Hurt... Christina Aguilera

i havent been here for awhile... i just dont knw where else to turn at the moment. im hurting so bad. i knw everyone hurts and all that... i dont fucking care at the moment. my pain is all that i can c or that matters and maybe thats selfish but i dont fucking care! All i can do is c him in my head. feel his eyes look through me. feel his hand on my stomach talking to our unborn baby. holding me. making me feel like i am all that matters to him. its all gone... him... the baby... all of it. part of the disease i guess. i just knw that i miss him. he was so crazy. nothing was going to change that and who he is. he would always be who he is. and nothing can change a person from the outside. no woman. no child. no mother/father. no... change comes from within. and he still has to fully admit that he is sick. i knw that i am. i just dont knw what happened. i was doing fine. i mean i wasnt being as healthy as i could have been but i had someone in my life that was great to me. but i was "bored" of what was "normal" and he was there in my moment of weakness. i dont knw what is wrong with me. i just destroy anything good in my life and make a wreck of it and it hurts. now... well now i have no job bc i quit it bc i couldnt stand the thought of seeing him after the baby. and i dont have my baby. and i dont have him either. not that i was going to leave my life for him to begin with. after the baby we didnt talk for a couple weeks. i cut him out and decided to move on but i got weak and sent an email with a song link. i missed him. i had changed my phone number and everything to get past it and try to move on. but he responded to my email of course saying how he thought something had happened and he had been asking everyone about me and if they had my new number etc. said how he missed me so much and needed me. how he wanted to make "us" work and all the lies. that was good for about a mth probably and a couple of weeks ago it ended again and this time it is actually for good and its painful. no contact. he kept accusing me of being with someone else. constantly through the ENTIRE relationship. when since May i have done nothing but think about him. i hv only slept with him. only "loved" him. but he was just so irrational. he was/is like a light switch. one minute he was loving me and the next he was telling me i was sleeping with someone else and he hated sharing me. i feel like it is/was my punishment for doing all the wrong i have done the past few years. to finally find someone u care about so much but they cant love/care about me bc of stuff i hv done. bc of how heartless and uncaring and unloving i have been in my relationship with my husband. my punishment... i keep hving these pains in my stomach where the baby was today. like reminders. i keep thinking if i still had my baby he would still b in my life. even though i knw that i dont want him in my life really bc he is so toxic and painful. i just feel like i am in a horrible dark hole right now. its painful. i am trying desperately to remember all the good i have in my life at the same time but alot of times the pain of not wanting to live any longer is overwhelming. i try to tell the people around me how i feel like that bc i dont want it to hv the power enough to really happen. but they are sick of me i think. sick of me complaining about how hard life is and how i hate it. open ur eyes... look around you. i c my beautiful baby and i cnt imagine life without her. i cnt imagine taking myself out of her life bc i knw she needs me. she is what keeps me here. i just cnt figure out how people just say things. they just open theirs mouths and this shit comes out and its lies. just dont open ur fucking mouths. just keep them shut unles u really mean the things u say. i dont say i love u. i dont say i miss u. i dont say shit unless i feel it inside and its suppose to be said. i dont confuse people and say things to make them hurt later. think about what u say to people before u open ur mouth. i just sometimes dont understand the point. why was i put here? to keep feeling this way? to hv these ups and downs. to feel happy. to feel sad. all n blinks. i told my husband tonight i dont understand how they dont put me as borderline bipolar. its not just the ups and downs. i do things that are just cut throat. i quit my job! just one day to the next. i made $80K/yr and hv expensive bills but it didnt matter. just quit. i make these decisions and just do them. if i dont want u in my life anymore... done. i dont talk to u anymore. sell my house and just walk away... done. only some people get my attention enough to where i cnt forget them. he is one of them. i cnt get rid of him. im trying. i knw it gets better over time but im afraid that he is going to b like the other one in my life that just got stuck in my head. only he is worse bc of the baby. i would b 4 mths right now. i am just not sure what i am suppose to be doing in this moment. i dont want to go back to the career i was doing bc of the stress. alot of money but they take ur soul. i cnt give it any more. but im just in a limbo state right now. meetings... i went to one last week. its just that i feel like people do the meetings and church and stuff bc it gives them something to follow to get their minds off stuff and then they walk around telling everyone how wholly they feel and free. i just couldnt do it. i want answers. Question #1: Footprints in the sand... where are/have you been????!!!! Question #2: Y didnt you stop it?! miracle of ____ give him a heart attack in the moment or something fatal! Question #3: Why cant i love? :( i just want something to change in me to make me understand this. i want to find the person that will help me change and work with me to understand y i am the way i am and to wrap themselves around me. maybe i should have just done drugs or something. good night...

I'm tired...

