.....

I miss my dad.... i dont knw how to feel right now. :-(

"last kiss" taylor swift

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG i wish i could do that outloud today. my insides are just screaming!! i cant shake this feeling today. y some days its so strong i dont knw. i hate it. i just dont knw where i am right in this moment. i am plugged up to my ipod trying to numb out and escape by working without interruption. no noise from people around me. my own quiet sad world surrounding my soul. i dont want to wake up. just sleep inside myself. leave me to quiet. leave me to my sadness. leave me to my thoughts. leave me to die inside a little in this moment. i dont want to think about loving or surviving for just minutes. does anyone outside really understand this? can anyone relate?? it doesnt matter bc prob not because it is different for everyone. the quiet.
people in my quad of cubicle life today started a discussion again for prob the 3rd of 4th time in a week about abuse. my body dies inside and trembles at the words that are coming out of their mouths. PLEASE stop!!!!! how do u beg a conversation to stop without saying words for them to hear? i die inside instead. quietly screaming alone. im not exactly sure bc normally i listen to their words, stupid words of nonsense and ignorance, bc they dont knw what they are talking about. no experience on what they are preaching. none. they just think bc they helped some poor unfortunate child that lives in fear and shame that they knw what they are talking about. they think they knw the pain that the child will feel for the rest of thier life. they are so fucking clueless! fucking hurts to listen to it. and i hv just stopped. i cnt take it in anymore. i used to sit and listen for my chance to jump in and correct their ignorance. instead i freak out inside trying to escape from hearing it. i cnt take the fight anymore. the educating people who think they knw everything. its not even about that... its about speaking to dead ears. y bother? y waste my time? i dont hv the strength for it right now either. and every fucking time they start talking about it out comes the vomit that i try so hard every day to swallow down and forget. YYYYYY?????? cant i????? it just makes me so sad and i want to just run and cry. but i am at work. here until 330 and then home to take care of my girl. no time to cry. cnt mess up my makeup. cnt let them see me sad. dont want questions. dont want to go into the shame i feel inside.
so its just me and this blog...
me and my music...
me and my memories...
me and my pain...
me and my sadness.................
some days i feel like i dont knw how i am standing. how i am breathing. how i am able to smile to the people around me. so many hows... i cant even and dont even want to try and explain today. just want to sit and work and just be. is that fucking alright??!!!
and the anger is starting to rise from inside my chest. the burning. the pain that i try to ignore.
i am going to go back to my silence for now. if u need me i will be inside myself. let me. its the only place where i feel welcome. everything is alright here.
write u later blogger people that may only listen bc they have to actually read the words rather than hear them. when u read them u take them in. whatever....

Paramore "The Only Exception"

