My soul is broken.....

i am so sad right now...
i hurt so bad right now...
i want this crzy fucked up life to stop...
what do i do? pls help...
i love my husband sooooo much. he is my everything. we have bn through hell and back together. we were meant to be together b4 we even had a choice in the choice. it was in the stars. y do i keep hurting him over and over again? y do i keep choosing to hurt myself over and over again? what is wrong with me? y cant i get this right? i hv tasted happiness. it was sweet. it was meaningful. it was alive. it was amazing. it was me prego. but i cant b prego forever and i hv to b able to hv a meaningful relationship bc of myself. not bc i am trying to not hurt someone else. in being prego i would not hurt my love, my baby girl. so i did everything possible to not b sad and to just live. and no one wanted to b with me or bothered me bc i was prego. LoL in a way the "ugly" that i try to create by cutting my hair short and other things was me being prego. i was left alone. mostly. so y cant i do the same thing while not being prego? y cant i just live? y cant i just b happy? i knw that no one has the answer but myself. i want to love my husband. its just that stuff that he doesnt do hurts me. stuff that he says hurts me. it isnt anything ugly i just want so much more than anyone is willing to give me. bc of the unhealthy side of me. the side that i try to work on keeping healthy. still though i completely give in and hurt myself and him. he doesnt even knw that i am hurting him though. i feel like the ugliest person in the world. i am so hateful. unloyal. awful. horrible. i hate myself. i really really do. it hurts so much to knw that i cant love him fully bc of my secrets. and the only way to b able to live is to lose him. and i knw that ultimately one day.... i will. and that hurts even more. and then i just go into this whole thought... 'well he is going to find out and leave me one day anyways...so y shouldnt i just do these things?' and my soul just bleeds. what is worse is that ultimately bc of the secret i hold my little girl will suffer. and prob hate me beyond belief. i just cant handle the thought of losing her. what do i do? my life is a lie. a complete and total lie.
i am going to die alone. i knw that there will b people at my funeral. but they will b there for the shell of a person that they knw. not the real person behind the body. which is really fucking sad. i am just not sure what to do. i knw that i dont want to live the whole rest of my life living like this and knwing that i am a liar but at what cost do i go to get my freedom back?? i hv a huge responsibility now of raising a little human being and not causing her the same pain that i had grwing up. so i guess i just wait. and this should b my punishment. i do deserve this. i knw it. and its fine. i accept that.
for now i just wait... and smile. however exhausting it may be. i will b starting to attend SIA meetings this week. i hope they go well. i knw that i need the support. but i have to b careful. i am scared that going will put more pressure on myself but then again when i was attending meetings...no i still acted out. didnt matter. FUCK!!! :(

"WTF?!"

So i hv bn so angry lately. not outwardly, just inward. i am so sick of everyone telling me stuff like... "well, u r a stronger person bc of what happened to you..." "u hv to accept it and learn to live with it and..." WTF?! what is that? if i had a choice i dont care to be stronger bc some fucker head decided that it was his right to take away my innocence at the age 5! if i had a choice my father would NOT have abandoned us when i was 5! if i had a choice my mother would NOT have bn so selfish and would hv thought that maybe my children are hurting too bc of their father. if i had a choice the other countless fuckerheads that i have encountered would have left me the FUCK alone!!!! what did i do to deserve watching my brother and sister being beaten on whenever some asshole stepfather of ours had a bad day. what did i do to deserve any of what happen to me as a child and young adult?! fuck being stronger bc of it! Fuck accepting it and just learning to live with it! i hv every right to be so fucking pissed off at everyone!
i watched sex rehab tonight. i was in tears! my heart just bleeds for 2 of the people on the show. the gay Duncan who was horribly abused as a child and the Bitch KariAnn who everyone hates bc she doesnt want to deal with the shit that has happened. Duncan is awesome! such a Beautiful soul and doesnt even know it. so in the show tonight they had him talk to the psycho dr about how he was feeling and the guy told him that "every time he acts out he is hurting that little boy (his inner child) over and over again..." my oh my... there is ALOT of truth to that. i dont normally attach pics to my postings. but the 17 yr old that acts out and thinks she is protecting the 5 yr old in me looks like the pic that is attached. doesnt really give a shit about feelings. just takes. takes what she needs to survive. takes what she wants to feel worthy. which is sexual. y does sex make her feel worthy? bc that is how she was taught to love. hahahaha fucking pervs that make us the way we are. i knw that i am NOT the only person out there that has bn put through this Hell. i knw that i am NOT alone but with all of my soul i feel so fucking alone. sooooo fucking alone!!
what do i want? i want someone to love me. i want someone to smother me with their love. i want someone to say fuck no u cant talk to that person. i want someone to challenge me and put down rules. i want someone to guide me and not fucking trust me. i want my father. a father. i want that man that was suppose to give a fuck about me. i want the man that was suppose to protect me and love me so fucking much that he could hardly love himself. i hate him! i hate him! i hate him! how could he allow me to b so vulnerable? how could he have left me so unprotected? he was my world. my heart belonged to him and was wrapped around him forever. but he didnt care. he just broke me. and here i stand... searching for him in every man i meet. and forever i will be let down. bc there is NO man on earth that could/would ever love me as much as my father could/should have. so to the man that was suppose to unconditionally love me and protect me from the real monster that walk, talk, breathe, and surface every day i say..... FUCK YOU!! and i hope that u do live every day of ur life hating urself for the pain that u hv caused me. and to every man that is out there that ever does read this... if u r one of those fathers that left ur children abandoned... shame on u! and Fuck u! bc the pic attached to this blog is prob what ur little girl looks like on the outside/inside.
goodnight blogger universe...

"Because of You" Reba McEntire & Kelly Clarkson

i was on my drive home last night and this song came on. i began just sobbing. tears just falling. i hv bn struggling with something this past week and i cant put my finger on it. something hurts. i think that bc it is hurting me emotionally it is killing me physically as well. just eating at my heart and soul and body. i just havent had the time to sit down and take it in and possible recover from it. its making it hard for me to be present and making temptations harder. my therapist asked me monday if i am going to b ok while she is on vacation for 3 weeks. i mean i have to b right. she is just another person and she needs her breaks and her life. i just wish she could walk beside me for one day and hold my hand like a child. just show me what foot to put in front of the other. i am self taught and that is a scary thing. i am naturally clueless as to what to do next i feel. my boundaries are there but not strong. i couldnt hold one up to save my life prob. it sucks to feel so insecure about who i am suppose to be. where my smile should come from?
there is a guy at work. 26. of course. i dont knw y the younger ones are so attracted to me. he thought i was 28. hahahaha. i am 32. not old but not in my 20s anymore. i dont really wish to be but only to maybe change some things every now and then. so what do u think he wants from me? well of course thats what he wants. he tells me he lives 10 mins from work. hahaha i hv bn to this place b4. its like deja vu. this is exactly the same path the last course took. it was the guy upstairs and then someone that i work with in my group and then asshole that was married and lied to me and i gave up everything for, and then just men to try and escape the pain. destractions. and a few of them only one night. easy ones. so here i am escaping in the same exact pattern. upstairs and now a guy that i work with. so freaking crzy that my head is spinning. and it is my fault. do i clse the door to this new hit?? no. bc then what? i am getting older and feel ugly. fat. just gross. i like to b told that i am not. wow that is awful isnt it? prob so but i dont care. u dont knw me. i am so brutally honest on here that i sometimes cant believe that i write this stuff.
so i write this stuff to get some perspective on it but no one ever says anything. makes me even more like an idiot and awful person. which is prob true. anyways. i just had to get some stuff out this morning. i may add something later.