How does this life work? I just cant figure it out! As much as i hv tried to do this thing right I cannot. I fail and I fall and I pick myself up to at least my knees and then I fail and fall again. I was telling the women that I work with that there has to b this man out there that I meet and we talk and he learns me and what has happened n my life and he understands that to b n a relationship, a lasting one, with me he has to make me c his love for me first. He has to somehow hv had therapy or something to knw that sex is something that has to b taken off the table with me bc if not the relationship he hopes to enter as a lasting one will ultimately fail if he doesn't. All I hv ever known is that sex brings me attention and makes men "love" me. That I don't hv much else to offer except my body. Men don't care about anything else but x typically. I just wish someone out there would understand me and love me. Is there this man out there? I don't knw. I am just so weird right now. I knw that my husband loves me and would do anything for me but he doesn't knw how to show it. Which after 16 years i find absolutely disappointing that he doesn't knw how to show me that he loves me and to knw when i am in a low and need some extra help to pull myself up.
Lately i hv been trying to pin point the exact moment in time when we fell away from each other. I can't. We used to b so connected. Now i don't knw him and he doesn't knw me.
I hv bn n a relationship with another man for 9 mths now. So every time my husband does try to reach out, which isn't that often, i feel like a complete loser. I just don't knw how to walk away. And what if that is the wrong decision? I read the story of hosea for the first time the other day. Unconditional love. Hahahaha. Is there such a thing anymore? I mean i don't think that there is. But then again i don't believe n love. I hv yet to find that. That is going to b that man that just knows my soul.
I sm all over the place tonight. I hvnt written anything for awhile so i thought i would take some time out to let go of some stuff but mu head is to crowded so it just mashes together. Plus i just worked a 13 hr day.
Whatever. Sorry if i wasted ur time.

I'm tired...

"Almost Lover" A Fine Frenzy

I dreamt about you last night. :-( I have never had you in my dreams before. I was putting my baby girl in my car and you pulled up beside me and unrolled your window. u just stared at me. i didnt recognize u. and then i finally came to who u were. u had small children in ur truck with u and i said "what do u want?" and u got out of the truck and grabbed ahold of me and a hugged me and whispered in my ear.... " i fucked up so badly letting you go." i just cried.

on my way to work this morning i just needed to b alone. just listen to my ipod and b alone. i wasnt thinking about the dream at all. didnt even realize that i had it i just felt strange. i turned on "almost lover" and u appeared. my dream reentered my mind and there u were. ur sad eyes and scarred lip. u r prob the only person that when u would look at me i could not look away. u just embraced me with ur eyes. and then i started thinking with the only part of me that i can believe right now. i pulled up the rational part of my head and said to myself "y am i so stuck on this man that doesnt even prob EVER think about me!!!??" i hate this!!! and i heard myself say "y didnt u want me?" to my father. and i nearly died in the car driving. y didnt he want me? y didnt he want me? and i then started to think about my thoughts of suicide and thinking that my baby is better off not seeing me sad like this and how my therapist said no she wouldnt be. i knw she wouldnt be i just dont knw what is wrong with me. how can i make this better? how can i make this stuff go away? i am trying. i am going to therapy again and attending a meeting a week. haha. i hate the meetings but i get alot from them. alot of awareness and clarity. and now that i have found one that i really belong in it should be interesting. avoidance meetings. they are unreal! alot of pain sitting in that room even with the ones that are trying sooooo hard to be happy u can see their sadness just shine through. but only a true avoidant would prob b able to see that.

i hv to get to work. talk more later. just needed to get some stuff off my head.

cont... Jar of Hearts...

I cannot love anyone ever again. i am half a life. the only love i will ever know from this point on is the love for and from my daughter. without that i die.

"Jar of Hearts" Christinna Perri

This song is bringing up so much pain. it just describes my "qualifier" in every word of the lyrics. how he kept coming back into my life and just taking my soul and just leaving me completely empty and helpless. i remember walking around the house completely alone and just falling to my knees unable to stand under the hole in my chest that would just consume me and take over. it hurt soooo fucking much. i have never experienced a pain so whole before. i mean feeling alone is something that i have grown accustomed to growing up in pain but having someone be able to break down ALL of my walls and take me in with every fiber of my being was something i had NEVER experienced. and he was so heartless. i think about him all the time and that hurts even more bc every 2 steps forward i take, every memory pulls me back 1. and my heart just hurts all over again. i knw that many people hv experienced heartache but for someone to b able to reach you at every level inside ur being and u to obviously not be able to do the same to them is just incredible. and it wasnt even "love" it was "lust." complete and total infatuation and lust. how can something so strong just be that? its just so confusing to me. i wonder all the time if he ever thinks about me? i mean i would like to think that he does bc what we had was on such a different level but i knw that he doesnt. how could he? i was just there. i was someone he used to fulfill his desires at the time. he didnt care about me just what i could give him physically. i remember back on occasion to the moments with him and how he would just sit back and let me do what needed to be done. i remember, as sadly and as less as i possibly can, how i was so into it and being rigorously honest with myself i knw that he wasnt. i can see it in my head on his face. it was just happening for him. there were moments that i could tell that he would have done anything for me to fuck him and he would be really into it. but it was only for the fuck. after that it was on to where we needed to be. for him that was his wife that i didnt know about. HA! anyways. i remember being in a hotel room with him and sitting at the little table that was in there across from eachother and the way he just looked straight into my eyes past them and directly through to my soul. i loved his eyes. i knw i did. they were sad. like mine. and i felt his sadness that he never let me into. i think if he had he would not hv bn able to leave but he wouldnt. its fine. its over. whats done is done and i cnt make a heart love me (like the george straight song) so i will learn to love myself as best i can. which lately has been quite difficult. i honestly hate myself most of the time. well back to work.
later...

.....

I miss my dad.... i dont knw how to feel right now. :-(