Today i am wondering how lonely a person can possibly feel? my hole is re-entering my body. how can i only hv this space to talk to without any limitations. i cant trust anyone. i lose myself here. i dont even write it all on here. is there anyone out there that has secrets that only U fucking know?! i need an answer to this question. does anyone else hate that u cant tell another soul what is going on in ur life? well i knw y i cant tell anyone bc everyone around me does everything the way u r suppose to do it. cheating and lying is not something that i surround myself with but i am a part of on my own. i know no one that is in this or has been at this moment. of course while in the program i did but i am not currently attending those meetings right now. its really frustrating to be in a life where everyone frowns on what u do but they dont knw. they hv NO idea who u r. well IT might bc i am writing this at work and of course they can see all of my history and knw all of my personal life im sure. but what the hell. this is the only time that i hv to write and get stuff out of my head. the few mins here and there throughout my work stuff.
whenever something goes wrong in my life or i first hear a song i think about my qualifier. im not sure y i just do. everything about him made me happy but i knw that it wasnt real. it was fast and like a whirlwind, a tornado, a hurricane, a rollercoaster, any fucking fast adrenaline life experience u can conjour up that was the experience with him every time. he just knocked the breath from me and he loved it. he loved lighting me up and then punching me in the chest. u knw that emotional abuse feels exactly if not WORSE than physical abuse any day! physical abuse is something that u can see and u knw it happened and u can prove it and people sympathize with . emotional abuse is something that only u see and feel. only u can say it out loud that it happened and then they are only words to explain how u feel or felt. when someone sees a bruise they think "wow that must hv hurt" and they feel sorry for u and cuddle and love on u. when its words people tune u out. fuck them.
i hv tried to write songs about the way that i feel but i just cant do it. the lyrics come out to long and i cant think of a tune to go along with them so trying to write a song without a tune is almost pointless. so i just write it out this way. but songs that i listen to - most of them! - carrry in the lyrics the exact way that i feel. there are useless shit that i listen to just to carry my mood upstream (most of the time that is hip hop and cave club shit). but bands like trespassers william, paramore (all i wanted was u), lifehouse, mayer, finch, and others are my loves. i dont knw what my life would look like without the influence of music. it is prob my one and only true passion with the exception of my daughter now. i will attach the lyrics to the song title of the blog in a minute.
i lost my dog of 11 yrs the past saturday. there are no words to describe his soft fur laying with no movement. seeing his tongue turn purple was excruciatingly painful. seeing his last breathes escape his body. knowing that i was never going to feel his soft face and rub his ears and hear him grunt with appreciation as i was doing it. for 11 yrs he loved me unconditionally. no matter how upset i got with him after he chewed up my shoes or ate the hamburger off the table. he LOVED me! he is the only animal (human animal included) that i knw LOVED me and just loved me..... all of my flaws. i didnt hv to explain anything to him. just "b" with him. and he didnt want anything but all of me and my attention. just wanted my love in return for nothing. no sex, no communication, no anything. just wanted me to pet him and hug him. lol when i left my husband for a short while he was my ONLY friend. he slept with me beside my bed every night and let me cry on him. he loved me.... and he is gone. and it fucking hurts. so bad that i feel like chaos is all around me suffocating me and draining me. but isnt that what i yearn for?? chaos?? i am sick of trying to understand this pain. tired of trying to control it and make it better. sick of trying to talk myself into something wrong being right. but what is right? can u actually love 2 people?? do we not love more than one bc whoever made sense of the Bible and all of the other religious beliefs said that it was wrong and we will go to Hell or wherever lost souls go? thats what i believe. we follow everything we are brainwashed into believing. where are our souls? where are our true souls that are independent of what we are told? apparently i am one of the ones that "God" will leave behind bc of my sins. fuck that! my Higher Power and my Higher Power alone makes that decision and i think that as fucked up as some might think of me and my choices he/she/it will forgive me and love me bc he/she/it was with me in that room when my uncle put his shit in my mouth at 5 and he/she/it was there when my dad left me. he/she/it knws my every thought and every time my soul bleeds and hurts.
anyways... i will stop being a crzy person and tell u about the song. the lyrics are:

When I was youngerI saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watchedAs he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promisedI'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhereDeep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until I had sworn to myself that
I'mContent with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can'tLet go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh---You, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exceptionYou, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

this song doesnt actually make me think of anyone. it makes me think about how i am about love. and how i became to believe what i believe about love. and that i am meant to live out this life alone.
ttyl bloggers.

....