"Satellite Heart" Anya Marina

so i saw my new therapist today. how was that? fucking scary thats how! but she is specialized in child sexual abuse and she is an addictions specialist. or so she says. well all week i have just bn on pins and needles worried about this appt. couldnt figure out y. just thought it was bc of it being a new therapist blah blah blah. so u knw that show that i was talking about last time? well a couple things hv come from it. first of all the denial of my sex addiction which still just sounds like i am some freak or something. next is what happened in therapy. so i was telling her about how i act out and she was asking me how i feel when i do. well i was telling her that i dont feel. i disconnect from what is happening. i hv had practice doing this my whole life. pretending not to feel. its easy. EXTREMELY easy which is scary. but anyways... she asked me how old do i feel when this is happening bc i told her that i become someone else. which is really what happens. i told her that i hv never really given it any thought. but as i was sitting there i realized that she is about17 or so. and i said that to her.. so her response was "sounds like the 17 year old comes out to protect the 5 yr old." WTF?!! r u kidding me? "sounds like she comes out to be the tough guy and protect." ok so first of all let me wrap my head around the fact that i finally knw the age of the fighter inside me and second of all she thinks she is protecting my 5 yr old that was abused?! so u knw what happened? and i am being soooo fucking serious. the 17 yr old that i internally struggle with... she lost it. its like my insides were so pissed that i finally admitted that she was a part of me and knwing her age made it even more interesting. i wanted to pull over on the side of anywhere and go into whatever bar place i could find and just hit the counter. i wanted to scream! i drove home like this for a good while. just being angry. its like she couldnt just take over anymore bc i knw she is there and the adult in me understands how much she knws. i just felt horrible. sooo sad and depressed. mad and hurt. so intense. and i realized that the act of wanting to drink and "relax" was a way to escape the pain. the pain that everyone keeps telling me i need to feel. so what did i do? i sat in the pain as i was driving home and felt it. i let my 17 yr old feel let her listen to what music she wanted and i talked to her. yes i knw this sounds incredibly crzy to someone that doesnt understand what this is like or is completely unfamiliar with intense pain like this but it is not i can assure u. i am just trying my best to heal. that is all i can do. day by day heal. i am tired of acting out and not taking care of myself mentally. sucks. i hate disconnecting to feel like i mean something to someone. i hate not being able to b present in every situation in my life. i hate not being able to hv a cell phone bc i dont trust myself to use it for every use to be "bad" and act out. it sucks living like this and living in shame. i hate it. i just want some relief. who knws if i will ever b free of it but i need to at least be active with protecting myself from being the addict i knw i can be that lives inside my every fucking day of my life. its insane!! i just want to live semi "normal." if thats possible. i dont know. but anyways. i hope life is good out there in blogger universe. happy blogging. hahahaha whatever. :)

???

Im scared....
i am unbelievably scared. u know its not that i dont recognize that i have a problem bc i know that i do. and i am tired of running from it. tired of hiding from it and tired of pretending that everything is fine. im scared bc i dont hv the time anymore. im scared bc i dont want to abandon or disconnect from from my daughter now or in a few years. the only way around it is to get help. help that i dont have the time for. i work 9 hrs + a day and i only get on a normal day 4 hours with my girl. 4 HRS!! i counted it tonight as i was rocking her to sleep. out of a 120 hrs in a 5-work day schedule i only get 20 hrs with her. that sucks! i mean i am doing everything i humanly can to make those hrs as special as i can and take her in as much as i can but i just dont want to take 2 hrs out of those 20 every week to take care of myself. but in the end i know that it is those 2 hrs that will prob save my relationship with her. i know this. and as of tonight i am almost running for the door to find a meeting although there are no meetings going on right now. i am scared bc i know that i will have to find people to contact in times where i am weak. i am scared bc i knw that i need to work the program through and do the steps. i am scared to bring all of that shit to the surface. but truly what other option(s) do i have at this point??!! none.
i feel like my higher power (if given a name to connect with it... God), knows when i am truly going through something and he throws me some sort of sign and a life line. the past couple of weeks i have really been starting to go through the mess again. the mess that i worked so hard to get out of. the mess that has me questioning some other things that only two people on this earth know about. something that could be soo destructive that i want even say it out loud. i only hint about it and these others 2 people knw what i am talking about. its utterly horrible. but i keep going. i am stressed to my limit right now. i am working full time and taking care of everything while my husband finishes school. it was my idea bc i need him to finish so that he can help me. but now i am just not so sure it was the best of ideas. i have to pay for his school which is going to be $4500 by jan. i really dont know where this money is going to come from. and can i keep from spending the money that is suppose to go into his hands for school???.. no... bc i am in my addiction. completely and totally in my addiction. and it hurts.
so the life line or sign that i was given... i turned on the TV last night and there it was. not sure if blogger universe knows of Dr. Drew but he is a therapist that deals with addictions. he has had mutiple shows on MTV and VH1. "Sex Talk with Parents" "Celebrity Rehab" "Sober House" He is truly my hero. i only wish that there was a dr drew here where i lived. in fact tomorrow i am going to be on a search for one at work through my eap program. i currently have a therapist but i think that i need one that is more specialized in the addiction that i am going through. the sex/love addiction. anyways... the knew show that he has on that i randomly found and could NOT believe was "Sex Rehab with Dr Drew" WTF?!?! i mean its Great that he is out there and making people aware that this really is a horrible addiction and that it isnt something that is "normal" and u dont hv a problem. u do!! and it ruins peoples lives and the people around them. i knw. i speak as one. and the shity part is that out of the 8 people on the show. 7 of them, 7!!!!! are survivors on sexual molestation of some sort. hi... i am a sex/love addict bc a fuckerhead showed me that i am nothing but my body and to get love/attention i have to offer that to others - men in order for them to stay with me and love me and pay attention to me. yep... all i am is a toy. i am not the smart girl that took care of all of her siblings when her parents checked out and grew up to go to college, become an accountant, own her own house, car and now have a wonderful child of her own. i am an object. an object that knws how to completely disconnect from her body and let others have it so that i can have a "friend." someone that will talk to me and want to hang out with me and tell me i am beautiful. and this object has hurt everyone and anyone that has come close to her. some dont even knw she has. i sometimes dont knw y i am allowed to exist? y i hv to exist? but for some reason my higher power thinks i need to be here. whatever...
so am i going to start going to a meeting at least once a week. yes. bc i want to b a mother to my child. not somebodies object. i dont want her to have to attend meetins later when she gets older. i want her to enjoy her life. not worry about 2 hrs out of her day with her child later. i love her. she is everything to me. and if any fuckerhead ever lays a hand anywhere near her body... he will not survive another day to smile. never again will that animal ever smile!!

