not currently attending those meetings right now. its really frustrating to be in a life where everyone frowns on what u do but they dont knw. they hv NO idea who u r. well IT might bc i am writing this at work and of course they can see all of my history and knw all of my personal life im sure. but what the hell. this is the only time that i hv to write and get stuff out of my head. the few mins here and there throughout my work stuff.
whenever something goes wrong in my life or i first hear a song i think about my qualifier. im not sure y i just do. everything about him made me happy but i knw that it wasnt real. it was fast and like a whirlwind, a tornado, a hurricane, a rollercoaster, any fucking fast adrenaline life experience u can conjour up that was the experience with him every time. he just knocked the breath from me and he loved it. he loved lighting me up and then punching me in the chest. u knw that emotional abuse feels exactly if not WORSE than physical abuse any day! physical abuse is something that u can see and u knw it happened and u can prove it and people sympathize with . emotional abuse is something that only u see and feel. only u can say it out loud that it happened and then they are only words to explain how u feel or felt. when someone sees a bruise they think "wow that must hv hurt" and they feel sorry for u and cuddle and love on u. when its words people tune u out. fuck them.
i hv tried to write songs about the way that i feel but i just cant do it. the lyrics come out to long and i cant think of a tune to go along with them so trying to write a song without a tune is almost pointless. so i just write it out this way. but songs that i listen to - most of them! - carrry in the lyrics the exact way that i feel. there are useless shit that i listen to just to carry my mood upstream (most of the time that is hip hop and cave club shit). but bands like trespassers william, paramore (all i wanted was u), lifehouse, mayer, finch, and others are my loves. i dont knw what my life would look like without the influence of music. it is prob my one and only true passion with the exception of my daughter now. i will attach the lyrics to the song title of the blog in a minute.
i lost my dog of 11 yrs the past saturday. there are no words to describe his soft fur laying with no movement. seeing his tongue turn purple was excruciatingly painful. seeing his last breathes escape his body. knowing that i was never going to feel his soft face and rub his ears and hear him grunt with appreciation as i was doing it. for 11 yrs he loved me unconditionally. no matter how upset i got with him after he chewed up my shoes or ate the hamburger off the table. he LOVED me! he is the only animal (human animal included) that i knw LOVED me and just loved me..... all of my flaws. i didnt hv to explain anything to him. just "b" with him. and he didnt want anything but all of me and my attention. just wanted my love in return for nothing. no sex, no communication, no anything. just wanted me to pet him and hug him. lol when i left my husband for a short while he was my ONLY friend. he slept with me beside my bed every night and let me cry on him. he loved me.... and he is gone. and it fucking hurts. so bad that i feel like chaos is all around me suffocating me and draining me. but isnt that what i yearn for?? chaos?? i am sick of trying to understand this pain. tired of trying to control it and make it better. sick of trying to talk myself into something wrong being right. but what is right? can u actually love 2 people?? do we not love more than one bc whoever made sense of the Bible and all of the other religious beliefs said that it was wrong and we will go to Hell or wherever lost souls go? thats what i believe. we follow everything we are brainwashed into believing. where are our souls? where are our true souls that are independent of what we are told? apparently i am one of the ones that "God" will leave behind bc of my sins. fuck that! my Higher Power and my Higher Power alone makes that decision and i think that as fucked up as some might think of me and my choices he/she/it will forgive me and love me bc he/she/it was with me in that room when my uncle put his shit in my mouth at 5 and he/she/it was there when my dad left me. he/she/it knws my every thought and every time my soul bleeds and hurts.
anyways... i will stop being a crzy person and tell u about the song. the lyrics are:

When I was youngerI saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watchedAs he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promisedI'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhereDeep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until I had sworn to myself that
I'mContent with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can'tLet go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh---You, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

this song doesnt actually make me think of anyone. it makes me think about how i am about love. and how i became to believe what i believe about love. and that i am meant to live out this life alone.
ttyl bloggers.

