"WTF?!"

So i hv bn so angry lately. not outwardly, just inward. i am so sick of everyone telling me stuff like... "well, u r a stronger person bc of what happened to you..." "u hv to accept it and learn to live with it and..." WTF?! what is that? if i had a choice i dont care to be stronger bc some fucker head decided that it was his right to take away my innocence at the age 5! if i had a choice my father would NOT have abandoned us when i was 5! if i had a choice my mother would NOT have bn so selfish and would hv thought that maybe my children are hurting too bc of their father. if i had a choice the other countless fuckerheads that i have encountered would have left me the FUCK alone!!!! what did i do to deserve watching my brother and sister being beaten on whenever some asshole stepfather of ours had a bad day. what did i do to deserve any of what happen to me as a child and young adult?! fuck being stronger bc of it! Fuck accepting it and just learning to live with it! i hv every right to be so fucking pissed off at everyone!
i watched sex rehab tonight. i was in tears! my heart just bleeds for 2 of the people on the show. the gay Duncan who was horribly abused as a child and the Bitch KariAnn who everyone hates bc she doesnt want to deal with the shit that has happened. Duncan is awesome! such a Beautiful soul and doesnt even know it. so in the show tonight they had him talk to the psycho dr about how he was feeling and the guy told him that "every time he acts out he is hurting that little boy (his inner child) over and over again..." my oh my... there is ALOT of truth to that. i dont normally attach pics to my postings. but the 17 yr old that acts out and thinks she is protecting the 5 yr old in me looks like the pic that is attached. doesnt really give a shit about feelings. just takes. takes what she needs to survive. takes what she wants to feel worthy. which is sexual. y does sex make her feel worthy? bc that is how she was taught to love. hahahaha fucking pervs that make us the way we are. i knw that i am NOT the only person out there that has bn put through this Hell. i knw that i am NOT alone but with all of my soul i feel so fucking alone. sooooo fucking alone!!
what do i want? i want someone to love me. i want someone to smother me with their love. i want someone to say fuck no u cant talk to that person. i want someone to challenge me and put down rules. i want someone to guide me and not fucking trust me. i want my father. a father. i want that man that was suppose to give a fuck about me. i want the man that was suppose to protect me and love me so fucking much that he could hardly love himself. i hate him! i hate him! i hate him! how could he allow me to b so vulnerable? how could he have left me so unprotected? he was my world. my heart belonged to him and was wrapped around him forever. but he didnt care. he just broke me. and here i stand... searching for him in every man i meet. and forever i will be let down. bc there is NO man on earth that could/would ever love me as much as my father could/should have. so to the man that was suppose to unconditionally love me and protect me from the real monster that walk, talk, breathe, and surface every day i say..... FUCK YOU!! and i hope that u do live every day of ur life hating urself for the pain that u hv caused me. and to every man that is out there that ever does read this... if u r one of those fathers that left ur children abandoned... shame on u! and Fuck u! bc the pic attached to this blog is prob what ur little girl looks like on the outside/inside.
goodnight blogger universe...

"Because of You" Reba McEntire & Kelly Clarkson

i was on my drive home last night and this song came on. i began just sobbing. tears just falling. i hv bn struggling with something this past week and i cant put my finger on it. something hurts. i think that bc it is hurting me emotionally it is killing me physically as well. just eating at my heart and soul and body. i just havent had the time to sit down and take it in and possible recover from it. its making it hard for me to be present and making temptations harder. my therapist asked me monday if i am going to b ok while she is on vacation for 3 weeks. i mean i have to b right. she is just another person and she needs her breaks and her life. i just wish she could walk beside me for one day and hold my hand like a child. just show me what foot to put in front of the other. i am self taught and that is a scary thing. i am naturally clueless as to what to do next i feel. my boundaries are there but not strong. i couldnt hold one up to save my life prob. it sucks to feel so insecure about who i am suppose to be. where my smile should come from?
there is a guy at work. 26. of course. i dont knw y the younger ones are so attracted to me. he thought i was 28. hahahaha. i am 32. not old but not in my 20s anymore. i dont really wish to be but only to maybe change some things every now and then. so what do u think he wants from me? well of course thats what he wants. he tells me he lives 10 mins from work. hahaha i hv bn to this place b4. its like deja vu. this is exactly the same path the last course took. it was the guy upstairs and then someone that i work with in my group and then asshole that was married and lied to me and i gave up everything for, and then just men to try and escape the pain. destractions. and a few of them only one night. easy ones. so here i am escaping in the same exact pattern. upstairs and now a guy that i work with. so freaking crzy that my head is spinning. and it is my fault. do i clse the door to this new hit?? no. bc then what? i am getting older and feel ugly. fat. just gross. i like to b told that i am not. wow that is awful isnt it? prob so but i dont care. u dont knw me. i am so brutally honest on here that i sometimes cant believe that i write this stuff.
so i write this stuff to get some perspective on it but no one ever says anything. makes me even more like an idiot and awful person. which is prob true. anyways. i just had to get some stuff out this morning. i may add something later.