"Storm" Lifehouse

Hi blogger universe...
i have bn out of touch for a little while. dont know that it really matters. but anyways. my head feels like it is full of crap. u knw i try so hard now to stay away from temptation. i only have one cell phone and i dont keep it during the day when i am at work my husband does so that i can get in touch with him while i am at work, we dont have a land line. and i keep it to one phone bc if i give the number to anyone that i think might tell my husband something than i dont give it out to them. it keeps me from doing stupid stuff bc i cant talk to the other person. i cant even *69 so the other person doesnt see the number. i hv to keep myself very limited. so the affairs dont start up again. hv i found ways around this.... yes well bc its my nature to do so. i am very sly. very. i guess in a way the people that i attract r exactly like me. which is funny for me to say that bc its like i finally started realizing this recently and they say it over and over again in meetings. but no matter how many times u hear something it doesnt matter until ur mind accepts it. i dont know if that makes sense but trust me it is true. so i guess i finally accepted that they are like me. the worst part of that though is knowing the type of people that they are and knwing that i have those tendencies. its really scary. sociopath is what my therapist calls my qualifier. wow. a liar that has no concious. so a while back i did take this path and started wondering if maybe my therapist thought that i was a sociopath.. i asked him. he said no but i dont believe him. bc in my heart. i know its true about me bc that is what i attract. and my past leans toward being a sociopath. except i do feel some regret. but i can lie. very well. its really scary. and i look like a sweet innocent girl. books def cannot b judged by there covers. trust me. the person sitting beside u is prob full of secrets. a little black box. we all are just waiting to open and release. there is a little of it in each of us. there is no possible way to get through life without some sort of trama affecting a moment in ur life. whether it happened to u directly or to someone around u. it affected u and it is waiting. and we all have a liar in us.
i fell again this morning. this really sucks. as hard as i try i keep falling. i fell a couple of weeks ago too. i just dont know how to stop. i say every time. there will not be another time. i am letting my family down. in truth though i am letting myself down. its horrible. i am horrible. i dont know. i just need time to disconnect and i will b fine. :) just keep smiling.
i hate people that hv bn in my life.

"Meet me on the Equinox" Death Cab for Cutie

today is a little difficult for me. i only wish that i had things differently. i understand not to punish myself for the past and to move forward. to understand that what i did does not deserve any forgiveness from those i hurt with or without them knowing what happened. and its not that i am feeling sorry for myself bc i dont. what i did i did being a grownup and knowing the consequences to my actions and for all i know i disobeyed the 12-Commandments and i probably deserve my fate. i hv bn led to believe that what i did was only due to my past and what happened to me as a child. harboring those intense emotions within and keeping them to myself for what has felt like an eternity. finally with my last controllable sane breath these emotions broke free of my grasp and slipped away. it was only a matter of time and experienced therapist/psychologists/and specialists have said its is a wonder that i am where i am today and it did not happen sooner. i have even heard it as harsh as its a wonder that u r alive and have survived this long without something happening. so my actions were finally a result of what was expected from someone that has been through the black hole that i have been through. i know that others have experienced lives that have been far worse than mine but everyone's life is worse to themselves then to someone else. everyone's journeys are different. but a life that has been touch in any shape or form of physical, mental, or sexual abuse is one that will always remain tainted. if i had to choose a color for my life, a tainted color, i think i would choose an orangish color. not really orange but not really red. an in between. i always see frm that light when looking out into the world. not sure if that makes sense but that is just how i feel. i have let my emotions guide me through this life. i am sure that i dont belong here in this time/setting. and if i do its only because i am reliving a life that must have been worse than this one and i was sent back again to try to make it better. although i dont think that has/was very successful. given i dont know what my previous life entailed. but how do u make physical, mental, or sexual abuse better? u cannot change something that you have no control over. maybe that is the mistake that was made when we were created. maybe the process wasnt thought through enough. and now we are to forever live and relive lives that cannot be altered because of happenings that are not of our own control. ramblings from my mind. its funny bc i seem to not be an extraordinary person in the respect that anything that could happen to me usually happens textbook style. nothing out of the oridinary. so maybe my thoughts on our individual souls is not something that someone else has not already written about. i am sure that there is someone else that has already openly expressed their thoughts on this. but as for the moment i am completely oblivious to knowing if that is true so for the moment it is my own personal mind ramblings. LoL. who knows anyway. why make it that complicated. we are concieved, we live a fairly happy or grief stricken lives, and we die. and there is no unknown after that. maybe the thought that we have a soul that is a part of this shell we have encountered doesnt really exist. its just as simple as that. and this could be true knowing that everything always tends to turn out as simple as possible in the end anyway. we make it complicated. we were born to complicate things. *sigh* only our higher power knows.
talk to u later blogger universe.

"I'm Alive" Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews

I havent written anything for a little while so i decided that it was time again this afternoon. i am not feeling so well right now. physically. nothing major just dont feel well.
i was thinking this weekend that women are pretty amazing creatures. not all good amazing but amazing none the less. women can be pretty cold hearted. the worst part is to be knowingly cold-hearted. u know what i mean? i was feeling pretty low after i attended a friends baby shower. this is someone that i have known since high school and we are both now 32. we lost touch with one another for a really long time but have since gotten back in touch. and this sort of incidence is not the first time for something like this to happen. but she just acted like she didnt even care that i was around. everyone/thing was more important. she didnt even acknowledge that i said things. at one point i repeated myself 3 times to her in front of the group of women and she didnt even look my way. then she told everyone what i had just told her 3 times when i thought that she hadnt heard me. it was embarassing to keep telling her thinking she didnt hear me. i hate other people and the way they think that nothing they do hurts ur feelings. i know that maybe her being like that probably had nothing to do with me at all but it just felt so embarrassing.
i sent out an invite to all of the new mommies and soon-to-be-mommies for lunch. it was for this past monday. i dreaded it all weekend bc i thought that they were all just waiting for the last minute to respond. out of 12 invitees only 1 person came. wow. u can only imagine how i felt. totally and completely rejected. i cant really understand what is wrong with me. i am not unattractive. i am not overwieght and i just had a baby. i am always walking now to keep the belly flat. i am always nice to everyone. whatever. just sucks that people are so rude. i would not do that to someone else. but that is just what makes me different from them. i care.
well... i would write more but i really feel like shit today. body hurts all over. take care blooger universe.

Frustration....

i really hate some men! how dare they make me feel like all i am worth is sexual pleasure for them! i am only worth my body. that is how i have been made to feel my entire life. i am sick of it! i am worth so much more. i have a beautiful baby that i am a mother too and a husband that thinks i am priceless. i am a loving sister to all of my younger siblings. i work hard at my job and my work everyday. i care for and honor my mother no matter what i have been through in my life growing up. i take care of everyone elses feelings all the time and forget that i have any. and still i am just a sexual object. doesnt even matter if i cut my hair like a boy.... that is all men ever see in me. is it my voice? what the fuck is it? i am tired today of taking shit from men. thats it.