....

so i told my husband what has bn swimming in my head the past few weeks. i am struggling somewhat internally. as always. i turn my pain inside on myself. i just feel like at some point it will all come tumbling down and i am going to crumble.
i dont hv any time alone in my head anymore except the drive home from work. this is the only place that i feel the "real" me surfaces and everything that i am not thinking about comes forward like bile. my thoughts are scary. to me anyways. i hv to b this certain person now more than ever for my daughters sake. i refuse to let her grow up with any of the pain/trauma that i hv experienced as long as i can control it. i knw that she will ultimately face some sort of pain/trauma but i pray that it is nothing compared with what i carry around. so i go home and i am her mom. i am happy, i mean i hv my moments of "ahhhh!" when she is crying and i cnt figure out what she wants. what mom doesnt? and if u dont hv those moments... good for u. also, shame on u. children need to knw that not every day is a party and everything is always happy and smooth. that is doing them a disservice. bc when something does happen that creates some sort of chaos in their lives they are going to crumble not knwing what to do. i hv seen it and heard the stories from friends whose parents acted like nothing bad ever happened. when my friends mom later tried to kill herself she jumped off and didnt knw where to go or what to do. she thought everything was fine. she drank and partied and whatever else u want to include in there. so i knw that u cant act perfect. so i admit that i do hv my moments where i just go "what do u want?!" its hard not to. but when i am alone in my car driving home... i just wonder when i am going to crack and if/when i do i dont think that it will b back to the person that i was 5 yrs ago... i just feel like i will try to end it all. that scares me. terrifies me actually. then when i reflect on everything and i knw that i could never do it bc the thing that has kept me here in this "life" is that i dont want to hurt anyone that horribly. i knw that people love me and i could never quit on them. but i just hv to start realizing that i cant b what everyone else wants me to b. i hv to take care of myself and allow myself to feel when i need to feel and talk about what is going on inside my head. its just hard when the days blur together and u cant even remember how old u r. LoL yes all year i hv had to keep calculating my age bc for some freaking reason i cannot remember it. LoL my husband says its that over 30 thing where u just want it to stop so u just stop remembering how old u really are. whatever is going on i think i am turning 33 this year.
well... so now i hv gotten this out into the universe and i am letting it take care of me. I hv bn feeling/thinking this for a few weeks now and so now i hv said it outloud to my husband and written it out on here so that takes power from it all. and makes me feel lighter and allows me to smile. :) thats me smiling. haha
there are alot of days that i dont want to be here and i dont want to experience any of this but then on the good days... i knw y i am here and y i stay here. my girl now says hello to me when i come home at night. and her smile is the most Beautiful smile that i have ever seen my entire life. and her eyes just sparkle with interest and love for everything. i cant imagine missing out on any of those moments.
anyways.... thanks for listening and reading if anyone does. keep being strong and keep taking care of ur inner child and grow. the world becomes a better place when ur inner child grows and becomes stronger. u cant even imagine how that helps you b able to accept things and live everyday.

"War of my Life" John Mayer

So.... its been awhile since i blogged about anything. reason?... i was pregnant. and when prego stress is not good so i try to keep it at a minimal to keep from losing the baby and also to have a happy baby. i dont like to bring up the past when prego. did it with my first baby and she is soooo happy and calm. i lost the baby almost 3 weeks ago. how do i feel? i smile soooo much at work and around others that dont matter. same old stuff. people ask about it and i tell them what happened. and i caught myself doing something that is typical of me... talking about it and smiling. just something i picked up through everything that has happened growing up. i watch these reality shows where they talk to these women that talk about these painful experiences and they smile when talking about it. when asked how they are talking about something so painful and smiling they dont knw y. i guess they hv just learned to survive. i used to tell myself its bc i dont hv a problem with what happened and i tell others so that they are aware and wont let anything happen to their loved ones so they dont have to suffer. guess that really isnt what is happening. its a mask. but honestly what else am i suppose to do?? i hv done everything that is suggested this time to b able to process losing my baby in a healthy way. truth is... it fucking hurts...
i hv bn working so much lately and planning my babies 1 yr bday party that i hv kept my feelings under my skin enough where i hvnt had to deal with them. well its only a matter of time with these things. saturday night after the bday party those feelings that i was harboring came crashing down. i just sobbed. i hv had a Great deal of support through all of this and i am Thankful for everyone in my life! hving people that care has taken me through this more gracefully than anything else in my life. but its going to take time. i hv never lost anyone close to me, or a baby inside me for that matter, so this is all new for me. but i am staying close to my husband and leaning on him. i see my therapist, the old one, on friday. i hv bn doing well at staying true to myself through this but i feel like i need a little extra edge on it all. someone to say yeah that is a great thing that u r doing and try this too. i just HATE feeling!!! hate it with a passion!! but i knw that i hv to walk through the pain of this to come out on the other side healthier and happier. something that i hv never knwn in my life with all of the other pain. the easy part of this is that it happened now when i am able to look it in the face and deal with it headstrong. the stuff that happened in the past was unavoidable and i was a child. children do not knw how to deal with pain. they are taught how to do it by their parents. when my dad left my mom left me too. thats how she dealt with her pain. i will not do that. i see her mistakes and will not relive them with my own daughter.
anyways... i just wanted to check in and get this out into the universe where it belongs. not in my head. :)
laters.

