How does this life work? I just cant figure it out! As much as i hv tried to do this thing right I cannot. I fail and I fall and I pick myself up to at least my knees and then I fail and fall again. I was telling the women that I work with that there has to b this man out there that I meet and we talk and he learns me and what has happened n my life and he understands that to b n a relationship, a lasting one, with me he has to make me c his love for me first. He has to somehow hv had therapy or something to knw that sex is something that has to b taken off the table with me bc if not the relationship he hopes to enter as a lasting one will ultimately fail if he doesn't. All I hv ever known is that sex brings me attention and makes men "love" me. That I don't hv much else to offer except my body. Men don't care about anything else but x typically. I just wish someone out there would understand me and love me. Is there this man out there? I don't knw. I am just so weird right now. I knw that my husband loves me and would do anything for me but he doesn't knw how to show it. Which after 16 years i find absolutely disappointing that he doesn't knw how to show me that he loves me and to knw when i am in a low and need some extra help to pull myself up.
Lately i hv been trying to pin point the exact moment in time when we fell away from each other. I can't. We used to b so connected. Now i don't knw him and he doesn't knw me.
I hv bn n a relationship with another man for 9 mths now. So every time my husband does try to reach out, which isn't that often, i feel like a complete loser. I just don't knw how to walk away. And what if that is the wrong decision? I read the story of hosea for the first time the other day. Unconditional love. Hahahaha. Is there such a thing anymore? I mean i don't think that there is. But then again i don't believe n love. I hv yet to find that. That is going to b that man that just knows my soul.
I sm all over the place tonight. I hvnt written anything for awhile so i thought i would take some time out to let go of some stuff but mu head is to crowded so it just mashes together. Plus i just worked a 13 hr day.
Whatever. Sorry if i wasted ur time.
This is me today.
11 months ago
