"my little girl" tim mcgraw

Stepfather...
after some while now since ur last email to me i decided to write u back. it has taken me awhile to get back to u bc i cant think of anything nice to say in response. i am not sure y i tried to contact u after such a long time. just another one of those i will try to forgive and see if anything has changed. it hasnt. on ur side that is. but since i am taking the time to write u back i am also going to take the time to tell u how i really feel about everything. after talking to u on the phone and reading ur email i cant get over how u still insist of treating me and my brother and sister. u hv bn in my life since i was 6 yrs old and still refuse to accept me as ur child. but yet u had no problem discipling and making me follow ur rules. u refer to ur children as "my anna" and their kids as "my abi." and the pics that u send me back of ur grandchildren from "ur" children are when they are only weeks old and they are now almost 3. haha u dont even know ur grandchildren from "ur" children. do u not understand that u r the ONLY father that we have ever really known? we have no other father figure. and the only father that we have had to know in our life was u who was abusive emotionally and physically. and u act as if we owe u an apology. what is that?! we didnt take television cable and beat u with it. we didnt hit u in the back of the head when ever we felt the need to do so. we didnt break brooms across ur back. we didnt drag u through bedroom windows and make u swallow ur tongue. we didnt take ur face and almost drown u in the shower head. we didnt smash all of ur cds bc we didnt like what u were listening to. we didnt beat ur mother around while we were drunk and not drunk. we didnt read ur journal and thoughts allowed to u to embarrass and humiliate u for the way u were feeling. we didnt call u names like "bitch, asshole, bastard, etc." there is more trust me. yet u still act as though me, my brother, and my sister owe U something!! i feel sorry for you. and u say that u cry bc of the sadness u may have caused ur own children between u and my mother. u didnt beat them like u did us. if only ur "real" son knew the pain u caused us while were growing up before they came around. the drugs and alcohol that we watched u consume daily. i am sick of letting black holes like u just walk around and blame innocent people for ur problems. how does a 6, 3, & 2 year old cause a grown ass man pain?! how do they cause a grown ass man to go out drinking and doing drugs?! did u think we enjoyed u beating on us and causing us emotional pain? do u think we liked watching u beat our mother? do u think we like being locked in the closest listening to u laugh outside while holding the door closed? do u think we liked hearing our mother screaming from behind the closest door begging to be let out? what the fuck is wrong with u?! what the fuck is wrong with your fucking screwed up twisted shity mind???!!!! and u hv the nerve to say negative things about my husband? the only man to stay in my life for 15 years and never call me a bad name, always support anything i put my mind to doing, take care of my daughter everyday, love me no matter what i am going through, and NEVER EVER raise his hand to me!! and u dare say negative things about him to me. u wanna know the reason u cry? i am telling u now y u do. if u hv bn trying to block it out i am hear to remind u of the bastard u really are. dont run from it bc i will never go away. if anyone deserves an apology it is me, my brother, my sister, and my mother. NOT YOU! u r rotting in ur own shame today and u will until u die. and that is bc u refuse to own up to ur part in the way that we are today. and the struggles that we have to overcome today with our addictions that were learned from you. u should apologize to us and beg us for forgiveness. u dont treat children like shit bc they are smaller than u and less powerful. children should be treated with the same respect that an adult is given. and they should be loved and cared for more that an adult is loved or cared for. i am done trying to make things better between us. i am finished trying to let black holes back into my life. i have a child to think about now and anyone that causes me pain is someone that could potentially cause my daughter pain. and those people will not be a part of my life any longer. even if the pain they cause is not directly to my daughter i know that she will see it through me and i will not allow her to see me suffer. she deserves the best life that i can give her. not a life like the one u thought that we deserved. my father was a fuckerhead... NOT his children. i am so very glad that me, my brother, and my sister are not fuckerheads like u and my father. that is something that we left with the both of you. to rot with the both of you. not our children. and let me warn u about something else... fuck my brother up right now and i can promise u that u will never speak to him again. i cant believe that he is giving u the time of day right now without any apology for the horrible things u put him through. and he doesnt come out and talk about any of it. just keeps it locked up. just know that if u mess up again he will not ever speak to u again bc it really is one chance and he is done with u.
goodbye fuckerhead

