today is a little difficult for me. i only wish that i had things differently. i understand not to punish myself for the past and to move forward. to understand that what i did does not deserve any forgiveness from those i hurt with or without them knowing what happened. and its not that i am feeling sorry for myself bc i dont. what i did i did being a grownup and knowing the consequences to my actions and for all i know i disobeyed the 12-Commandments and i probably deserve my fate. i hv bn led to believe that what i did was only due to my past and what happened to me as a child. harboring those intense emotions within and keeping them to myself for what has felt like an eternity. finally with my last controllable sane breath these emotions broke free of my grasp and slipped away. it was only a matter of time and experienced therapist/psychologists/and specialists have said its is a wonder that i am where i am today and it did not happen sooner. i have even heard it as harsh as its a wonder that u r alive and have survived this long without something happening. so my actions were finally a result of what was expected from someone that has been through the black hole that i have been through. i know that others have experienced lives that have been far worse than mine but everyone's life is worse to themselves then to someone else. everyone's journeys are different. but a life that has been touch in any shape or form of physical, mental, or sexual abuse is one that will always remain tainted. if i had to choose a color for my life, a tainted color, i think i would choose an orangish color. not really orange but not really red. an in between. i always see frm that light when looking out into the world. not sure if that makes sense but that is just how i feel. i have let my emotions guide me through this life. i am sure that i dont belong here in this time/setting. and if i do its only because i am reliving a life that must have been worse than this one and i was sent back again to try to make it better. although i dont think that has/was very successful. given i dont know what my previous life entailed. but how do u make physical, mental, or sexual abuse better? u cannot change something that you have no control over. maybe that is the mistake that was made when we were created. maybe the process wasnt thought through enough. and now we are to forever live and relive lives that cannot be altered because of happenings that are not of our own control. ramblings from my mind. its funny bc i seem to not be an extraordinary person in the respect that anything that could happen to me usually happens textbook style. nothing out of the oridinary. so maybe my thoughts on our individual souls is not something that someone else has not already written about. i am sure that there is someone else that has already openly expressed their thoughts on this. but as for the moment i am completely oblivious to knowing if that is true so for the moment it is my own personal mind ramblings. LoL. who knows anyway. why make it that complicated. we are concieved, we live a fairly happy or grief stricken lives, and we die. and there is no unknown after that. maybe the thought that we have a soul that is a part of this shell we have encountered doesnt really exist. its just as simple as that. and this could be true knowing that everything always tends to turn out as simple as possible in the end anyway. we make it complicated. we were born to complicate things. *sigh* only our higher power knows.
talk to u later blogger universe.
This is me today.
11 months ago