My soul is broken.....

i am so sad right now...
i hurt so bad right now...
i want this crzy fucked up life to stop...
what do i do? pls help...
i love my husband sooooo much. he is my everything. we have bn through hell and back together. we were meant to be together b4 we even had a choice in the choice. it was in the stars. y do i keep hurting him over and over again? y do i keep choosing to hurt myself over and over again? what is wrong with me? y cant i get this right? i hv tasted happiness. it was sweet. it was meaningful. it was alive. it was amazing. it was me prego. but i cant b prego forever and i hv to b able to hv a meaningful relationship bc of myself. not bc i am trying to not hurt someone else. in being prego i would not hurt my love, my baby girl. so i did everything possible to not b sad and to just live. and no one wanted to b with me or bothered me bc i was prego. LoL in a way the "ugly" that i try to create by cutting my hair short and other things was me being prego. i was left alone. mostly. so y cant i do the same thing while not being prego? y cant i just live? y cant i just b happy? i knw that no one has the answer but myself. i want to love my husband. its just that stuff that he doesnt do hurts me. stuff that he says hurts me. it isnt anything ugly i just want so much more than anyone is willing to give me. bc of the unhealthy side of me. the side that i try to work on keeping healthy. still though i completely give in and hurt myself and him. he doesnt even knw that i am hurting him though. i feel like the ugliest person in the world. i am so hateful. unloyal. awful. horrible. i hate myself. i really really do. it hurts so much to knw that i cant love him fully bc of my secrets. and the only way to b able to live is to lose him. and i knw that ultimately one day.... i will. and that hurts even more. and then i just go into this whole thought... 'well he is going to find out and leave me one day anyways...so y shouldnt i just do these things?' and my soul just bleeds. what is worse is that ultimately bc of the secret i hold my little girl will suffer. and prob hate me beyond belief. i just cant handle the thought of losing her. what do i do? my life is a lie. a complete and total lie.
i am going to die alone. i knw that there will b people at my funeral. but they will b there for the shell of a person that they knw. not the real person behind the body. which is really fucking sad. i am just not sure what to do. i knw that i dont want to live the whole rest of my life living like this and knwing that i am a liar but at what cost do i go to get my freedom back?? i hv a huge responsibility now of raising a little human being and not causing her the same pain that i had grwing up. so i guess i just wait. and this should b my punishment. i do deserve this. i knw it. and its fine. i accept that.
for now i just wait... and smile. however exhausting it may be. i will b starting to attend SIA meetings this week. i hope they go well. i knw that i need the support. but i have to b careful. i am scared that going will put more pressure on myself but then again when i was attending meetings...no i still acted out. didnt matter. FUCK!!! :(

"WTF?!"