"animal i have become" three days grace

i hv bn slipping lately. sucks.
i got this email the other day from a man at work that i talk to all the time that said "i want u." it didnt surprise me bc we always flirt and in the past we did have something but it didnt make me feel the same as in the past either. but it did send me spinning to get away from my current reality. recently my husband quit his job so that he could finish school and we are living on my income. which isnt bad bc i have a VERY good job and my income is very successful but it still isnt enough sometimes bc of the way i live on it. u know bc if u r not healthy than ur finances definetly are not. haha
anyways... bc everything feels like it falls on me right now i would do almost anything to escape reality and cheating is one of the ways i have used in the past. reality sucks for me most of the time. i didnt ask for it to but it does. i hate thinking about the past and everything that has happened to me as a child and now as an adult finally dealing with those demons. so it has taken me a week to deal with the issue... i finally sent him an email tonight and said "we should just stay friends and i dont think that we should talk for awhile." i now hv to stick to this statement. i hv such a difficult time sticking with my decisions when i feel like i can not control anything that is happening around me. sucks.
so this morning, and ALL FUCKING DAY actually, i have bn struggling with not contacting the man that i lost control over. i dont open my heart/soul to anyone. people just hurt u so i dont let people/humans into my world. just as skin. not under it. i let him in. i totally and completely just open my chest and let him grab my heart and squeeze the hell out of it. and thats exactly what it felt like when he decided not to talk to me anymore. like my life was being pulled out of my fucking chest and i couldnt breath. i would get home from work and there would be no one here and i would just cave. my chest would feel like there was this huge gaping hole in it and i couldnt breath and it would literally knock me to my knees in the empty quiet house. it hurt soooo fucking bad! i hv never experienced this before bc as i said i hv never really let anyone that close to me. so i have bn having a really hard time not sending him a message that just simply says "i hate u." thats all i want it to say. and he may come back with "me too." who knows. he may not answer at all bc he is a dick and thats what he does best. be a dick. what does "be a dick" actually mean anyways? hmmmm no he is an asshole! there u go. he acts and is an asshole. LoL
he is married again. i hvnt talked to him in over a year now. no contact at ALL! nothing. so i would b breaking that. but it really fucking hurts u know. my therapist says that he is a sociopath. which completely and totally makes sense bc i surround myself with them. just like my father is what everyone says and i agree. my father cheated on my mother. he left us on the side of the road at our house. my mom had us in the car begging him not to go and he pulled her arm back and threatened her with breaking it if she didnt get out of the car and get us out too. she finally did. me, my brother who was 2 and my sister who was 1. and he got in the truck and took off. didnt see/talk to him again until i was 13. he tried to make his way back into our lives. my stepfather stood in the way of that at the time. i hv recently, at 30 years old, finally had contact with him but he wanted nothing but i love u's all the time and wanted me to call him everyday. he pushed and pushed but told everyone else to give me space and time. i couldnt take it. when my phone got turned off i never called him again to give him the new number. they call it being an avoidant. i dont like people who push themselve on me. i run the other way. but... if u dont want me then i cant figure out why and i want answers. i dont need u to follow me around but i dont want u to not like me. its wierd. but i just want u to b at least a hand away.
i know i am all over the place tonight. i hv just bn juggling alot of stuff in my head the past couple of weeks and then the guy at work just set me off. i try so hard and it is soooo hard trust me to stay in this "sober" life that is suppose to be healthier. LoL
i really hope that i can stick to my decision with this guy. be "good." u know the worst part is that he is fixing to have a baby. i hv asked him b4 what is going on in his life that makes him want to act out and cheat and he says nothing. says that he is happy in his marriage and there isnt any reason other than just wanting to b with me. doesnt make any sense to me. there is def some reason that he acts out. he hangs out at alot of stripper bars too. i think that makes him want to b unfaithful and honestly i cannot believe that his wife allows that kind of behavior. unless she doesnt know about that either. she may not. i couldnt b with someone that went to those places on a regular basis. now if they want to take me i will go with them. i have NO problem with that. i could prob learn some moves. LoL and i think its sexy. inside i hv this HUGE part of me that wants to b a million different things sexually. but for some reason i cant get them to come out. i totally see a part of me that is agressive and just takes what she wants when it comes to sex but when i am there and it is right in front of me i cant move. stage fright i guess. but how do u make that go away so that u can just shine the way u want to??? please if anyone reads this and has any ideas let me know. my comments are not published unless i publish them so u can talk to me behind the blog wall if u feel embarrassed. just tell me not to publish. well if u get ugly then i will publish it so that everyone will know that u r an asshole. LoL
"animal i have become" is def a song that i can relate to. half the time i dont know which side of my animal is going to show up. just have to keep it on a leash which is what i am trying desperately to do. i just want to give up and meet this guy in my car and just go at it though. which would take all but 30 mins in a workday to do. and then i would be crumbling again. i just cant take myself back to that dark world that i knew and was a part of for 2 years recently. i live in a dark enough world as it is without adding more darkness to it. "sober" life is the only life i need to live right now.
stay healthy and happy blog universe.

"my little girl" tim mcgraw

Stepfather...
after some while now since ur last email to me i decided to write u back. it has taken me awhile to get back to u bc i cant think of anything nice to say in response. i am not sure y i tried to contact u after such a long time. just another one of those i will try to forgive and see if anything has changed. it hasnt. on ur side that is. but since i am taking the time to write u back i am also going to take the time to tell u how i really feel about everything. after talking to u on the phone and reading ur email i cant get over how u still insist of treating me and my brother and sister. u hv bn in my life since i was 6 yrs old and still refuse to accept me as ur child. but yet u had no problem discipling and making me follow ur rules. u refer to ur children as "my anna" and their kids as "my abi." and the pics that u send me back of ur grandchildren from "ur" children are when they are only weeks old and they are now almost 3. haha u dont even know ur grandchildren from "ur" children. do u not understand that u r the ONLY father that we have ever really known? we have no other father figure. and the only father that we have had to know in our life was u who was abusive emotionally and physically. and u act as if we owe u an apology. what is that?! we didnt take television cable and beat u with it. we didnt hit u in the back of the head when ever we felt the need to do so. we didnt break brooms across ur back. we didnt drag u through bedroom windows and make u swallow ur tongue. we didnt take ur face and almost drown u in the shower head. we didnt smash all of ur cds bc we didnt like what u were listening to. we didnt beat ur mother around while we were drunk and not drunk. we didnt read ur journal and thoughts allowed to u to embarrass and humiliate u for the way u were feeling. we didnt call u names like "bitch, asshole, bastard, etc." there is more trust me. yet u still act as though me, my brother, and my sister owe U something!! i feel sorry for you. and u say that u cry bc of the sadness u may have caused ur own children between u and my mother. u didnt beat them like u did us. if only ur "real" son knew the pain u caused us while were growing up before they came around. the drugs and alcohol that we watched u consume daily. i am sick of letting black holes like u just walk around and blame innocent people for ur problems. how does a 6, 3, & 2 year old cause a grown ass man pain?! how do they cause a grown ass man to go out drinking and doing drugs?! did u think we enjoyed u beating on us and causing us emotional pain? do u think we liked watching u beat our mother? do u think we like being locked in the closest listening to u laugh outside while holding the door closed? do u think we liked hearing our mother screaming from behind the closest door begging to be let out? what the fuck is wrong with u?! what the fuck is wrong with your fucking screwed up twisted shity mind???!!!! and u hv the nerve to say negative things about my husband? the only man to stay in my life for 15 years and never call me a bad name, always support anything i put my mind to doing, take care of my daughter everyday, love me no matter what i am going through, and NEVER EVER raise his hand to me!! and u dare say negative things about him to me. u wanna know the reason u cry? i am telling u now y u do. if u hv bn trying to block it out i am hear to remind u of the bastard u really are. dont run from it bc i will never go away. if anyone deserves an apology it is me, my brother, my sister, and my mother. NOT YOU! u r rotting in ur own shame today and u will until u die. and that is bc u refuse to own up to ur part in the way that we are today. and the struggles that we have to overcome today with our addictions that were learned from you. u should apologize to us and beg us for forgiveness. u dont treat children like shit bc they are smaller than u and less powerful. children should be treated with the same respect that an adult is given. and they should be loved and cared for more that an adult is loved or cared for. i am done trying to make things better between us. i am finished trying to let black holes back into my life. i have a child to think about now and anyone that causes me pain is someone that could potentially cause my daughter pain. and those people will not be a part of my life any longer. even if the pain they cause is not directly to my daughter i know that she will see it through me and i will not allow her to see me suffer. she deserves the best life that i can give her. not a life like the one u thought that we deserved. my father was a fuckerhead... NOT his children. i am so very glad that me, my brother, and my sister are not fuckerheads like u and my father. that is something that we left with the both of you. to rot with the both of you. not our children. and let me warn u about something else... fuck my brother up right now and i can promise u that u will never speak to him again. i cant believe that he is giving u the time of day right now without any apology for the horrible things u put him through. and he doesnt come out and talk about any of it. just keeps it locked up. just know that if u mess up again he will not ever speak to u again bc it really is one chance and he is done with u.
goodbye fuckerhead