"Satellite Heart" Anya Marina

so i saw my new therapist today. how was that? fucking scary thats how! but she is specialized in child sexual abuse and she is an addictions specialist. or so she says. well all week i have just bn on pins and needles worried about this appt. couldnt figure out y. just thought it was bc of it being a new therapist blah blah blah. so u knw that show that i was talking about last time? well a couple things hv come from it. first of all the denial of my sex addiction which still just sounds like i am some freak or something. next is what happened in therapy. so i was telling her about how i act out and she was asking me how i feel when i do. well i was telling her that i dont feel. i disconnect from what is happening. i hv had practice doing this my whole life. pretending not to feel. its easy. EXTREMELY easy which is scary. but anyways... she asked me how old do i feel when this is happening bc i told her that i become someone else. which is really what happens. i told her that i hv never really given it any thought. but as i was sitting there i realized that she is about17 or so. and i said that to her.. so her response was "sounds like the 17 year old comes out to protect the 5 yr old." WTF?!! r u kidding me? "sounds like she comes out to be the tough guy and protect." ok so first of all let me wrap my head around the fact that i finally knw the age of the fighter inside me and second of all she thinks she is protecting my 5 yr old that was abused?! so u knw what happened? and i am being soooo fucking serious. the 17 yr old that i internally struggle with... she lost it. its like my insides were so pissed that i finally admitted that she was a part of me and knwing her age made it even more interesting. i wanted to pull over on the side of anywhere and go into whatever bar place i could find and just hit the counter. i wanted to scream! i drove home like this for a good while. just being angry. its like she couldnt just take over anymore bc i knw she is there and the adult in me understands how much she knws. i just felt horrible. sooo sad and depressed. mad and hurt. so intense. and i realized that the act of wanting to drink and "relax" was a way to escape the pain. the pain that everyone keeps telling me i need to feel. so what did i do? i sat in the pain as i was driving home and felt it. i let my 17 yr old feel let her listen to what music she wanted and i talked to her. yes i knw this sounds incredibly crzy to someone that doesnt understand what this is like or is completely unfamiliar with intense pain like this but it is not i can assure u. i am just trying my best to heal. that is all i can do. day by day heal. i am tired of acting out and not taking care of myself mentally. sucks. i hate disconnecting to feel like i mean something to someone. i hate not being able to b present in every situation in my life. i hate not being able to hv a cell phone bc i dont trust myself to use it for every use to be "bad" and act out. it sucks living like this and living in shame. i hate it. i just want some relief. who knws if i will ever b free of it but i need to at least be active with protecting myself from being the addict i knw i can be that lives inside my every fucking day of my life. its insane!! i just want to live semi "normal." if thats possible. i dont know. but anyways. i hope life is good out there in blogger universe. happy blogging. hahahaha whatever. :)

???

