"War of my Life" John Mayer

So.... its been awhile since i blogged about anything. reason?... i was pregnant. and when prego stress is not good so i try to keep it at a minimal to keep from losing the baby and also to have a happy baby. i dont like to bring up the past when prego. did it with my first baby and she is soooo happy and calm. i lost the baby almost 3 weeks ago. how do i feel? i smile soooo much at work and around others that dont matter. same old stuff. people ask about it and i tell them what happened. and i caught myself doing something that is typical of me... talking about it and smiling. just something i picked up through everything that has happened growing up. i watch these reality shows where they talk to these women that talk about these painful experiences and they smile when talking about it. when asked how they are talking about something so painful and smiling they dont knw y. i guess they hv just learned to survive. i used to tell myself its bc i dont hv a problem with what happened and i tell others so that they are aware and wont let anything happen to their loved ones so they dont have to suffer. guess that really isnt what is happening. its a mask. but honestly what else am i suppose to do?? i hv done everything that is suggested this time to b able to process losing my baby in a healthy way. truth is... it fucking hurts...
i hv bn working so much lately and planning my babies 1 yr bday party that i hv kept my feelings under my skin enough where i hvnt had to deal with them. well its only a matter of time with these things. saturday night after the bday party those feelings that i was harboring came crashing down. i just sobbed. i hv had a Great deal of support through all of this and i am Thankful for everyone in my life! hving people that care has taken me through this more gracefully than anything else in my life. but its going to take time. i hv never lost anyone close to me, or a baby inside me for that matter, so this is all new for me. but i am staying close to my husband and leaning on him. i see my therapist, the old one, on friday. i hv bn doing well at staying true to myself through this but i feel like i need a little extra edge on it all. someone to say yeah that is a great thing that u r doing and try this too. i just HATE feeling!!! hate it with a passion!! but i knw that i hv to walk through the pain of this to come out on the other side healthier and happier. something that i hv never knwn in my life with all of the other pain. the easy part of this is that it happened now when i am able to look it in the face and deal with it headstrong. the stuff that happened in the past was unavoidable and i was a child. children do not knw how to deal with pain. they are taught how to do it by their parents. when my dad left my mom left me too. thats how she dealt with her pain. i will not do that. i see her mistakes and will not relive them with my own daughter.
anyways... i just wanted to check in and get this out into the universe where it belongs. not in my head. :)
laters.