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112301498&ft=1&f=1001

i was on my way in this morning and i was listening to the radio and caught the end of this Horrific story. i mean there are MANY terrible stories out there that probably surpass this but it was what i heard this morning that upset me. What the fuck is wrong with this world?!! i started to tear up when i was listening to the radio djs discuss it but they didnt for long. just to announce the story and that was it. i wonder if someone on the other side of the glass was motioning for them to move on from it. WTF?! let them talk about it. and its just bc... "well, it makes the listeners uncomfortable." ummmm.... ok then let them change the fucking channel then if they dont care enough about our future to listen!!!! i am just so angry about the way our future is going. i was looking at another users blog yesterday and she updates it with the stories that are going on concerning incidences of sexual abuse. i do realize that reading the stories is not helping me to move past what happened bc it just brings the vomit back into my throat followed by anger, but it is just so awful and sick. and what is soooo fucking alarming is that it is pastors, TEACHERS, police officers, baby sitters, etc. i understand that pedafiles are so manipulative and choose the path that is trusted so that they have easier access to children but WTF are we doing as a society?! we let anyone be a teacher which is sooooooo messed up! does anyone out there have 1/2 a brain?! teachers should be in therapy ALL the time and should be psychologically evaluated and they should not be able to teach if they have had any experiences with sexual abuse. now that one is incredibly hard for me to say bc i would LOVE to be a teacher and i know bc of my past that would leave me out of doing what i would love to do. but if it means that a child would be given a chance at a "normal" life that didnt have the nightmares of sexual assualt their entire life afterwards then i am willing to give up my want to be a teacher. i am just so angry this morning. i will breathe and eat my banana choco chip cake from starbucks along with my venti black tea lemonade (sweetened) and just try to be for now. i wish that somehow i could just change things. i dont know my purpose for being on this planet but i have a determination in me to make it worth something! i do tell people about my experience growing up... my therapist said that i shouldnt because i am making it like am i the victim all of the time and i have to get away from that but that is NOT why i tell people what happened. i tell them so that they are better informed and to open this shit up so that is STOPS being something hush hush. this is so fucking serious and we need to get a hold of it! there is no reason for this to continue and by allowing people that have had a bad sexual experience growing up to be in a position that they are around children is NOT acceptable. especially knowing what we do. and knowing that molestation and sexual abuse is most likely a learned behavior. so what the hell... lets just keep passing it down by allowing people with this past to be in trusted positions and taking care of our future everyday. lets let them be in position that children idiolize, like police officers. i dont know a little boy yet that hasnt once growing up didnt say i want to be a policeman. lets let these men/women preach in our churches and pray over our future as they drag them into darkness and hell. what the hell... y not?! fuckers!

"battlefield" jordin sparks

how and y do we forgive so easily?! i was thinking about this yesterday as i was driving home from work. i wasnt doing all to great yesterday. i hv bn doing so well but i guess my mind starting catching up with me and thoughts come up like vomit when that happens. i was reading another users blog yesterday and they wrote about how people are "hiding from reality" and that "we're all running away from something or someone." story of my life. thats y i hv this blog now. to write down my reality when i need to. it may look like i am an open book by this blog bc i write down evrything about myself so that the universe can just read it and judge me and hate me but its not like that. i write it all out to get it out of my head bc it is so poisonous. the venom that my thoughts seep out could be deadly for me and have come quite close to being just that in the past. but i am quiet the opposite. few, if any, people really know me. i am only close to my family and not even that lately. i shut down ALOT. i isolate continously! there isnt a day that goes by that i am not isolately myself from the rest of the stupid obnoxious world. there are few people that i get along with completely. actually there is only one person that i get along with and truly love and that is my husband. yessss..... i know what i did in the past to him makes that sound like a lie but i dont know what was going on inside me then and i still dont. how can u love someone so fucking completely and do the things i did??!!! i am a horrible person for it! i know that and i beat myself up for it everyday. every-fucking-day! i hate it. but i ultimately cannot change the past. whats done is done. i can only look forward and hope that i can make the changes now and the future. thats all i can ask of myself. do i slip? yes, occasionally i do. but i am not perfect just as no one else walking on this planet is. my God is the only perfect being that i am fortunate to know and love. i hv gone through all of the questions about my God, as everyone else has, but i know that he is there and he does love me and cares for me. i dont need to explain how i know this but i do. he shows me everyday through my daughter.
backing up to forgiveness though... how does our mind do this? is it bc we want so badly for something to be "right" and just make it go away that we forgive? how can someone rip ur soul from ur body (just an expression) and hurt u so badly and u turn around and just let them back into ur life? im not sure i understand this. i hv let horrible people back into my life without even an apology. just bc i want so badly for them to b a part of my existence. but y do i want these black souls to be a part of my one life here? sometimes i just think i can change them somehow. make the past never happen (but it did) and they will love me. the past never happened and they always loved me. whatever...
well... i just wanted to take a break from work and write out was weighing on my soul this afternoon. i hope u r having a great day if anyone is reading this in blogger universe.

"what it is to burn" the finch

OMG! okay... life as a sex addict. LoL i hate it! im not one of the sex addicts that watches porno or obsessed with porno. not one of the sex addicts that should be locked away or anything. i am a tame (in a way) sex addict. what i mean is that i am aware of it and i control it. i guess in a a way i bottle it up. i know that is just a recipe for disaster but what else am i suppose to do with it. i mean i have and still will in the future if needed attend meetings and see my therapist when i feel it is overwhelming me. but its a day by day thing.

today was soooo incredibly difficult. i am not sure what triggered me but my palms were actually sweating and i had to leave for lunch and go to target to breathe. i went to the bathroom sometime before lunch and almost lost it. i have someone at work that i flirt with occasionally. nothing more than harmless flirting but i start it most of the time. back to the bathroom. so i wore this black mini skirt that came above my knee and was pretty tight. i had on thigh highs that have lace on top. i wear them every time i wear a dress or skirt. thong of course. and tight lacey black and white top that was low cut. i had on my black pointed heels that are pretty high. when i went to the bathroom i felt so crazed all of sudden. i put my leg out in front of me and imagined raising my skirt to reveal the lace on my thigh high and putting my heel on a man's chest. this would allow him to look up my skirt and see my black thong and well... u can imagine what else. i dont want to go to deep in to detail. thats all u really need to know to know that my mind set me off. ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! i hate controlling this.

