“One Man Band” Old Dominion

So I have been a one man band for a long time now. Not wanting to need anyone. I am pretty successful at this actually. problem is I dont want to be anymore and this is opening me up to hurt. needing someone is relying on them. Emotionally and physically opening your heart and mind to allowing someone to take care of you and your needs. this is hard for me bc I have never trusted anyone to take care of me better than me but it is lonely. The truth is that to be in a successful relationship you have to be able to lean a little on the person that you are with every now and then. Emotionally I am a wreck. I almost always don’t want to do any of this life anymore which is a horrible way to live everyday. But when I tell others how I feel they suggest pills, therapy, psycho doctors.... its whatever. Instead of trying to understand me and listen to me and help me that way they RUN! It’s uncomfortable for them and they don’t have to time. The world is a selfish place. Always has been for me. Everyone only uses me for what they need. What about what I need?? It’s bc I have allowed it bc its easier to give than to receive. especially when I constantly feel like I dont deserve it or that is is just easier to take care of it myself. faster than trying to explain to someone else or getting hurt with miscommunication or them just not caring. So what is harder is trusting someone that doesn’t get it and doesn’t understand how hard I have protected myself from the rest of the selfish world and how very special it is that I have chosen him to open myself up to. Maybe that sounds very self involved but whatever it sounds like it is the truth to me. He should feel special me giving myself to him like I have and he should decide to not take this lightly and he does. Its like it doesn’t mean anything to him and I feel like I deserve it to mean something to him. He is very careless in taking care of my heart/feelings. Bc apparently I should feel like the rest of the world and not care what others think. I naturally dont work that way and everything matters. the way you sigh or cough or breath next to me tells me something. I can feel the energy that others give off their skin. I can literally feel them and their feelings. when it is tension that is the worst feeling. feeling others when they are mad or not paying attention or a mean boss. anyways it just sucks feeling others. I went to a tarot card reader last weekend and she said it is bc I am letting my own walls down that I am feeling everyone else. that bc I have spent my whole life walled up and now and decided to let down and let someone else try to care for me that now I have let all the crap on the other side of my walls that I have kept out MY WHOLE LIFE just come through freely and it is new for me. so now I have to practice pushing other people out. But wait.... isn’t that what I am trying to get away from?? Walling people out of my heart?? What do I do? I don’t know. Keep people out or let them in? Let a man take care of me that doesn’t know how to? I have a lot on my mind right now and it makes me feel overwhelmed and like crying all the time. So I decided to start writing again. I don’t know if it will help or not but I am at the end of my rope and exhausted trying to escape my head in my head. So better to try and get some of the power of my thoughts out into the universe so they dont eat me alive from the inside out. I sometimes feel like I am decaying inside bc of my feelings. The sadness is lonely. Very lonely. No one seems to understand how it feels. Signed..... Trust issues and Walled up.