So i hv bn so angry lately. not outwardly, just inward. i am so sick of everyone telling me stuff like... "well, u r a stronger person bc of what happened to you..." "u hv to accept it and learn to live with it and..." WTF?! what is that? if i had a choice i dont care to be stronger bc some fucker head decided that it was his right to take away my innocence at the age 5! if i had a choice my father would NOT have abandoned us when i was 5! if i had a choice my mother would NOT have bn so selfish and would hv thought that maybe my children are hurting too bc of their father. if i had a choice the other countless fuckerheads that i have encountered would have left me the FUCK alone!!!! what did i do to deserve watching my brother and sister being beaten on whenever some asshole stepfather of ours had a bad day. what did i do to deserve any of what happen to me as a child and young adult?! fuck being stronger bc of it! Fuck accepting it and just learning to live with it! i hv every right to be so fucking pissed off at everyone!
i watched sex rehab tonight. i was in tears! my heart just bleeds for 2 of the people on the show. the gay Duncan who was horribly abused as a child and the Bitch KariAnn who everyone hates bc she doesnt want to deal with the shit that has happened. Duncan is awesome! such a Beautiful soul and doesnt even know it. so in the show tonight they had him talk to the psycho dr about how he was feeling and the guy told him that "every time he acts out he is hurting that little boy (his inner child) over and over again..." my oh my... there is ALOT of truth to that. i dont normally attach pics to my postings. but the 17 yr old that acts out and thinks she is protecting the 5 yr old in me looks like the pic that is attached. doesnt really give a shit about feelings. just takes. takes what she needs to survive. takes what she wants to feel worthy. which is sexual. y does sex make her feel worthy? bc that is how she was taught to love. hahahaha fucking pervs that make us the way we are. i knw that i am NOT the only person out there that has bn put through this Hell. i knw that i am NOT alone but with all of my soul i feel so fucking alone. sooooo fucking alone!!
what do i want? i want someone to love me. i want someone to smother me with their love. i want someone to say fuck no u cant talk to that person. i want someone to challenge me and put down rules. i want someone to guide me and not fucking trust me. i want my father. a father. i want that man that was suppose to give a fuck about me. i want the man that was suppose to protect me and love me so fucking much that he could hardly love himself. i hate him! i hate him! i hate him! how could he allow me to b so vulnerable? how could he have left me so unprotected? he was my world. my heart belonged to him and was wrapped around him forever. but he didnt care. he just broke me. and here i stand... searching for him in every man i meet. and forever i will be let down. bc there is NO man on earth that could/would ever love me as much as my father could/should have. so to the man that was suppose to unconditionally love me and protect me from the real monster that walk, talk, breathe, and surface every day i say..... FUCK YOU!! and i hope that u do live every day of ur life hating urself for the pain that u hv caused me. and to every man that is out there that ever does read this... if u r one of those fathers that left ur children abandoned... shame on u! and Fuck u! bc the pic attached to this blog is prob what ur little girl looks like on the outside/inside.
goodnight blogger universe...

"Because of You" Reba McEntire & Kelly Clarkson

i was on my drive home last night and this song came on. i began just sobbing. tears just falling. i hv bn struggling with something this past week and i cant put my finger on it. something hurts. i think that bc it is hurting me emotionally it is killing me physically as well. just eating at my heart and soul and body. i just havent had the time to sit down and take it in and possible recover from it. its making it hard for me to be present and making temptations harder. my therapist asked me monday if i am going to b ok while she is on vacation for 3 weeks. i mean i have to b right. she is just another person and she needs her breaks and her life. i just wish she could walk beside me for one day and hold my hand like a child. just show me what foot to put in front of the other. i am self taught and that is a scary thing. i am naturally clueless as to what to do next i feel. my boundaries are there but not strong. i couldnt hold one up to save my life prob. it sucks to feel so insecure about who i am suppose to be. where my smile should come from?
there is a guy at work. 26. of course. i dont knw y the younger ones are so attracted to me. he thought i was 28. hahahaha. i am 32. not old but not in my 20s anymore. i dont really wish to be but only to maybe change some things every now and then. so what do u think he wants from me? well of course thats what he wants. he tells me he lives 10 mins from work. hahaha i hv bn to this place b4. its like deja vu. this is exactly the same path the last course took. it was the guy upstairs and then someone that i work with in my group and then asshole that was married and lied to me and i gave up everything for, and then just men to try and escape the pain. destractions. and a few of them only one night. easy ones. so here i am escaping in the same exact pattern. upstairs and now a guy that i work with. so freaking crzy that my head is spinning. and it is my fault. do i clse the door to this new hit?? no. bc then what? i am getting older and feel ugly. fat. just gross. i like to b told that i am not. wow that is awful isnt it? prob so but i dont care. u dont knw me. i am so brutally honest on here that i sometimes cant believe that i write this stuff.
so i write this stuff to get some perspective on it but no one ever says anything. makes me even more like an idiot and awful person. which is prob true. anyways. i just had to get some stuff out this morning. i may add something later.