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so i told my husband what has bn swimming in my head the past few weeks. i am struggling somewhat internally. as always. i turn my pain inside on myself. i just feel like at some point it will all come tumbling down and i am going to crumble.
i dont hv any time alone in my head anymore except the drive home from work. this is the only place that i feel the "real" me surfaces and everything that i am not thinking about comes forward like bile. my thoughts are scary. to me anyways. i hv to b this certain person now more than ever for my daughters sake. i refuse to let her grow up with any of the pain/trauma that i hv experienced as long as i can control it. i knw that she will ultimately face some sort of pain/trauma but i pray that it is nothing compared with what i carry around. so i go home and i am her mom. i am happy, i mean i hv my moments of "ahhhh!" when she is crying and i cnt figure out what she wants. what mom doesnt? and if u dont hv those moments... good for u. also, shame on u. children need to knw that not every day is a party and everything is always happy and smooth. that is doing them a disservice. bc when something does happen that creates some sort of chaos in their lives they are going to crumble not knwing what to do. i hv seen it and heard the stories from friends whose parents acted like nothing bad ever happened. when my friends mom later tried to kill herself she jumped off and didnt knw where to go or what to do. she thought everything was fine. she drank and partied and whatever else u want to include in there. so i knw that u cant act perfect. so i admit that i do hv my moments where i just go "what do u want?!" its hard not to. but when i am alone in my car driving home... i just wonder when i am going to crack and if/when i do i dont think that it will b back to the person that i was 5 yrs ago... i just feel like i will try to end it all. that scares me. terrifies me actually. then when i reflect on everything and i knw that i could never do it bc the thing that has kept me here in this "life" is that i dont want to hurt anyone that horribly. i knw that people love me and i could never quit on them. but i just hv to start realizing that i cant b what everyone else wants me to b. i hv to take care of myself and allow myself to feel when i need to feel and talk about what is going on inside my head. its just hard when the days blur together and u cant even remember how old u r. LoL yes all year i hv had to keep calculating my age bc for some freaking reason i cannot remember it. LoL my husband says its that over 30 thing where u just want it to stop so u just stop remembering how old u really are. whatever is going on i think i am turning 33 this year.
well... so now i hv gotten this out into the universe and i am letting it take care of me. I hv bn feeling/thinking this for a few weeks now and so now i hv said it outloud to my husband and written it out on here so that takes power from it all. and makes me feel lighter and allows me to smile. :) thats me smiling. haha
there are alot of days that i dont want to be here and i dont want to experience any of this but then on the good days... i knw y i am here and y i stay here. my girl now says hello to me when i come home at night. and her smile is the most Beautiful smile that i have ever seen my entire life. and her eyes just sparkle with interest and love for everything. i cant imagine missing out on any of those moments.
anyways.... thanks for listening and reading if anyone does. keep being strong and keep taking care of ur inner child and grow. the world becomes a better place when ur inner child grows and becomes stronger. u cant even imagine how that helps you b able to accept things and live everyday.