Im scared....
i am unbelievably scared. u know its not that i dont recognize that i have a problem bc i know that i do. and i am tired of running from it. tired of hiding from it and tired of pretending that everything is fine. im scared bc i dont hv the time anymore. im scared bc i dont want to abandon or disconnect from from my daughter now or in a few years. the only way around it is to get help. help that i dont have the time for. i work 9 hrs + a day and i only get on a normal day 4 hours with my girl. 4 HRS!! i counted it tonight as i was rocking her to sleep. out of a 120 hrs in a 5-work day schedule i only get 20 hrs with her. that sucks! i mean i am doing everything i humanly can to make those hrs as special as i can and take her in as much as i can but i just dont want to take 2 hrs out of those 20 every week to take care of myself. but in the end i know that it is those 2 hrs that will prob save my relationship with her. i know this. and as of tonight i am almost running for the door to find a meeting although there are no meetings going on right now. i am scared bc i know that i will have to find people to contact in times where i am weak. i am scared bc i knw that i need to work the program through and do the steps. i am scared to bring all of that shit to the surface. but truly what other option(s) do i have at this point??!! none.
i feel like my higher power (if given a name to connect with it... God), knows when i am truly going through something and he throws me some sort of sign and a life line. the past couple of weeks i have really been starting to go through the mess again. the mess that i worked so hard to get out of. the mess that has me questioning some other things that only two people on this earth know about. something that could be soo destructive that i want even say it out loud. i only hint about it and these others 2 people knw what i am talking about. its utterly horrible. but i keep going. i am stressed to my limit right now. i am working full time and taking care of everything while my husband finishes school. it was my idea bc i need him to finish so that he can help me. but now i am just not so sure it was the best of ideas. i have to pay for his school which is going to be $4500 by jan. i really dont know where this money is going to come from. and can i keep from spending the money that is suppose to go into his hands for school???.. no... bc i am in my addiction. completely and totally in my addiction. and it hurts.
so the life line or sign that i was given... i turned on the TV last night and there it was. not sure if blogger universe knows of Dr. Drew but he is a therapist that deals with addictions. he has had mutiple shows on MTV and VH1. "Sex Talk with Parents" "Celebrity Rehab" "Sober House" He is truly my hero. i only wish that there was a dr drew here where i lived. in fact tomorrow i am going to be on a search for one at work through my eap program. i currently have a therapist but i think that i need one that is more specialized in the addiction that i am going through. the sex/love addiction. anyways... the knew show that he has on that i randomly found and could NOT believe was "Sex Rehab with Dr Drew" WTF?!?! i mean its Great that he is out there and making people aware that this really is a horrible addiction and that it isnt something that is "normal" and u dont hv a problem. u do!! and it ruins peoples lives and the people around them. i knw. i speak as one. and the shity part is that out of the 8 people on the show. 7 of them, 7!!!!! are survivors on sexual molestation of some sort. hi... i am a sex/love addict bc a fuckerhead showed me that i am nothing but my body and to get love/attention i have to offer that to others - men in order for them to stay with me and love me and pay attention to me. yep... all i am is a toy. i am not the smart girl that took care of all of her siblings when her parents checked out and grew up to go to college, become an accountant, own her own house, car and now have a wonderful child of her own. i am an object. an object that knws how to completely disconnect from her body and let others have it so that i can have a "friend." someone that will talk to me and want to hang out with me and tell me i am beautiful. and this object has hurt everyone and anyone that has come close to her. some dont even knw she has. i sometimes dont knw y i am allowed to exist? y i hv to exist? but for some reason my higher power thinks i need to be here. whatever...
so am i going to start going to a meeting at least once a week. yes. bc i want to b a mother to my child. not somebodies object. i dont want her to have to attend meetins later when she gets older. i want her to enjoy her life. not worry about 2 hrs out of her day with her child later. i love her. she is everything to me. and if any fuckerhead ever lays a hand anywhere near her body... he will not survive another day to smile. never again will that animal ever smile!!

"Storm" Lifehouse

Hi blogger universe...
i have bn out of touch for a little while. dont know that it really matters. but anyways. my head feels like it is full of crap. u knw i try so hard now to stay away from temptation. i only have one cell phone and i dont keep it during the day when i am at work my husband does so that i can get in touch with him while i am at work, we dont have a land line. and i keep it to one phone bc if i give the number to anyone that i think might tell my husband something than i dont give it out to them. it keeps me from doing stupid stuff bc i cant talk to the other person. i cant even *69 so the other person doesnt see the number. i hv to keep myself very limited. so the affairs dont start up again. hv i found ways around this.... yes well bc its my nature to do so. i am very sly. very. i guess in a way the people that i attract r exactly like me. which is funny for me to say that bc its like i finally started realizing this recently and they say it over and over again in meetings. but no matter how many times u hear something it doesnt matter until ur mind accepts it. i dont know if that makes sense but trust me it is true. so i guess i finally accepted that they are like me. the worst part of that though is knowing the type of people that they are and knwing that i have those tendencies. its really scary. sociopath is what my therapist calls my qualifier. wow. a liar that has no concious. so a while back i did take this path and started wondering if maybe my therapist thought that i was a sociopath.. i asked him. he said no but i dont believe him. bc in my heart. i know its true about me bc that is what i attract. and my past leans toward being a sociopath. except i do feel some regret. but i can lie. very well. its really scary. and i look like a sweet innocent girl. books def cannot b judged by there covers. trust me. the person sitting beside u is prob full of secrets. a little black box. we all are just waiting to open and release. there is a little of it in each of us. there is no possible way to get through life without some sort of trama affecting a moment in ur life. whether it happened to u directly or to someone around u. it affected u and it is waiting. and we all have a liar in us.
i fell again this morning. this really sucks. as hard as i try i keep falling. i fell a couple of weeks ago too. i just dont know how to stop. i say every time. there will not be another time. i am letting my family down. in truth though i am letting myself down. its horrible. i am horrible. i dont know. i just need time to disconnect and i will b fine. :) just keep smiling.
i hate people that hv bn in my life.