"Almost Lover" A Fine Frenzy

I dreamt about you last night. :-( I have never had you in my dreams before. I was putting my baby girl in my car and you pulled up beside me and unrolled your window. u just stared at me. i didnt recognize u. and then i finally came to who u were. u had small children in ur truck with u and i said "what do u want?" and u got out of the truck and grabbed ahold of me and a hugged me and whispered in my ear.... " i fucked up so badly letting you go." i just cried.

on my way to work this morning i just needed to b alone. just listen to my ipod and b alone. i wasnt thinking about the dream at all. didnt even realize that i had it i just felt strange. i turned on "almost lover" and u appeared. my dream reentered my mind and there u were. ur sad eyes and scarred lip. u r prob the only person that when u would look at me i could not look away. u just embraced me with ur eyes. and then i started thinking with the only part of me that i can believe right now. i pulled up the rational part of my head and said to myself "y am i so stuck on this man that doesnt even prob EVER think about me!!!??" i hate this!!! and i heard myself say "y didnt u want me?" to my father. and i nearly died in the car driving. y didnt he want me? y didnt he want me? and i then started to think about my thoughts of suicide and thinking that my baby is better off not seeing me sad like this and how my therapist said no she wouldnt be. i knw she wouldnt be i just dont knw what is wrong with me. how can i make this better? how can i make this stuff go away? i am trying. i am going to therapy again and attending a meeting a week. haha. i hate the meetings but i get alot from them. alot of awareness and clarity. and now that i have found one that i really belong in it should be interesting. avoidance meetings. they are unreal! alot of pain sitting in that room even with the ones that are trying sooooo hard to be happy u can see their sadness just shine through. but only a true avoidant would prob b able to see that.

i hv to get to work. talk more later. just needed to get some stuff off my head.