My soul is broken.....

i am so sad right now...
i hurt so bad right now...
i want this crzy fucked up life to stop...
what do i do? pls help...
i love my husband sooooo much. he is my everything. we have bn through hell and back together. we were meant to be together b4 we even had a choice in the choice. it was in the stars. y do i keep hurting him over and over again? y do i keep choosing to hurt myself over and over again? what is wrong with me? y cant i get this right? i hv tasted happiness. it was sweet. it was meaningful. it was alive. it was amazing. it was me prego. but i cant b prego forever and i hv to b able to hv a meaningful relationship bc of myself. not bc i am trying to not hurt someone else. in being prego i would not hurt my love, my baby girl. so i did everything possible to not b sad and to just live. and no one wanted to b with me or bothered me bc i was prego. LoL in a way the "ugly" that i try to create by cutting my hair short and other things was me being prego. i was left alone. mostly. so y cant i do the same thing while not being prego? y cant i just live? y cant i just b happy? i knw that no one has the answer but myself. i want to love my husband. its just that stuff that he doesnt do hurts me. stuff that he says hurts me. it isnt anything ugly i just want so much more than anyone is willing to give me. bc of the unhealthy side of me. the side that i try to work on keeping healthy. still though i completely give in and hurt myself and him. he doesnt even knw that i am hurting him though. i feel like the ugliest person in the world. i am so hateful. unloyal. awful. horrible. i hate myself. i really really do. it hurts so much to knw that i cant love him fully bc of my secrets. and the only way to b able to live is to lose him. and i knw that ultimately one day.... i will. and that hurts even more. and then i just go into this whole thought... 'well he is going to find out and leave me one day anyways...so y shouldnt i just do these things?' and my soul just bleeds. what is worse is that ultimately bc of the secret i hold my little girl will suffer. and prob hate me beyond belief. i just cant handle the thought of losing her. what do i do? my life is a lie. a complete and total lie.
i am going to die alone. i knw that there will b people at my funeral. but they will b there for the shell of a person that they knw. not the real person behind the body. which is really fucking sad. i am just not sure what to do. i knw that i dont want to live the whole rest of my life living like this and knwing that i am a liar but at what cost do i go to get my freedom back?? i hv a huge responsibility now of raising a little human being and not causing her the same pain that i had grwing up. so i guess i just wait. and this should b my punishment. i do deserve this. i knw it. and its fine. i accept that.
for now i just wait... and smile. however exhausting it may be. i will b starting to attend SIA meetings this week. i hope they go well. i knw that i need the support. but i have to b careful. i am scared that going will put more pressure on myself but then again when i was attending meetings...no i still acted out. didnt matter. FUCK!!! :(