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112301498&ft=1&f=1001

i was on my way in this morning and i was listening to the radio and caught the end of this Horrific story. i mean there are MANY terrible stories out there that probably surpass this but it was what i heard this morning that upset me. What the fuck is wrong with this world?!! i started to tear up when i was listening to the radio djs discuss it but they didnt for long. just to announce the story and that was it. i wonder if someone on the other side of the glass was motioning for them to move on from it. WTF?! let them talk about it. and its just bc... "well, it makes the listeners uncomfortable." ummmm.... ok then let them change the fucking channel then if they dont care enough about our future to listen!!!! i am just so angry about the way our future is going. i was looking at another users blog yesterday and she updates it with the stories that are going on concerning incidences of sexual abuse. i do realize that reading the stories is not helping me to move past what happened bc it just brings the vomit back into my throat followed by anger, but it is just so awful and sick. and what is soooo fucking alarming is that it is pastors, TEACHERS, police officers, baby sitters, etc. i understand that pedafiles are so manipulative and choose the path that is trusted so that they have easier access to children but WTF are we doing as a society?! we let anyone be a teacher which is sooooooo messed up! does anyone out there have 1/2 a brain?! teachers should be in therapy ALL the time and should be psychologically evaluated and they should not be able to teach if they have had any experiences with sexual abuse. now that one is incredibly hard for me to say bc i would LOVE to be a teacher and i know bc of my past that would leave me out of doing what i would love to do. but if it means that a child would be given a chance at a "normal" life that didnt have the nightmares of sexual assualt their entire life afterwards then i am willing to give up my want to be a teacher. i am just so angry this morning. i will breathe and eat my banana choco chip cake from starbucks along with my venti black tea lemonade (sweetened) and just try to be for now. i wish that somehow i could just change things. i dont know my purpose for being on this planet but i have a determination in me to make it worth something! i do tell people about my experience growing up... my therapist said that i shouldnt because i am making it like am i the victim all of the time and i have to get away from that but that is NOT why i tell people what happened. i tell them so that they are better informed and to open this shit up so that is STOPS being something hush hush. this is so fucking serious and we need to get a hold of it! there is no reason for this to continue and by allowing people that have had a bad sexual experience growing up to be in a position that they are around children is NOT acceptable. especially knowing what we do. and knowing that molestation and sexual abuse is most likely a learned behavior. so what the hell... lets just keep passing it down by allowing people with this past to be in trusted positions and taking care of our future everyday. lets let them be in position that children idiolize, like police officers. i dont know a little boy yet that hasnt once growing up didnt say i want to be a policeman. lets let these men/women preach in our churches and pray over our future as they drag them into darkness and hell. what the hell... y not?! fuckers!

"battlefield" jordin sparks

how and y do we forgive so easily?! i was thinking about this yesterday as i was driving home from work. i wasnt doing all to great yesterday. i hv bn doing so well but i guess my mind starting catching up with me and thoughts come up like vomit when that happens. i was reading another users blog yesterday and they wrote about how people are "hiding from reality" and that "we're all running away from something or someone." story of my life. thats y i hv this blog now. to write down my reality when i need to. it may look like i am an open book by this blog bc i write down evrything about myself so that the universe can just read it and judge me and hate me but its not like that. i write it all out to get it out of my head bc it is so poisonous. the venom that my thoughts seep out could be deadly for me and have come quite close to being just that in the past. but i am quiet the opposite. few, if any, people really know me. i am only close to my family and not even that lately. i shut down ALOT. i isolate continously! there isnt a day that goes by that i am not isolately myself from the rest of the stupid obnoxious world. there are few people that i get along with completely. actually there is only one person that i get along with and truly love and that is my husband. yessss..... i know what i did in the past to him makes that sound like a lie but i dont know what was going on inside me then and i still dont. how can u love someone so fucking completely and do the things i did??!!! i am a horrible person for it! i know that and i beat myself up for it everyday. every-fucking-day! i hate it. but i ultimately cannot change the past. whats done is done. i can only look forward and hope that i can make the changes now and the future. thats all i can ask of myself. do i slip? yes, occasionally i do. but i am not perfect just as no one else walking on this planet is. my God is the only perfect being that i am fortunate to know and love. i hv gone through all of the questions about my God, as everyone else has, but i know that he is there and he does love me and cares for me. i dont need to explain how i know this but i do. he shows me everyday through my daughter.
backing up to forgiveness though... how does our mind do this? is it bc we want so badly for something to be "right" and just make it go away that we forgive? how can someone rip ur soul from ur body (just an expression) and hurt u so badly and u turn around and just let them back into ur life? im not sure i understand this. i hv let horrible people back into my life without even an apology. just bc i want so badly for them to b a part of my existence. but y do i want these black souls to be a part of my one life here? sometimes i just think i can change them somehow. make the past never happen (but it did) and they will love me. the past never happened and they always loved me. whatever...
well... i just wanted to take a break from work and write out was weighing on my soul this afternoon. i hope u r having a great day if anyone is reading this in blogger universe.

