Paramore "The Only Exception"

Today i am wondering how lonely a person can possibly feel? my hole is re-entering my body. how can i only hv this space to talk to without any limitations. i cant trust anyone. i lose myself here. i dont even write it all on here. is there anyone out there that has secrets that only U fucking know?! i need an answer to this question. does anyone else hate that u cant tell another soul what is going on in ur life? well i knw y i cant tell anyone bc everyone around me does everything the way u r suppose to do it. cheating and lying is not something that i surround myself with but i am a part of on my own. i know no one that is in this or has been at this moment. of course while in the program i did but i am not currently attending those meetings right now. its really frustrating to be in a life where everyone frowns on what u do but they dont knw. they hv NO idea who u r. well IT might bc i am writing this at work and of course they can see all of my history and knw all of my personal life im sure. but what the hell. this is the only time that i hv to write and get stuff out of my head. the few mins here and there throughout my work stuff.
whenever something goes wrong in my life or i first hear a song i think about my qualifier. im not sure y i just do. everything about him made me happy but i knw that it wasnt real. it was fast and like a whirlwind, a tornado, a hurricane, a rollercoaster, any fucking fast adrenaline life experience u can conjour up that was the experience with him every time. he just knocked the breath from me and he loved it. he loved lighting me up and then punching me in the chest. u knw that emotional abuse feels exactly if not WORSE than physical abuse any day! physical abuse is something that u can see and u knw it happened and u can prove it and people sympathize with . emotional abuse is something that only u see and feel. only u can say it out loud that it happened and then they are only words to explain how u feel or felt. when someone sees a bruise they think "wow that must hv hurt" and they feel sorry for u and cuddle and love on u. when its words people tune u out. fuck them.
i hv tried to write songs about the way that i feel but i just cant do it. the lyrics come out to long and i cant think of a tune to go along with them so trying to write a song without a tune is almost pointless. so i just write it out this way. but songs that i listen to - most of them! - carrry in the lyrics the exact way that i feel. there are useless shit that i listen to just to carry my mood upstream (most of the time that is hip hop and cave club shit). but bands like trespassers william, paramore (all i wanted was u), lifehouse, mayer, finch, and others are my loves. i dont knw what my life would look like without the influence of music. it is prob my one and only true passion with the exception of my daughter now. i will attach the lyrics to the song title of the blog in a minute.
i lost my dog of 11 yrs the past saturday. there are no words to describe his soft fur laying with no movement. seeing his tongue turn purple was excruciatingly painful. seeing his last breathes escape his body. knowing that i was never going to feel his soft face and rub his ears and hear him grunt with appreciation as i was doing it. for 11 yrs he loved me unconditionally. no matter how upset i got with him after he chewed up my shoes or ate the hamburger off the table. he LOVED me! he is the only animal (human animal included) that i knw LOVED me and just loved me..... all of my flaws. i didnt hv to explain anything to him. just "b" with him. and he didnt want anything but all of me and my attention. just wanted my love in return for nothing. no sex, no communication, no anything. just wanted me to pet him and hug him. lol when i left my husband for a short while he was my ONLY friend. he slept with me beside my bed every night and let me cry on him. he loved me.... and he is gone. and it fucking hurts. so bad that i feel like chaos is all around me suffocating me and draining me. but isnt that what i yearn for?? chaos?? i am sick of trying to understand this pain. tired of trying to control it and make it better. sick of trying to talk myself into something wrong being right. but what is right? can u actually love 2 people?? do we not love more than one bc whoever made sense of the Bible and all of the other religious beliefs said that it was wrong and we will go to Hell or wherever lost souls go? thats what i believe. we follow everything we are brainwashed into believing. where are our souls? where are our true souls that are independent of what we are told? apparently i am one of the ones that "God" will leave behind bc of my sins. fuck that! my Higher Power and my Higher Power alone makes that decision and i think that as fucked up as some might think of me and my choices he/she/it will forgive me and love me bc he/she/it was with me in that room when my uncle put his shit in my mouth at 5 and he/she/it was there when my dad left me. he/she/it knws my every thought and every time my soul bleeds and hurts.
anyways... i will stop being a crzy person and tell u about the song. the lyrics are:

When I was youngerI saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watchedAs he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promisedI'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhereDeep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until I had sworn to myself that
I'mContent with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can'tLet go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh---You, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

this song doesnt actually make me think of anyone. it makes me think about how i am about love. and how i became to believe what i believe about love. and that i am meant to live out this life alone.
ttyl bloggers.