I don't miss you. Jerks cnt b missed. They don't deserve to b.

I miss u

I miss u. I miss the way u make me laugh. I miss ur "Big Laugh" whenever u found something really funny or cute. I miss how u called me baby. I miss the way I felt inside when getting a message or call from u. I miss ur smile. I miss fighting with u. I miss the way u would light up when u would c me. I miss ur hands on me. I miss the way u would stare at me like I was the most beautiful person or like u were seeing some sort of light. I miss u loving me.
I hate missing u :(((

Paloma Faith... When You're Gone

Today has bn a little quiet. A little difficult.
I cried for my dad tonight. This song is how I feel. How I feel about the relationship that has just ended and about how love has bn in my life.

Lyrics:
"When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything washes over me and cleans me 'til I'm shining
For your touch there are no words
I fly with high hopes in the birds
And I know there's nothing better 'cause I'm smiling

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

You tell me that you are different
I'll be saved and I'll be lifted
It's not easy but I'm trying to believe you
All the angels lost their halos
I have no choice but to let go
There are times when I feel paper thin and see-through

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry
Every time I think I'm one and only
I find myself alone not knowing why

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

Everyone I've ever loved has left me lonely
Every time I let it go I'm high and dry

All the mystery and the magic
You light up what once was tragic
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone
I could never have imagined
All the heavens pour with passion
But I know that I will miss you when you're gone

When you're gone [x2]
You're gone

When I'm with you my heart sings of a joy
And everything..
And I know that I will miss you when you're gone."

I hv started every relationship telling the other person "u will only b here X amount of time." And guess what... It happens. They leave or hurt me somehow where I shut down. Or they start to love me and I shut down. Or they just disappear. No word of y or goodbye. Just gone. Poof!
My dad... I was a daddy's girl for sure. When he left it was so traumatic that it happened when I was 5 and I remember all the details of it and cn relive it n my mind as if it just happened. He was suppose to b my hero. I was suppose to call him when I hurt later n life on things and say "daddy I need u" but he left. Killed my soul. I need him. I talked with a great friend tonight and trying to come to terms with y every prominent relationship that I hv had n my life has bn with a man that was emotionally unavailable. Promises that were always broken. And my friend did help me realize that n all these relationships I was trying to make my dad stay. I am somehow trying to fix him and make him stay but like I told them... I cnt fix him. He already left me. And I don't knw what happened to my dad to make him the recluse he is today. I don't knw. I was thinking about it and started thinking that's y I hv to somehow start doing the opposite. Stop running from the relationships that start on fire. Or they cn b on fire but I cnt give into it. Hv to stay slow for awhile. Anyways. What ever. I just want to disappear somehow. Another song... Will.i.am ... Scream and Shout (feat. Britney Spears)

No music...