"what it is to burn" the finch

OMG! okay... life as a sex addict. LoL i hate it! im not one of the sex addicts that watches porno or obsessed with porno. not one of the sex addicts that should be locked away or anything. i am a tame (in a way) sex addict. what i mean is that i am aware of it and i control it. i guess in a a way i bottle it up. i know that is just a recipe for disaster but what else am i suppose to do with it. i mean i have and still will in the future if needed attend meetings and see my therapist when i feel it is overwhelming me. but its a day by day thing.

today was soooo incredibly difficult. i am not sure what triggered me but my palms were actually sweating and i had to leave for lunch and go to target to breathe. i went to the bathroom sometime before lunch and almost lost it. i have someone at work that i flirt with occasionally. nothing more than harmless flirting but i start it most of the time. back to the bathroom. so i wore this black mini skirt that came above my knee and was pretty tight. i had on thigh highs that have lace on top. i wear them every time i wear a dress or skirt. thong of course. and tight lacey black and white top that was low cut. i had on my black pointed heels that are pretty high. when i went to the bathroom i felt so crazed all of sudden. i put my leg out in front of me and imagined raising my skirt to reveal the lace on my thigh high and putting my heel on a man's chest. this would allow him to look up my skirt and see my black thong and well... u can imagine what else. i dont want to go to deep in to detail. thats all u really need to know to know that my mind set me off. ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! i hate controlling this.

the guy that i flirt with has tattoos. i have this thing for tattoos on men with dark skin. wow! u dont even want to know where my mind goes then. hahaha i think george clooney in "from dusk til dawn" was so incredibly HOT in that movie. his tattoos were amazing. across his shoulder blades and down his arm. makes men look so strong to me. i just want to watch their muscle flex as they grab me and take me down softly but then just hold me down with their strength. LoL this is definetly not somewhere where i need to be right now. i am trying to be "good." i have bn doing really well. on sept 29th or so of this year i will have been sober for a year. woohoo! i just hv to remember i can look but cant touch. which is so fucking hard and so disappointing. and its not that i am not taken care of in that department. trust me. i am by my husband. i just want and want and want. i am afraid of what he would think of me if i told him what i was really thinking sometimes. well... i hv and he took it well and we tried it but he was scared of hurting me. i can understand that i guess. but if a woman tells u to take her and tells u what to do to her just fucking do it!!! trust that she is going to tell u if u r hurting her. if she isnt complaining most of the time it is going to be alright. well... i shouldnt say that. there are women that wont say anything bc they dont want to disappoint the other party. in that case i dont know what to say. those women will let u hurt them and they wont say anything. i hv bn there. u just want to make the other party so happy. i totally get off to the other person wanting me sooo fucking bad that they just take it. i want someone to want me so bad that they can not control themselves. and when they fuck me i want them to just fuck me. not worry about if it is hurting me or if i am about to get off. i get off to feeling the other persons aggressiveness and power. maybe that is everyone. i am not really thinking about everyone right now just about myself. that is what i like.
so i dont want this to be porno or anything. i just had to get this out of my head today. it is just making me crzy holding it in and it is making me anxious and wanting to act out even more. i was so bad too bc i did sort of act out today. i flirted harder than i should have with someone and that is not good. i dont regret it but i shouldnt do it. i dont know if that makes sense. but i dont live with regret for my past. i have the awareness and i know what i am doing. i just know that i cant take it any further and that i have to stop. its just sooo hard to do! living this life is so fucking hard sometimes. honestly. i hate the people that made me the way that i am. bc unfortunately i am the way i am bc of fuckerheads. i dont blame myself for anything that has happened but i hate the people that created me! i have to live with their disease bc they passed it on to me. their fucking addiction to alcohol, sex, lies, etc. i hate them!
'what it is to burn' is the best song ever. i love the way it makes me feel inside and all over. i turn it up really loud and just take it in. just let it take over my mind and body. literally.