the guy that i flirt with has tattoos. i have this thing for tattoos on men with dark skin. wow! u dont even want to know where my mind goes then. hahaha i think george clooney in "from dusk til dawn" was so incredibly HOT in that movie. his tattoos were amazing. across his shoulder blades and down his arm. makes men look so strong to me. i just want to watch their muscle flex as they grab me and take me down softly but then just hold me down with their strength. LoL this is definetly not somewhere where i need to be right now. i am trying to be "good." i have bn doing really well. on sept 29th or so of this year i will have been sober for a year. woohoo! i just hv to remember i can look but cant touch. which is so fucking hard and so disappointing. and its not that i am not taken care of in that department. trust me. i am by my husband. i just want and want and want. i am afraid of what he would think of me if i told him what i was really thinking sometimes. well... i hv and he took it well and we tried it but he was scared of hurting me. i can understand that i guess. but if a woman tells u to take her and tells u what to do to her just fucking do it!!! trust that she is going to tell u if u r hurting her. if she isnt complaining most of the time it is going to be alright. well... i shouldnt say that. there are women that wont say anything bc they dont want to disappoint the other party. in that case i dont know what to say. those women will let u hurt them and they wont say anything. i hv bn there. u just want to make the other party so happy. i totally get off to the other person wanting me sooo fucking bad that they just take it. i want someone to want me so bad that they can not control themselves. and when they fuck me i want them to just fuck me. not worry about if it is hurting me or if i am about to get off. i get off to feeling the other persons aggressiveness and power. maybe that is everyone. i am not really thinking about everyone right now just about myself. that is what i like.
so i dont want this to be porno or anything. i just had to get this out of my head today. it is just making me crzy holding it in and it is making me anxious and wanting to act out even more. i was so bad too bc i did sort of act out today. i flirted harder than i should have with someone and that is not good. i dont regret it but i shouldnt do it. i dont know if that makes sense. but i dont live with regret for my past. i have the awareness and i know what i am doing. i just know that i cant take it any further and that i have to stop. its just sooo hard to do! living this life is so fucking hard sometimes. honestly. i hate the people that made me the way that i am. bc unfortunately i am the way i am bc of fuckerheads. i dont blame myself for anything that has happened but i hate the people that created me! i have to live with their disease bc they passed it on to me. their fucking addiction to alcohol, sex, lies, etc. i hate them!
'what it is to burn' is the best song ever. i love the way it makes me feel inside and all over. i turn it up really loud and just take it in. just let it take over my mind and body. literally.

"only u can love me this way" keith urban

i heard this song on the way home from work a couple weeks ago. i just sat there and started to relate it to my qualifier. that is the first place that my mind goes. sucks but it does. then as i sat there listening to it i said what the hell am i doing. i started thinking and relating it to my husband. it made me so happy inside. y was i relating it to that fuckerhead, my qualifier. he didnt deserve it. he isnt the man that i love and that loves me in return. something that i am NOT used to and didnt even realize until i started going to therapy and attending meetings. the reason that i go the other way with my husband is bc he is the one and ONLY man that has ever come into my life and not wanted anything from me. only to love me. only to take care of me and support me. my mind says that this is not right and it runs. i 'learned' something completely different in my young mind. but u can work on changing this unhealthy version of what ur mind was taught. it really was the strangest exercise i had ever put my mind to practicing. instead of going where my mind wanted me to... the man that met me, took my heart and put it in a blender, was married and lied to me, who abandoned me just like my father, who kept coming back and pulling me in only to leave me again the same way three times! not a word from him when he would disappear. i would obsessively call and text him and look him up on myspace. i didnt know anything about him but where he worked and what kind of car he drove. he didnt let me in bc he was married and i was naive. he was an idiot. he saw me ALL the time for a month and then just stop contact for no reason at all. i still dont understand it. i know now that they call his type a 'sociopath.' he is like my father. exactly. really scary.
my husband is nothing like him. my father. he is the exact opposite and i dont know that kind of man. men only want to touch me. want to get near me to fuck me. after 29 years of this type of man coming into my life and me just ignoring them i couldnt any longer. my heart was broken by all of it and i just let them have what they all wanted. and it made them happy and they wanted me. forget how i was wanted... they wanted me. i just wanted someone to want/need me as much as i wanted/needed someone. i wanted that, what i thought it was, passion that i needed to breathe. that incredible spark when someone unknwn and off limits touches ur skin. someone to push me against the wall and agressively take me. push against me and just take what they wanted. even if i didnt want it. its not passion though. its my addiction. i dont let anyone into my heart. i made that mistake with my qualifier. its only physical. but y wasnt i feeling these things with my husband. y was i not wanting him to b the one to push me against the wall and tear off my clothes? i am trying to remember what it was that my therapist told me was the reason y i pushed him away. y i didnt let him do these things to me.
my qualifier... i still fell him in my throat. what i felt for him was so intense and still is. i cant go to his myspace or facebook. it makes me feel horrible. the last time i did look at his facebook he had remarried. he got divorced after our thing. i am not really sure y. i think from following his wife's myspace she found out that he was being unfaithful. i will never know how bc i wasnt even suppose to know he was married. the first time he was in my life he was "single." he told me everything i wanted to hear and texted me/called me non stop all day until he got home with her. since i didnt know anything about this. i never even dated in high school bc my stepfather wouldnt let me. i didnt know the evils that were out there when it came to men and dating and stuff. i got suspicious after a mth of seeing him and making my husband leave that something was going on. i got sick and he went to the hospital to see me and be with me when they released me and i noticed on his phone that some girl stacey was calling him alot. HA it was his wife i later found out. and when i did and i approached him about it. he fucking stopped contact with me. just dropped me. bc of the addict i have in me and bc i never let anyone in and did with him. i broke into a million pieces and thought i couldnt breathe. i kept having anxiety attacks and my chest kept feeling like it was caving in on me and i couldnt breathe. i would literally fall to my knees on the floor sobbing. it was soooooo fucking intense. but it was always intense when i was with him so this was no different without him. y wouldnt it stop???!!!! y could i not get this one to leave?!!! get out of my fucking head??!!! it was my birthday the next day and he was suppose to have taken me out. my world just felt like it was dying around me. i cant remember ever feeling this bad except when my father left me. yes... that is where i remember the feeling!! this is exactly y i am writing this and getting it out. to get it out and try to understand it. it happens that way actually. when i go to the meetings and therapy and do the work (steps) things come up and fall into place. i just cant do the program. i feel like it is a little bit of a brain wash. u just have to b very careful bc it can absorb u and u hv to b able to do what they tell u "take what u need and leave the rest" i hv a friend and know others that cant even put their foot in front of them if the program doesnt tell them to do so. i mean i live in fear but my fear doesnt control me. and i wont allow others to control me.
wow to let a man have this control over my heart? what was wrong with me? what happened to me and the wall i had built to protect my heart? how did he get in? the only thing i can think is that i let him kiss me... i know it sounds crzy but everytime he would disappear (this happened 3 times b4 i said "fuck you - u r not doing this to me again." and i changed everything - phone number etc so that i couldnt b contacted and pulled back in by him) but everytime we would disappear the one thing i couldnt get out of my head was his kiss and his lips. the scar on his lips. the way he tasted. the intensity. how i could not get enough of his mouth on mine. i cried thinking about it. no one is allowed to kiss me after this first time. kissing is the window to the soul. and open fucking door in my mind. and no one. no one ever will b there again. my soul is the only fucking thing keeping me here. my body doesnt and isnt. my soul is very vulnerable and is hurt.
i am going back to sleep. i wrote 'the kill' the other day but didnt get to publish it bc the baby woke up and i never got back to it.
please dont read my thoughts and life and think that this is it... this is depressing. bc my life is so very different now. i am still learning myself but in a safer environment and one that is loving. there are people out there that do love me and want to love me. but i did realize that i am not fucked up. after reading some of the blogs that are out there... i am completely normal for someone that these things have happened to. i just want to share what has happened with my life and hope that i can reach into someone else soul and help them find some answer or relief from it all. life is so overwhelming at times and it helps to have the support of people that understand what u r going through. it is important to know that u r not alone and that others have pasts. others are just as fucked up as u feel. hahaha some even more. u just hv to figure out how it works for u to channel ur fuckedupism and make it feel somewhat safe and happy. that is what i am working on. i am not going to jump off into the scary again. not going to let the people that fucked me up ruin the life that i can have. fuck them!!!!
lots of love to u all!!