So I am trying to keep strong and listen to my whatever the fuck it is inside me that is telling me he will never ever change and u deserve better. U deserve someone who loves u for all of who u r!! Y do I insist on letting some man make me feel like shit?! Accuse me of having affairs and that I am seeing 2-3 other men. That I am sending them the same pics and songs that I send him. And he isn't even the man I am married to! I just feel like I need him and I love him. I just knw how he is when he is not being an ass! He is caring and sweet and loving. He holds me and kisses me and laughs with me. He has this "big laugh" that I call it when he thinks something is really funny or silly. His chin/jaw is square and muscular. He is tall so when he holds me I disappear n him where I feel safe and loved. My husband and me r just like friends. We don't hv that type of relationship anymore. I cnt forgive him for the past. But my daughter needs him n her life and I won't take that from her like it was taken from me. Of course it would b much different for her bc neither her dad or myself would ever leave her life but I just cnt. And we get along with each other. Don't fight or anything. Just hang out and take care of her. I don't give him the wrong impression of our relationship and he is sad about it but I cnt change how my soul feels about him. He left me unattended where my heart and soul r concerned for pretty much out entire relationship.
Anyways... I miss the man I hv bn seeing though. But I cnt forgive him anymore either. No matter how he makes me feel he has done nothing but LIE to me! And recently his biggest lie knocked me over and drowned me. We had bn seeing each other for a couple mths now and everything seemed like I was dreaming. I was soooo fucking happy and just living in this fantasy in my head that we might actually hv something this time and filling out my dreams that we might actually b able to move in together and live together and wake up together and I could cook for him. I just had to work on getting back to work. And I was doing that. Then I was going to meet him for lunch one afternoon and I got a text from a woman that used to b my friend telling me the office gossip. I hadn't heard from her for a couple mths and had stopped talking to her. So what a surprise to b getting a text from her. And the content of the text sent the room spinning for me... :(( one of the office gossip pieces was that his wife and him were hving another baby! I thought I was going to throw up and everything felt like it went black. But I had to swallow it down to say goodbye and leave to go meet him.
Since then my heart/soul never really recovered. Everything that I thought was going great and all the fantasies n my head just turned to ashes. With just a few words on a text. And then during Christmas his wife puts a bunch of pictures on his Facebook and apparently they hv known about the pregnancy since Halloween time. Which meant he knew from the start of us talking again and didn't feel the need to tell me! Mind u I just lost his baby in July! I felt so betrayed an sooooo fucking stupid!! :((( I still do. I couldn't leave n that moment bc I didn't want to make the wrong decision bc everything had bn feeling so perfect. Truth is I should hv but I needed time to understand that.
So now I am sitting here at night posting a blog to get it out of my head. If I blog about it I'm not emailing him or texting him. When I feel the need to email or text him I will just put it in here instead and hit post instead of send. :(
Fucker! I am sick of hurting and being n pain for him. He has bn my life since
Last may no matter any lie or hurt. I just wanted him. :(( and now I hv to learn to let him go.

I am alone....

Hurt... Christina Aguilera

i havent been here for awhile... i just dont knw where else to turn at the moment. im hurting so bad. i knw everyone hurts and all that... i dont fucking care at the moment. my pain is all that i can c or that matters and maybe thats selfish but i dont fucking care! All i can do is c him in my head. feel his eyes look through me. feel his hand on my stomach talking to our unborn baby. holding me. making me feel like i am all that matters to him. its all gone... him... the baby... all of it. part of the disease i guess. i just knw that i miss him. he was so crazy. nothing was going to change that and who he is. he would always be who he is. and nothing can change a person from the outside. no woman. no child. no mother/father. no... change comes from within. and he still has to fully admit that he is sick. i knw that i am. i just dont knw what happened. i was doing fine. i mean i wasnt being as healthy as i could have been but i had someone in my life that was great to me. but i was "bored" of what was "normal" and he was there in my moment of weakness. i dont knw what is wrong with me. i just destroy anything good in my life and make a wreck of it and it hurts. now... well now i have no job bc i quit it bc i couldnt stand the thought of seeing him after the baby. and i dont have my baby. and i dont have him either. not that i was going to leave my life for him to begin with. after the baby we didnt talk for a couple weeks. i cut him out and decided to move on but i got weak and sent an email with a song link. i missed him. i had changed my phone number and everything to get past it and try to move on. but he responded to my email of course saying how he thought something had happened and he had been asking everyone about me and if they had my new number etc. said how he missed me so much and needed me. how he wanted to make "us" work and all the lies. that was good for about a mth probably and a couple of weeks ago it ended again and this time it is actually for good and its painful. no contact. he kept accusing me of being with someone else. constantly through the ENTIRE relationship. when since May i have done nothing but think about him. i hv only slept with him. only "loved" him. but he was just so irrational. he was/is like a light switch. one minute he was loving me and the next he was telling me i was sleeping with someone else and he hated sharing me. i feel like it is/was my punishment for doing all the wrong i have done the past few years. to finally find someone u care about so much but they cant love/care about me bc of stuff i hv done. bc of how heartless and uncaring and unloving i have been in my relationship with my husband. my punishment... i keep hving these pains in my stomach where the baby was today. like reminders. i keep thinking if i still had my baby he would still b in my life. even though i knw that i dont want him in my life really bc he is so toxic and painful. i just feel like i am in a horrible dark hole right now. its painful. i am trying desperately to remember all the good i have in my life at the same time but alot of times the pain of not wanting to live any longer is overwhelming. i try to tell the people around me how i feel like that bc i dont want it to hv the power enough to really happen. but they are sick of me i think. sick of me complaining about how hard life is and how i hate it. open ur eyes... look around you. i c my beautiful baby and i cnt imagine life without her. i cnt imagine taking myself out of her life bc i knw she needs me. she is what keeps me here. i just cnt figure out how people just say things. they just open theirs mouths and this shit comes out and its lies. just dont open ur fucking mouths. just keep them shut unles u really mean the things u say. i dont say i love u. i dont say i miss u. i dont say shit unless i feel it inside and its suppose to be said. i dont confuse people and say things to make them hurt later. think about what u say to people before u open ur mouth. i just sometimes dont understand the point. why was i put here? to keep feeling this way? to hv these ups and downs. to feel happy. to feel sad. all n blinks. i told my husband tonight i dont understand how they dont put me as borderline bipolar. its not just the ups and downs. i do things that are just cut throat. i quit my job! just one day to the next. i made $80K/yr and hv expensive bills but it didnt matter. just quit. i make these decisions and just do them. if i dont want u in my life anymore... done. i dont talk to u anymore. sell my house and just walk away... done. only some people get my attention enough to where i cnt forget them. he is one of them. i cnt get rid of him. im trying. i knw it gets better over time but im afraid that he is going to b like the other one in my life that just got stuck in my head. only he is worse bc of the baby. i would b 4 mths right now. i am just not sure what i am suppose to be doing in this moment. i dont want to go back to the career i was doing bc of the stress. alot of money but they take ur soul. i cnt give it any more. but im just in a limbo state right now. meetings... i went to one last week. its just that i feel like people do the meetings and church and stuff bc it gives them something to follow to get their minds off stuff and then they walk around telling everyone how wholly they feel and free. i just couldnt do it. i want answers. Question #1: Footprints in the sand... where are/have you been????!!!! Question #2: Y didnt you stop it?! miracle of ____ give him a heart attack in the moment or something fatal! Question #3: Why cant i love? :( i just want something to change in me to make me understand this. i want to find the person that will help me change and work with me to understand y i am the way i am and to wrap themselves around me. maybe i should have just done drugs or something. good night...