"only u can love me this way" keith urban

i heard this song on the way home from work a couple weeks ago. i just sat there and started to relate it to my qualifier. that is the first place that my mind goes. sucks but it does. then as i sat there listening to it i said what the hell am i doing. i started thinking and relating it to my husband. it made me so happy inside. y was i relating it to that fuckerhead, my qualifier. he didnt deserve it. he isnt the man that i love and that loves me in return. something that i am NOT used to and didnt even realize until i started going to therapy and attending meetings. the reason that i go the other way with my husband is bc he is the one and ONLY man that has ever come into my life and not wanted anything from me. only to love me. only to take care of me and support me. my mind says that this is not right and it runs. i 'learned' something completely different in my young mind. but u can work on changing this unhealthy version of what ur mind was taught. it really was the strangest exercise i had ever put my mind to practicing. instead of going where my mind wanted me to... the man that met me, took my heart and put it in a blender, was married and lied to me, who abandoned me just like my father, who kept coming back and pulling me in only to leave me again the same way three times! not a word from him when he would disappear. i would obsessively call and text him and look him up on myspace. i didnt know anything about him but where he worked and what kind of car he drove. he didnt let me in bc he was married and i was naive. he was an idiot. he saw me ALL the time for a month and then just stop contact for no reason at all. i still dont understand it. i know now that they call his type a 'sociopath.' he is like my father. exactly. really scary.
my husband is nothing like him. my father. he is the exact opposite and i dont know that kind of man. men only want to touch me. want to get near me to fuck me. after 29 years of this type of man coming into my life and me just ignoring them i couldnt any longer. my heart was broken by all of it and i just let them have what they all wanted. and it made them happy and they wanted me. forget how i was wanted... they wanted me. i just wanted someone to want/need me as much as i wanted/needed someone. i wanted that, what i thought it was, passion that i needed to breathe. that incredible spark when someone unknwn and off limits touches ur skin. someone to push me against the wall and agressively take me. push against me and just take what they wanted. even if i didnt want it. its not passion though. its my addiction. i dont let anyone into my heart. i made that mistake with my qualifier. its only physical. but y wasnt i feeling these things with my husband. y was i not wanting him to b the one to push me against the wall and tear off my clothes? i am trying to remember what it was that my therapist told me was the reason y i pushed him away. y i didnt let him do these things to me.
my qualifier... i still fell him in my throat. what i felt for him was so intense and still is. i cant go to his myspace or facebook. it makes me feel horrible. the last time i did look at his facebook he had remarried. he got divorced after our thing. i am not really sure y. i think from following his wife's myspace she found out that he was being unfaithful. i will never know how bc i wasnt even suppose to know he was married. the first time he was in my life he was "single." he told me everything i wanted to hear and texted me/called me non stop all day until he got home with her. since i didnt know anything about this. i never even dated in high school bc my stepfather wouldnt let me. i didnt know the evils that were out there when it came to men and dating and stuff. i got suspicious after a mth of seeing him and making my husband leave that something was going on. i got sick and he went to the hospital to see me and be with me when they released me and i noticed on his phone that some girl stacey was calling him alot. HA it was his wife i later found out. and when i did and i approached him about it. he fucking stopped contact with me. just dropped me. bc of the addict i have in me and bc i never let anyone in and did with him. i broke into a million pieces and thought i couldnt breathe. i kept having anxiety attacks and my chest kept feeling like it was caving in on me and i couldnt breathe. i would literally fall to my knees on the floor sobbing. it was soooooo fucking intense. but it was always intense when i was with him so this was no different without him. y wouldnt it stop???!!!! y could i not get this one to leave?!!! get out of my fucking head??!!! it was my birthday the next day and he was suppose to have taken me out. my world just felt like it was dying around me. i cant remember ever feeling this bad except when my father left me. yes... that is where i remember the feeling!! this is exactly y i am writing this and getting it out. to get it out and try to understand it. it happens that way actually. when i go to the meetings and therapy and do the work (steps) things come up and fall into place. i just cant do the program. i feel like it is a little bit of a brain wash. u just have to b very careful bc it can absorb u and u hv to b able to do what they tell u "take what u need and leave the rest" i hv a friend and know others that cant even put their foot in front of them if the program doesnt tell them to do so. i mean i live in fear but my fear doesnt control me. and i wont allow others to control me.
wow to let a man have this control over my heart? what was wrong with me? what happened to me and the wall i had built to protect my heart? how did he get in? the only thing i can think is that i let him kiss me... i know it sounds crzy but everytime he would disappear (this happened 3 times b4 i said "fuck you - u r not doing this to me again." and i changed everything - phone number etc so that i couldnt b contacted and pulled back in by him) but everytime we would disappear the one thing i couldnt get out of my head was his kiss and his lips. the scar on his lips. the way he tasted. the intensity. how i could not get enough of his mouth on mine. i cried thinking about it. no one is allowed to kiss me after this first time. kissing is the window to the soul. and open fucking door in my mind. and no one. no one ever will b there again. my soul is the only fucking thing keeping me here. my body doesnt and isnt. my soul is very vulnerable and is hurt.
i am going back to sleep. i wrote 'the kill' the other day but didnt get to publish it bc the baby woke up and i never got back to it.
please dont read my thoughts and life and think that this is it... this is depressing. bc my life is so very different now. i am still learning myself but in a safer environment and one that is loving. there are people out there that do love me and want to love me. but i did realize that i am not fucked up. after reading some of the blogs that are out there... i am completely normal for someone that these things have happened to. i just want to share what has happened with my life and hope that i can reach into someone else soul and help them find some answer or relief from it all. life is so overwhelming at times and it helps to have the support of people that understand what u r going through. it is important to know that u r not alone and that others have pasts. others are just as fucked up as u feel. hahaha some even more. u just hv to figure out how it works for u to channel ur fuckedupism and make it feel somewhat safe and happy. that is what i am working on. i am not going to jump off into the scary again. not going to let the people that fucked me up ruin the life that i can have. fuck them!!!!
lots of love to u all!!