"The Kill" 30 seconds to mars

i am an open book on here. i want this stuff out of my head......
i started therapy finally at the age of 29. i was breaking down. my soul was so sad i could barely walk. it hurt to do anything. but still i kept smiling. the smile that everyone loved and knew. i took care of everyone and i was the rock. i have forever suffered from depression but no one listened to me. as far back as i can remember my soul suffered. i think at times that i dont belong here. i feel as if i belong back in the western times with the old dresses that had the corsets and lace up boots. riding sideways on the horse. do i read romance novels? nope. never have. hate them in fact. but my heart and soul belong in the country. i just feel like i have always bn older than everyone around me. maybe its bc i had to care for everyone all the time. i have bn taking care of my siblings since i was 6 yrs old. my stepfather was suppose to be taking care of us but he did his drugs in the garage behind the house while i cooked, cleaned, and took care of my 3 and 2 yr old brother and sister inside. i never got to be a child. i wonder ALL the time how i managed to do it. after i had just bn sexually molested by my uncle when i was 5 on numerous occasions.


my father left when i was 5. he abandoned us. i remember him leaving like it was today. i dont even have to close my eyes to see him drive away and never look back. i loved him sooo fucking much. i was daddy's little girl and he... didnt love me back. it breaks my heart. now i find myself in a place where i have bn diagnosed with a disease. sex... love.... avoidant.... addiction??? i have bn attending meetings since aug07. i stopped going when i got prego though bc i didnt want to stress out while prego. didnt want the baby to know depression. i did really well while i was prego. i just stayed happy. didnt think about the past and the shit that was there and is there lurking. i just stayed happy. for her.


its so crzy the places ur mind will go sometimes. the places u will let urself go to just bc u dont give a shit anymore. my body didnt mean a damn thing to me. all any man has EVER wanted from me is sex. i dont mean anything else but that. it doesnt matter that i have a heart and that i want more than anything to be loved. the thing is that i will never feel loved. reason being bc my dad did what he did to me. bc he left and never loved me back i tend to fall for guys that will never love me in return. haha funny how that works. i was reading a book recently, didnt finish of course (habit of mine), called 'get out of ur mind and into ur life.' it is a really great book if u can find time to read it and take it in to really understand it. it is by steven hayes. it talks about how we learn something. say a pic of a dog. and we learn that the dog goes 'bark.' but if there is something that interupts that sequence like everytime the dog were to bark u get hit. then everytime a dog barks u r going to flinch. something like that. it makes sense in my head. the example they give is a sunset and how most people find sunsets relaxing and wonderful and they make them smile while others will cry at a sunset. maybe bc they saw a sunset when someone the loved passed away. well i learned from the beginning that no one will love me for my heart. only for my body and what i can give them. my dad is an asshole. people should not be able to just have children. there should be an application that they have to fill out b4 getting prego. people fuck people up. whats sad is that there are so many fucked up people out there. bc of fucked up people. hahaha. my uncle was a child molester and his brother was too. from what i have learned... molestation is a learned behavior. sooooo that means that somewhere in there family there are other child molesters and they were molested themselves. wow. at the time that my uncle was molesting me... his brother was molesting my cousins. how can a father let their children be molested. he had to have known that his brother was doing that to his own children. un-fucking-believable. i just learned of this last year. my cousin finally, after 25 years, came out and told what was happening. haha after they all called me a liar. except my mom. she believed me she just didnt do anything about it after i told her. only called my aunt who said i was lying. i am not really sure y a 10 year old girl would lie about something like that but hey what do i know.


so i broke when i turned 29. i got married to a wonderful man that i have bn with for 14 years and i broke. i couldnt take it any more. my mom and siblings fell apart bc they said that they didnt know anything about how i was feeling. its funny bc i told them ALL the fucking time i was hurting. i broke my moms heart. but they all broke mine. i threw them all out of my life. i wouldnt answer the phone, would hang up on them if they started talking shit and telling me that i was doing wrong and y was i treating my husband the way i was. forget the fact that my whole life has bn nothing but shit. i have ALOT of anger built up from all of this. but its not really bad anger its just an angry side that i like to vent out every now and then. but i am not a rage person or anything like that. instead of taking it out on anyone else in fact i internalize it and turn it against myself. that is y i felt like killing myself so often. i hate myself. i hate the things that i did during the years following my 29th birthday. i gave up.



the title is a song. a song that reminds me of my qualifier.... i hate him.... but always think about him. another fuckerhead.

"what is that stain?!"