I'm tired...

How does this life work? I just cant figure it out! As much as i hv tried to do this thing right I cannot. I fail and I fall and I pick myself up to at least my knees and then I fail and fall again. I was telling the women that I work with that there has to b this man out there that I meet and we talk and he learns me and what has happened n my life and he understands that to b n a relationship, a lasting one, with me he has to make me c his love for me first. He has to somehow hv had therapy or something to knw that sex is something that has to b taken off the table with me bc if not the relationship he hopes to enter as a lasting one will ultimately fail if he doesn't. All I hv ever known is that sex brings me attention and makes men "love" me. That I don't hv much else to offer except my body. Men don't care about anything else but x typically. I just wish someone out there would understand me and love me. Is there this man out there? I don't knw. I am just so weird right now. I knw that my husband loves me and would do anything for me but he doesn't knw how to show it. Which after 16 years i find absolutely disappointing that he doesn't knw how to show me that he loves me and to knw when i am in a low and need some extra help to pull myself up.
Lately i hv been trying to pin point the exact moment in time when we fell away from each other. I can't. We used to b so connected. Now i don't knw him and he doesn't knw me.
I hv bn n a relationship with another man for 9 mths now. So every time my husband does try to reach out, which isn't that often, i feel like a complete loser. I just don't knw how to walk away. And what if that is the wrong decision? I read the story of hosea for the first time the other day. Unconditional love. Hahahaha. Is there such a thing anymore? I mean i don't think that there is. But then again i don't believe n love. I hv yet to find that. That is going to b that man that just knows my soul.
I sm all over the place tonight. I hvnt written anything for awhile so i thought i would take some time out to let go of some stuff but mu head is to crowded so it just mashes together. Plus i just worked a 13 hr day.
Whatever. Sorry if i wasted ur time.