"The Kill" 30 seconds to mars

i am an open book on here. i want this stuff out of my head......
i started therapy finally at the age of 29. i was breaking down. my soul was so sad i could barely walk. it hurt to do anything. but still i kept smiling. the smile that everyone loved and knew. i took care of everyone and i was the rock. i have forever suffered from depression but no one listened to me. as far back as i can remember my soul suffered. i think at times that i dont belong here. i feel as if i belong back in the western times with the old dresses that had the corsets and lace up boots. riding sideways on the horse. do i read romance novels? nope. never have. hate them in fact. but my heart and soul belong in the country. i just feel like i have always bn older than everyone around me. maybe its bc i had to care for everyone all the time. i have bn taking care of my siblings since i was 6 yrs old. my stepfather was suppose to be taking care of us but he did his drugs in the garage behind the house while i cooked, cleaned, and took care of my 3 and 2 yr old brother and sister inside. i never got to be a child. i wonder ALL the time how i managed to do it. after i had just bn sexually molested by my uncle when i was 5 on numerous occasions.


my father left when i was 5. he abandoned us. i remember him leaving like it was today. i dont even have to close my eyes to see him drive away and never look back. i loved him sooo fucking much. i was daddy's little girl and he... didnt love me back. it breaks my heart. now i find myself in a place where i have bn diagnosed with a disease. sex... love.... avoidant.... addiction??? i have bn attending meetings since aug07. i stopped going when i got prego though bc i didnt want to stress out while prego. didnt want the baby to know depression. i did really well while i was prego. i just stayed happy. didnt think about the past and the shit that was there and is there lurking. i just stayed happy. for her.