so i told my husband what has bn swimming in my head the past few weeks. i am struggling somewhat internally. as always. i turn my pain inside on myself. i just feel like at some point it will all come tumbling down and i am going to crumble.
i dont hv any time alone in my head anymore except the drive home from work. this is the only place that i feel the "real" me surfaces and everything that i am not thinking about comes forward like bile. my thoughts are scary. to me anyways. i hv to b this certain person now more than ever for my daughters sake. i refuse to let her grow up with any of the pain/trauma that i hv experienced as long as i can control it. i knw that she will ultimately face some sort of pain/trauma but i pray that it is nothing compared with what i carry around. so i go home and i am her mom. i am happy, i mean i hv my moments of "ahhhh!" when she is crying and i cnt figure out what she wants. what mom doesnt? and if u dont hv those moments... good for u. also, shame on u. children need to knw that not every day is a party and everything is always happy and smooth. that is doing them a disservice. bc when something does happen that creates some sort of chaos in their lives they are going to crumble not knwing what to do. i hv seen it and heard the stories from friends whose parents acted like nothing bad ever happened. when my friends mom later tried to kill herself she jumped off and didnt knw where to go or what to do. she thought everything was fine. she drank and partied and whatever else u want to include in there. so i knw that u cant act perfect. so i admit that i do hv my moments where i just go "what do u want?!" its hard not to. but when i am alone in my car driving home... i just wonder when i am going to crack and if/when i do i dont think that it will b back to the person that i was 5 yrs ago... i just feel like i will try to end it all. that scares me. terrifies me actually. then when i reflect on everything and i knw that i could never do it bc the thing that has kept me here in this "life" is that i dont want to hurt anyone that horribly. i knw that people love me and i could never quit on them. but i just hv to start realizing that i cant b what everyone else wants me to b. i hv to take care of myself and allow myself to feel when i need to feel and talk about what is going on inside my head. its just hard when the days blur together and u cant even remember how old u r. LoL yes all year i hv had to keep calculating my age bc for some freaking reason i cannot remember it. LoL my husband says its that over 30 thing where u just want it to stop so u just stop remembering how old u really are. whatever is going on i think i am turning 33 this year.
well... so now i hv gotten this out into the universe and i am letting it take care of me. I hv bn feeling/thinking this for a few weeks now and so now i hv said it outloud to my husband and written it out on here so that takes power from it all. and makes me feel lighter and allows me to smile. :) thats me smiling. haha
there are alot of days that i dont want to be here and i dont want to experience any of this but then on the good days... i knw y i am here and y i stay here. my girl now says hello to me when i come home at night. and her smile is the most Beautiful smile that i have ever seen my entire life. and her eyes just sparkle with interest and love for everything. i cant imagine missing out on any of those moments.
anyways.... thanks for listening and reading if anyone does. keep being strong and keep taking care of ur inner child and grow. the world becomes a better place when ur inner child grows and becomes stronger. u cant even imagine how that helps you b able to accept things and live everyday.

"War of my Life" John Mayer

So.... its been awhile since i blogged about anything. reason?... i was pregnant. and when prego stress is not good so i try to keep it at a minimal to keep from losing the baby and also to have a happy baby. i dont like to bring up the past when prego. did it with my first baby and she is soooo happy and calm. i lost the baby almost 3 weeks ago. how do i feel? i smile soooo much at work and around others that dont matter. same old stuff. people ask about it and i tell them what happened. and i caught myself doing something that is typical of me... talking about it and smiling. just something i picked up through everything that has happened growing up. i watch these reality shows where they talk to these women that talk about these painful experiences and they smile when talking about it. when asked how they are talking about something so painful and smiling they dont knw y. i guess they hv just learned to survive. i used to tell myself its bc i dont hv a problem with what happened and i tell others so that they are aware and wont let anything happen to their loved ones so they dont have to suffer. guess that really isnt what is happening. its a mask. but honestly what else am i suppose to do?? i hv done everything that is suggested this time to b able to process losing my baby in a healthy way. truth is... it fucking hurts...
i hv bn working so much lately and planning my babies 1 yr bday party that i hv kept my feelings under my skin enough where i hvnt had to deal with them. well its only a matter of time with these things. saturday night after the bday party those feelings that i was harboring came crashing down. i just sobbed. i hv had a Great deal of support through all of this and i am Thankful for everyone in my life! hving people that care has taken me through this more gracefully than anything else in my life. but its going to take time. i hv never lost anyone close to me, or a baby inside me for that matter, so this is all new for me. but i am staying close to my husband and leaning on him. i see my therapist, the old one, on friday. i hv bn doing well at staying true to myself through this but i feel like i need a little extra edge on it all. someone to say yeah that is a great thing that u r doing and try this too. i just HATE feeling!!! hate it with a passion!! but i knw that i hv to walk through the pain of this to come out on the other side healthier and happier. something that i hv never knwn in my life with all of the other pain. the easy part of this is that it happened now when i am able to look it in the face and deal with it headstrong. the stuff that happened in the past was unavoidable and i was a child. children do not knw how to deal with pain. they are taught how to do it by their parents. when my dad left my mom left me too. thats how she dealt with her pain. i will not do that. i see her mistakes and will not relive them with my own daughter.
anyways... i just wanted to check in and get this out into the universe where it belongs. not in my head. :)
laters.