i dont even know why that title today. i wish i could figure out how to slow it all down. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Is anyone even out there in blogger universe? i cant figure this blogging thing out. i dont care anymore. i am just going to write. if anyone ever reads this and cares to comment i would appreciate it. even if it tells me that i complain/whine to much and no one cares. so i read some of the blogs on here this past weekend. i wanted to see what this whole thing was all about and also wanted to see how censored it is. know my limits. HA doesnt look like there are many limits on what u can/cant write about on here. so here it goes. since last week i have noticed that i can NOT concentrate on one thing. i have 5 things going on at once it seems like. most of the time it doesnt seem like it i really do. its so fucked up! my head is just spinning and wants to do it all at once. i actually start feeling shaky. i was on meds last year but stopped taking them when i got prego. didnt want to hurt my unborn. the withdrawals were so horrible. i still have them today. "brain freezes" as they call them. almost hurts. sometimes my little girl does this twitch thing when she is starting to wind down and sleep. scares me bc i am afraid that the meds did affect her somehow. i dont know. do u c what i mean? on one topic and then jump to another and back. its crzy! my work suffers tremendously bc of this. but i refuse to get back on meds. its just another way for the doctors to make money. i just need to find a safe and natural way of channeling my energy. yoga or something. the thing is that it leaves me dropping way down when i do finally crash. its like a caffiene rush without having any caffiene. anxiety i guess. who knows. and im rambling about stupid shit that doesnt matter.
there is a stain on my sheet. thats what made me think of that title. i dont know what it is. probably some sort of candy or something im sure. i eat alot of choco. i find myself eating alot of everything now adays. i feel so freaking fat all the time now. well... i have always felt fat. i hate getting undressed in front of anyone afraid that they might see my fat. and yes... i am fat bc i am writing that. u got it. fat and ugly and writing a blog bc no one wants me. hahaha. whatever u want to believe. anyways.
y am i writing a blog? well... i dont keep a journal. reason being bc i have a fucker head of a stepfather. i used to write all the time while i was growing up. poems and just journal stuff to get it out of my head. yes some of it was sexual in nature bc i was a teenage girl that liked boys. had i had sex yet? yes. on my parents bed. hahaha. they dont know that of course. anyways he found my journal. it was so small too. one of those itty bitty notebooks with the spiral on top holding it together. and i had hid it in a crack in the little vanity dresser that i would sit at all the time in my room. he had to have stuck his hand in every crack to find it. but he did find it. i dont even know how anyone knew that i had it. he took it and read it and when i got home he sat me down on the couch and read my words back to me. fucker fucker fucker. who does that to someone? there are lots of things that he did that didnt respect anyone elses boundaries. he was so abusive... physically and mentally. my sister and brother are ruined bc of him. my brother does drugs (not cocaine or anything. well i dont know that he hasnt tried anything else but mostly marijuana) and he wont come around my mom, who he blames for the abuse bc she didnt leave. my sister is the sweetest person ever with the exception that she wont tell anyone to go to hell unless they shove her over the edge. she wont drive any further than down the street from her house. and is OVERLY protective of her children bc she doesnt want the same nightmare she endured to happen to them.
me.... well.... i am.... a nobody. i talk to much and cant figure out what this life is all about. y i was put here? the only good that has happened to me is my daughter. she is my life. she is the reason i breathe everyday now. the reason i go to work. the reason i eat so that i can nurse her and sustain her. the reason i am happy around everyone. the reason i hold it all in now. i wont let her see me not breathing. i want her to b happy. i will NOT abuse her and use her like everyone has me. i will allow her to be a child. protect her in every way humanly possible. i will not suffocate her and use her to make myself feel better. i will not let her think that i need her to feel better. i will allow her to live. live a life that i was not given. she will not take care of all of her siblings (if she has any)... that is my job. she will NOT be sexually, emotionally, or physically abused. she will be loved and feel loved. i am curious as to what kind of person she will become as i use the knowledge that i was given to raise her. i want her to be compassionate. not prideful. understanding. loving. caring. STRONG. independent. intelligent. open minded. Great! is it possible though to be these things without having all the poisonous relationships? will she not know the bad and end up with the bad? i guess that is where i decide to tell her about the bad that is out there. u know its one thing though to read about bad and have bad happen. u know what i mean?
well... i knew i wanted to write something today just didnt know what. i feel like going on and on and on. just get it all out. i know that i have time though. i dont say that i have tom bc maybe i wont. maybe this is all that u will knw about me. these 2 blogs. haha
i used to think alot about killing myself. i dont know how many times i pulled out a razor blade and would just hold it and feel it and then just sob... i laid on the bathroom tile in the shower once curled in a ball just sobbing holding the blade. i was by myself at that time bc i had shoved everyone out of my life. my husband. my family. my friends. i was alone. i just laid there thinking 'no one would even knw that i had done it. i would for sure die.' no one ever came to see me or check on me when i was alone. and they knew that i wouldnt answer the phone. bc i wouldnt. and if someone tried to talk to me about what was going on... i would hang up on them. i told my husband that i hated him and to get the FUCK OUT! he just kept touching my arms trying to get me to hug him and kept telling me he loved me. i left bc he wouldnt leave me alone once. i had a one night with some guy that i never even met. soooo fucking stupid. all i know was his name was george and he drove a bmw. thats it. oh i think he lived in austin. who knows. who cares. i had no life that i wanted to live anymore. everyone i had ever known fucked me up in some way and they didnt care so y should i. my body is just a shell. it carries around my soul that will one day be removed and carried to Heaven. that is the only thing that kept me here. the thought of going to Hell for committing suicide. i know that what i did during the 2 years that i lost control of everything should be grounds for me to go to Hell but i do believe that my God is forgiving and he knows that i have bn to Hell already. being sexually abused when u r 5 is Hell. and since i have seen it he will not let me go back there for being drug there innocently. i want to cry so bad right now. i have never really thought that much into it b4. but yeah that was Hell. and i lived in it for 5 years silently until i told my mother. who did nothing by the way. and have lived in it ever since. i am 32 now and will be forever haunted by what happened. i have done therapy, 12 step, emdr (started to but didnt finish), read books, and now i am on positive thinking and trying to love myself. stay focused. stay intact. even though my mind is a fucking rollercoaster all the time! i am writing a book now. haha. well, that is what i started doing this for. to get it out and to stop poisoning my mind with it. from what i have read from others on here it seems like alot of us use this for that same reason.
well... i have to get off bc my battery is about to die on this laptop. wont say that i will b back bc like i said b4... who knows what tom might bring. but believe it will not be by my hand that it happens. i wont do it. :) i love being alive right now. hahaha i cant believe that i can actually write that now. anyways....

"Proceed with Caution..."

"This song comes with a warning..." have you ever thought that some music should have that as a caution? i do. there are many on my list but one for certain... it is by trespassers william "lie in the sound." everyone probably has their song. for me its the underlying feelings that surface when i hear certain songs. the behind the mask that it makes me cautious of. the me that i run from. does everyone have this "other" only they know? i ask myself that all the time. i know that my "other" does exist and i do believe we all have another self that we ignore. whatever it is made of or from. mine was made from tragedy in my life growing up. circumstances that were beyond my control but i have forever blamed myself somehow. but no doubt about it "she" is there. "she" is the only person that knows my fantasies and my sins. what i do live in fear of everyday is her resurfacing. that jeckyll and hyde feeling is very real for some of us that walk, talk, and breathe daily. i dont like to talk or write about this because who wants to sound crazy to the rest of the world? but if everyone were completely honest (rigorously honest) with themselves they would admit that they go out of character every now and then and can not explain why. i guess i believe that by me acknowledging my character and past i have some, maybe not all, but some control of it. maybe not. i was thinking the other night, as i danced with my baby girl, that i will never be able to be honest with anyone the rest of my life. just go day by day and continue the cycle of living everyday. sounds bleak i know... but its not. its hard, o lies about that, but not bleak. anymore. i wonder if one day i might break. LoL. like i did experience recently. i dont write anything out on paper. afraid of someone reading it and finding out the truth. my secret super hero identity. muhahahaha. except there is nothing "hero" about what happened. it was like the black hole that had been created in my heart from abuse finally burst and bled all over me. it was a mess inside and out. one that i dont think i will ever get cleaned up. at least not in my head anyway. i became something that i didnt think existed within me. someone very dark. through therapy i confronted this side of myself but was to weak at the time to control "her." sounds strange but it was definetly not a side of me that i have grown knowing.
i thought that by writing how i feel and getting it out into the universe and hearing that maybe others have the same stuff going on inside them that i might be able to get some peace from it all. "u r not alone." words that i came to know by joining a 12-step. really? i am not alone? someone out there knows what i am going through? when i heard those words and listened to others talk about their experiences i realized that i wasnt alone and it made a huge difference in my life. is the pain still there? everyday! cant get away from it for some reason. i have read numerous books but its not something u can get from a book. healing, i mean.
i just hope that maybe my words can help someone and in return others can help me. through tragedy comes strength. unbelievable super hero strength that unknown to even the host is there. we have to stop living in agony and bleakness and support eachother! open the doors to our freedom and stop letting these monsters that we have encountered destroy us. but we are the only ones that can do it for ourselves. no one else can reach out for us and take anothers hand for support. only u can do that for urself. i just want to connect with others that may share the way i feel about this stuff. if i dont thats fine too. i will at least have gotten this out into the universe as i said before and hopefully gets some peace and freedom from it. :)