its so crzy the places ur mind will go sometimes. the places u will let urself go to just bc u dont give a shit anymore. my body didnt mean a damn thing to me. all any man has EVER wanted from me is sex. i dont mean anything else but that. it doesnt matter that i have a heart and that i want more than anything to be loved. the thing is that i will never feel loved. reason being bc my dad did what he did to me. bc he left and never loved me back i tend to fall for guys that will never love me in return. haha funny how that works. i was reading a book recently, didnt finish of course (habit of mine), called 'get out of ur mind and into ur life.' it is a really great book if u can find time to read it and take it in to really understand it. it is by steven hayes. it talks about how we learn something. say a pic of a dog. and we learn that the dog goes 'bark.' but if there is something that interupts that sequence like everytime the dog were to bark u get hit. then everytime a dog barks u r going to flinch. something like that. it makes sense in my head. the example they give is a sunset and how most people find sunsets relaxing and wonderful and they make them smile while others will cry at a sunset. maybe bc they saw a sunset when someone the loved passed away. well i learned from the beginning that no one will love me for my heart. only for my body and what i can give them. my dad is an asshole. people should not be able to just have children. there should be an application that they have to fill out b4 getting prego. people fuck people up. whats sad is that there are so many fucked up people out there. bc of fucked up people. hahaha. my uncle was a child molester and his brother was too. from what i have learned... molestation is a learned behavior. sooooo that means that somewhere in there family there are other child molesters and they were molested themselves. wow. at the time that my uncle was molesting me... his brother was molesting my cousins. how can a father let their children be molested. he had to have known that his brother was doing that to his own children. un-fucking-believable. i just learned of this last year. my cousin finally, after 25 years, came out and told what was happening. haha after they all called me a liar. except my mom. she believed me she just didnt do anything about it after i told her. only called my aunt who said i was lying. i am not really sure y a 10 year old girl would lie about something like that but hey what do i know.


so i broke when i turned 29. i got married to a wonderful man that i have bn with for 14 years and i broke. i couldnt take it any more. my mom and siblings fell apart bc they said that they didnt know anything about how i was feeling. its funny bc i told them ALL the fucking time i was hurting. i broke my moms heart. but they all broke mine. i threw them all out of my life. i wouldnt answer the phone, would hang up on them if they started talking shit and telling me that i was doing wrong and y was i treating my husband the way i was. forget the fact that my whole life has bn nothing but shit. i have ALOT of anger built up from all of this. but its not really bad anger its just an angry side that i like to vent out every now and then. but i am not a rage person or anything like that. instead of taking it out on anyone else in fact i internalize it and turn it against myself. that is y i felt like killing myself so often. i hate myself. i hate the things that i did during the years following my 29th birthday. i gave up.



the title is a song. a song that reminds me of my qualifier.... i hate him.... but always think about him. another fuckerhead.

"what is that stain?!"

