cont... Jar of Hearts...

I cannot love anyone ever again. i am half a life. the only love i will ever know from this point on is the love for and from my daughter. without that i die.

"Jar of Hearts" Christinna Perri

This song is bringing up so much pain. it just describes my "qualifier" in every word of the lyrics. how he kept coming back into my life and just taking my soul and just leaving me completely empty and helpless. i remember walking around the house completely alone and just falling to my knees unable to stand under the hole in my chest that would just consume me and take over. it hurt soooo fucking much. i have never experienced a pain so whole before. i mean feeling alone is something that i have grown accustomed to growing up in pain but having someone be able to break down ALL of my walls and take me in with every fiber of my being was something i had NEVER experienced. and he was so heartless. i think about him all the time and that hurts even more bc every 2 steps forward i take, every memory pulls me back 1. and my heart just hurts all over again. i knw that many people hv experienced heartache but for someone to b able to reach you at every level inside ur being and u to obviously not be able to do the same to them is just incredible. and it wasnt even "love" it was "lust." complete and total infatuation and lust. how can something so strong just be that? its just so confusing to me. i wonder all the time if he ever thinks about me? i mean i would like to think that he does bc what we had was on such a different level but i knw that he doesnt. how could he? i was just there. i was someone he used to fulfill his desires at the time. he didnt care about me just what i could give him physically. i remember back on occasion to the moments with him and how he would just sit back and let me do what needed to be done. i remember, as sadly and as less as i possibly can, how i was so into it and being rigorously honest with myself i knw that he wasnt. i can see it in my head on his face. it was just happening for him. there were moments that i could tell that he would have done anything for me to fuck him and he would be really into it. but it was only for the fuck. after that it was on to where we needed to be. for him that was his wife that i didnt know about. HA! anyways. i remember being in a hotel room with him and sitting at the little table that was in there across from eachother and the way he just looked straight into my eyes past them and directly through to my soul. i loved his eyes. i knw i did. they were sad. like mine. and i felt his sadness that he never let me into. i think if he had he would not hv bn able to leave but he wouldnt. its fine. its over. whats done is done and i cnt make a heart love me (like the george straight song) so i will learn to love myself as best i can. which lately has been quite difficult. i honestly hate myself most of the time. well back to work.
later...