Hurt... Christina Aguilera

i havent been here for awhile... i just dont knw where else to turn at the moment. im hurting so bad. i knw everyone hurts and all that... i dont fucking care at the moment. my pain is all that i can c or that matters and maybe thats selfish but i dont fucking care! All i can do is c him in my head. feel his eyes look through me. feel his hand on my stomach talking to our unborn baby. holding me. making me feel like i am all that matters to him. its all gone... him... the baby... all of it. part of the disease i guess. i just knw that i miss him. he was so crazy. nothing was going to change that and who he is. he would always be who he is. and nothing can change a person from the outside. no woman. no child. no mother/father. no... change comes from within. and he still has to fully admit that he is sick. i knw that i am. i just dont knw what happened. i was doing fine. i mean i wasnt being as healthy as i could have been but i had someone in my life that was great to me. but i was "bored" of what was "normal" and he was there in my moment of weakness. i dont knw what is wrong with me. i just destroy anything good in my life and make a wreck of it and it hurts. now... well now i have no job bc i quit it bc i couldnt stand the thought of seeing him after the baby. and i dont have my baby. and i dont have him either. not that i was going to leave my life for him to begin with. after the baby we didnt talk for a couple weeks. i cut him out and decided to move on but i got weak and sent an email with a song link. i missed him. i had changed my phone number and everything to get past it and try to move on. but he responded to my email of course saying how he thought something had happened and he had been asking everyone about me and if they had my new number etc. said how he missed me so much and needed me. how he wanted to make "us" work and all the lies. that was good for about a mth probably and a couple of weeks ago it ended again and this time it is actually for good and its painful. no contact. he kept accusing me of being with someone else. constantly through the ENTIRE relationship. when since May i have done nothing but think about him. i hv only slept with him. only "loved" him. but he was just so irrational. he was/is like a light switch. one minute he was loving me and the next he was telling me i was sleeping with someone else and he hated sharing me. i feel like it is/was my punishment for doing all the wrong i have done the past few years. to finally find someone u care about so much but they cant love/care about me bc of stuff i hv done. bc of how heartless and uncaring and unloving i have been in my relationship with my husband. my punishment... i keep hving these pains in my stomach where the baby was today. like reminders. i keep thinking if i still had my baby he would still b in my life. even though i knw that i dont want him in my life really bc he is so toxic and painful. i just feel like i am in a horrible dark hole right now. its painful. i am trying desperately to remember all the good i have in my life at the same time but alot of times the pain of not wanting to live any longer is overwhelming. i try to tell the people around me how i feel like that bc i dont want it to hv the power enough to really happen. but they are sick of me i think. sick of me complaining about how hard life is and how i hate it. open ur eyes... look around you. i c my beautiful baby and i cnt imagine life without her. i cnt imagine taking myself out of her life bc i knw she needs me. she is what keeps me here. i just cnt figure out how people just say things. they just open theirs mouths and this shit comes out and its lies. just dont open ur fucking mouths. just keep them shut unles u really mean the things u say. i dont say i love u. i dont say i miss u. i dont say shit unless i feel it inside and its suppose to be said. i dont confuse people and say things to make them hurt later. think about what u say to people before u open ur mouth. i just sometimes dont understand the point. why was i put here? to keep feeling this way? to hv these ups and downs. to feel happy. to feel sad. all n blinks. i told my husband tonight i dont understand how they dont put me as borderline bipolar. its not just the ups and downs. i do things that are just cut throat. i quit my job! just one day to the next. i made $80K/yr and hv expensive bills but it didnt matter. just quit. i make these decisions and just do them. if i dont want u in my life anymore... done. i dont talk to u anymore. sell my house and just walk away... done. only some people get my attention enough to where i cnt forget them. he is one of them. i cnt get rid of him. im trying. i knw it gets better over time but im afraid that he is going to b like the other one in my life that just got stuck in my head. only he is worse bc of the baby. i would b 4 mths right now. i am just not sure what i am suppose to be doing in this moment. i dont want to go back to the career i was doing bc of the stress. alot of money but they take ur soul. i cnt give it any more. but im just in a limbo state right now. meetings... i went to one last week. its just that i feel like people do the meetings and church and stuff bc it gives them something to follow to get their minds off stuff and then they walk around telling everyone how wholly they feel and free. i just couldnt do it. i want answers. Question #1: Footprints in the sand... where are/have you been????!!!! Question #2: Y didnt you stop it?! miracle of ____ give him a heart attack in the moment or something fatal! Question #3: Why cant i love? :( i just want something to change in me to make me understand this. i want to find the person that will help me change and work with me to understand y i am the way i am and to wrap themselves around me. maybe i should have just done drugs or something. good night...