i dont even know why that title today. i wish i could figure out how to slow it all down. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Is anyone even out there in blogger universe? i cant figure this blogging thing out. i dont care anymore. i am just going to write. if anyone ever reads this and cares to comment i would appreciate it. even if it tells me that i complain/whine to much and no one cares. so i read some of the blogs on here this past weekend. i wanted to see what this whole thing was all about and also wanted to see how censored it is. know my limits. HA doesnt look like there are many limits on what u can/cant write about on here. so here it goes. since last week i have noticed that i can NOT concentrate on one thing. i have 5 things going on at once it seems like. most of the time it doesnt seem like it i really do. its so fucked up! my head is just spinning and wants to do it all at once. i actually start feeling shaky. i was on meds last year but stopped taking them when i got prego. didnt want to hurt my unborn. the withdrawals were so horrible. i still have them today. "brain freezes" as they call them. almost hurts. sometimes my little girl does this twitch thing when she is starting to wind down and sleep. scares me bc i am afraid that the meds did affect her somehow. i dont know. do u c what i mean? on one topic and then jump to another and back. its crzy! my work suffers tremendously bc of this. but i refuse to get back on meds. its just another way for the doctors to make money. i just need to find a safe and natural way of channeling my energy. yoga or something. the thing is that it leaves me dropping way down when i do finally crash. its like a caffiene rush without having any caffiene. anxiety i guess. who knows. and im rambling about stupid shit that doesnt matter.
there is a stain on my sheet. thats what made me think of that title. i dont know what it is. probably some sort of candy or something im sure. i eat alot of choco. i find myself eating alot of everything now adays. i feel so freaking fat all the time now. well... i have always felt fat. i hate getting undressed in front of anyone afraid that they might see my fat. and yes... i am fat bc i am writing that. u got it. fat and ugly and writing a blog bc no one wants me. hahaha. whatever u want to believe. anyways.
y am i writing a blog? well... i dont keep a journal. reason being bc i have a fucker head of a stepfather. i used to write all the time while i was growing up. poems and just journal stuff to get it out of my head. yes some of it was sexual in nature bc i was a teenage girl that liked boys. had i had sex yet? yes. on my parents bed. hahaha. they dont know that of course. anyways he found my journal. it was so small too. one of those itty bitty notebooks with the spiral on top holding it together. and i had hid it in a crack in the little vanity dresser that i would sit at all the time in my room. he had to have stuck his hand in every crack to find it. but he did find it. i dont even know how anyone knew that i had it. he took it and read it and when i got home he sat me down on the couch and read my words back to me. fucker fucker fucker. who does that to someone? there are lots of things that he did that didnt respect anyone elses boundaries. he was so abusive... physically and mentally. my sister and brother are ruined bc of him. my brother does drugs (not cocaine or anything. well i dont know that he hasnt tried anything else but mostly marijuana) and he wont come around my mom, who he blames for the abuse bc she didnt leave. my sister is the sweetest person ever with the exception that she wont tell anyone to go to hell unless they shove her over the edge. she wont drive any further than down the street from her house. and is OVERLY protective of her children bc she doesnt want the same nightmare she endured to happen to them.
me.... well.... i am.... a nobody. i talk to much and cant figure out what this life is all about. y i was put here? the only good that has happened to me is my daughter. she is my life. she is the reason i breathe everyday now. the reason i go to work. the reason i eat so that i can nurse her and sustain her. the reason i am happy around everyone. the reason i hold it all in now. i wont let her see me not breathing. i want her to b happy. i will NOT abuse her and use her like everyone has me. i will allow her to be a child. protect her in every way humanly possible. i will not suffocate her and use her to make myself feel better. i will not let her think that i need her to feel better. i will allow her to live. live a life that i was not given. she will not take care of all of her siblings (if she has any)... that is my job. she will NOT be sexually, emotionally, or physically abused. she will be loved and feel loved. i am curious as to what kind of person she will become as i use the knowledge that i was given to raise her. i want her to be compassionate. not prideful. understanding. loving. caring. STRONG. independent. intelligent. open minded. Great! is it possible though to be these things without having all the poisonous relationships? will she not know the bad and end up with the bad? i guess that is where i decide to tell her about the bad that is out there. u know its one thing though to read about bad and have bad happen. u know what i mean?
well... i knew i wanted to write something today just didnt know what. i feel like going on and on and on. just get it all out. i know that i have time though. i dont say that i have tom bc maybe i wont. maybe this is all that u will knw about me. these 2 blogs. haha
i used to think alot about killing myself. i dont know how many times i pulled out a razor blade and would just hold it and feel it and then just sob... i laid on the bathroom tile in the shower once curled in a ball just sobbing holding the blade. i was by myself at that time bc i had shoved everyone out of my life. my husband. my family. my friends. i was alone. i just laid there thinking 'no one would even knw that i had done it. i would for sure die.' no one ever came to see me or check on me when i was alone. and they knew that i wouldnt answer the phone. bc i wouldnt. and if someone tried to talk to me about what was going on... i would hang up on them. i told my husband that i hated him and to get the FUCK OUT! he just kept touching my arms trying to get me to hug him and kept telling me he loved me. i left bc he wouldnt leave me alone once. i had a one night with some guy that i never even met. soooo fucking stupid. all i know was his name was george and he drove a bmw. thats it. oh i think he lived in austin. who knows. who cares. i had no life that i wanted to live anymore. everyone i had ever known fucked me up in some way and they didnt care so y should i. my body is just a shell. it carries around my soul that will one day be removed and carried to Heaven. that is the only thing that kept me here. the thought of going to Hell for committing suicide. i know that what i did during the 2 years that i lost control of everything should be grounds for me to go to Hell but i do believe that my God is forgiving and he knows that i have bn to Hell already. being sexually abused when u r 5 is Hell. and since i have seen it he will not let me go back there for being drug there innocently. i want to cry so bad right now. i have never really thought that much into it b4. but yeah that was Hell. and i lived in it for 5 years silently until i told my mother. who did nothing by the way. and have lived in it ever since. i am 32 now and will be forever haunted by what happened. i have done therapy, 12 step, emdr (started to but didnt finish), read books, and now i am on positive thinking and trying to love myself. stay focused. stay intact. even though my mind is a fucking rollercoaster all the time! i am writing a book now. haha. well, that is what i started doing this for. to get it out and to stop poisoning my mind with it. from what i have read from others on here it seems like alot of us use this for that same reason.
well... i have to get off bc my battery is about to die on this laptop. wont say that i will b back bc like i said b4... who knows what tom might bring. but believe it will not be by my hand that it happens. i wont do it. :) i love being alive right now. hahaha i cant believe that i can actually write that now. anyways....

"Proceed with Caution..."

"This song comes with a warning..." have you ever thought that some music should have that as a caution? i do. there are many on my list but one for certain... it is by trespassers william "lie in the sound." everyone probably has their song. for me its the underlying feelings that surface when i hear certain songs. the behind the mask that it makes me cautious of. the me that i run from. does everyone have this "other" only they know? i ask myself that all the time. i know that my "other" does exist and i do believe we all have another self that we ignore. whatever it is made of or from. mine was made from tragedy in my life growing up. circumstances that were beyond my control but i have forever blamed myself somehow. but no doubt about it "she" is there. "she" is the only person that knows my fantasies and my sins. what i do live in fear of everyday is her resurfacing. that jeckyll and hyde feeling is very real for some of us that walk, talk, and breathe daily. i dont like to talk or write about this because who wants to sound crazy to the rest of the world? but if everyone were completely honest (rigorously honest) with themselves they would admit that they go out of character every now and then and can not explain why. i guess i believe that by me acknowledging my character and past i have some, maybe not all, but some control of it. maybe not. i was thinking the other night, as i danced with my baby girl, that i will never be able to be honest with anyone the rest of my life. just go day by day and continue the cycle of living everyday. sounds bleak i know... but its not. its hard, o lies about that, but not bleak. anymore. i wonder if one day i might break. LoL. like i did experience recently. i dont write anything out on paper. afraid of someone reading it and finding out the truth. my secret super hero identity. muhahahaha. except there is nothing "hero" about what happened. it was like the black hole that had been created in my heart from abuse finally burst and bled all over me. it was a mess inside and out. one that i dont think i will ever get cleaned up. at least not in my head anyway. i became something that i didnt think existed within me. someone very dark. through therapy i confronted this side of myself but was to weak at the time to control "her." sounds strange but it was definetly not a side of me that i have grown knowing.
i thought that by writing how i feel and getting it out into the universe and hearing that maybe others have the same stuff going on inside them that i might be able to get some peace from it all. "u r not alone." words that i came to know by joining a 12-step. really? i am not alone? someone out there knows what i am going through? when i heard those words and listened to others talk about their experiences i realized that i wasnt alone and it made a huge difference in my life. is the pain still there? everyday! cant get away from it for some reason. i have read numerous books but its not something u can get from a book. healing, i mean.
i just hope that maybe my words can help someone and in return others can help me. through tragedy comes strength. unbelievable super hero strength that unknown to even the host is there. we have to stop living in agony and bleakness and support eachother! open the doors to our freedom and stop letting these monsters that we have encountered destroy us. but we are the only ones that can do it for ourselves. no one else can reach out for us and take anothers hand for support. only u can do that for urself. i just want to connect with others that may share the way i feel about this stuff. if i dont thats fine too. i will at least have gotten this out into the universe as i said before and hopefully gets some peace and freedom from it. :)