"I'm Alive" Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews

I havent written anything for a little while so i decided that it was time again this afternoon. i am not feeling so well right now. physically. nothing major just dont feel well.
i was thinking this weekend that women are pretty amazing creatures. not all good amazing but amazing none the less. women can be pretty cold hearted. the worst part is to be knowingly cold-hearted. u know what i mean? i was feeling pretty low after i attended a friends baby shower. this is someone that i have known since high school and we are both now 32. we lost touch with one another for a really long time but have since gotten back in touch. and this sort of incidence is not the first time for something like this to happen. but she just acted like she didnt even care that i was around. everyone/thing was more important. she didnt even acknowledge that i said things. at one point i repeated myself 3 times to her in front of the group of women and she didnt even look my way. then she told everyone what i had just told her 3 times when i thought that she hadnt heard me. it was embarassing to keep telling her thinking she didnt hear me. i hate other people and the way they think that nothing they do hurts ur feelings. i know that maybe her being like that probably had nothing to do with me at all but it just felt so embarrassing.
i sent out an invite to all of the new mommies and soon-to-be-mommies for lunch. it was for this past monday. i dreaded it all weekend bc i thought that they were all just waiting for the last minute to respond. out of 12 invitees only 1 person came. wow. u can only imagine how i felt. totally and completely rejected. i cant really understand what is wrong with me. i am not unattractive. i am not overwieght and i just had a baby. i am always walking now to keep the belly flat. i am always nice to everyone. whatever. just sucks that people are so rude. i would not do that to someone else. but that is just what makes me different from them. i care.
well... i would write more but i really feel like shit today. body hurts all over. take care blooger universe.

Frustration....

i really hate some men! how dare they make me feel like all i am worth is sexual pleasure for them! i am only worth my body. that is how i have been made to feel my entire life. i am sick of it! i am worth so much more. i have a beautiful baby that i am a mother too and a husband that thinks i am priceless. i am a loving sister to all of my younger siblings. i work hard at my job and my work everyday. i care for and honor my mother no matter what i have been through in my life growing up. i take care of everyone elses feelings all the time and forget that i have any. and still i am just a sexual object. doesnt even matter if i cut my hair like a boy.... that is all men ever see in me. is it my voice? what the fuck is it? i am tired today of taking shit from men. thats it.

"animal i have become" three days grace

i hv bn slipping lately. sucks.
i got this email the other day from a man at work that i talk to all the time that said "i want u." it didnt surprise me bc we always flirt and in the past we did have something but it didnt make me feel the same as in the past either. but it did send me spinning to get away from my current reality. recently my husband quit his job so that he could finish school and we are living on my income. which isnt bad bc i have a VERY good job and my income is very successful but it still isnt enough sometimes bc of the way i live on it. u know bc if u r not healthy than ur finances definetly are not. haha
anyways... bc everything feels like it falls on me right now i would do almost anything to escape reality and cheating is one of the ways i have used in the past. reality sucks for me most of the time. i didnt ask for it to but it does. i hate thinking about the past and everything that has happened to me as a child and now as an adult finally dealing with those demons. so it has taken me a week to deal with the issue... i finally sent him an email tonight and said "we should just stay friends and i dont think that we should talk for awhile." i now hv to stick to this statement. i hv such a difficult time sticking with my decisions when i feel like i can not control anything that is happening around me. sucks.
so this morning, and ALL FUCKING DAY actually, i have bn struggling with not contacting the man that i lost control over. i dont open my heart/soul to anyone. people just hurt u so i dont let people/humans into my world. just as skin. not under it. i let him in. i totally and completely just open my chest and let him grab my heart and squeeze the hell out of it. and thats exactly what it felt like when he decided not to talk to me anymore. like my life was being pulled out of my fucking chest and i couldnt breath. i would get home from work and there would be no one here and i would just cave. my chest would feel like there was this huge gaping hole in it and i couldnt breath and it would literally knock me to my knees in the empty quiet house. it hurt soooo fucking bad! i hv never experienced this before bc as i said i hv never really let anyone that close to me. so i have bn having a really hard time not sending him a message that just simply says "i hate u." thats all i want it to say. and he may come back with "me too." who knows. he may not answer at all bc he is a dick and thats what he does best. be a dick. what does "be a dick" actually mean anyways? hmmmm no he is an asshole! there u go. he acts and is an asshole. LoL
he is married again. i hvnt talked to him in over a year now. no contact at ALL! nothing. so i would b breaking that. but it really fucking hurts u know. my therapist says that he is a sociopath. which completely and totally makes sense bc i surround myself with them. just like my father is what everyone says and i agree. my father cheated on my mother. he left us on the side of the road at our house. my mom had us in the car begging him not to go and he pulled her arm back and threatened her with breaking it if she didnt get out of the car and get us out too. she finally did. me, my brother who was 2 and my sister who was 1. and he got in the truck and took off. didnt see/talk to him again until i was 13. he tried to make his way back into our lives. my stepfather stood in the way of that at the time. i hv recently, at 30 years old, finally had contact with him but he wanted nothing but i love u's all the time and wanted me to call him everyday. he pushed and pushed but told everyone else to give me space and time. i couldnt take it. when my phone got turned off i never called him again to give him the new number. they call it being an avoidant. i dont like people who push themselve on me. i run the other way. but... if u dont want me then i cant figure out why and i want answers. i dont need u to follow me around but i dont want u to not like me. its wierd. but i just want u to b at least a hand away.
i know i am all over the place tonight. i hv just bn juggling alot of stuff in my head the past couple of weeks and then the guy at work just set me off. i try so hard and it is soooo hard trust me to stay in this "sober" life that is suppose to be healthier. LoL
i really hope that i can stick to my decision with this guy. be "good." u know the worst part is that he is fixing to have a baby. i hv asked him b4 what is going on in his life that makes him want to act out and cheat and he says nothing. says that he is happy in his marriage and there isnt any reason other than just wanting to b with me. doesnt make any sense to me. there is def some reason that he acts out. he hangs out at alot of stripper bars too. i think that makes him want to b unfaithful and honestly i cannot believe that his wife allows that kind of behavior. unless she doesnt know about that either. she may not. i couldnt b with someone that went to those places on a regular basis. now if they want to take me i will go with them. i have NO problem with that. i could prob learn some moves. LoL and i think its sexy. inside i hv this HUGE part of me that wants to b a million different things sexually. but for some reason i cant get them to come out. i totally see a part of me that is agressive and just takes what she wants when it comes to sex but when i am there and it is right in front of me i cant move. stage fright i guess. but how do u make that go away so that u can just shine the way u want to??? please if anyone reads this and has any ideas let me know. my comments are not published unless i publish them so u can talk to me behind the blog wall if u feel embarrassed. just tell me not to publish. well if u get ugly then i will publish it so that everyone will know that u r an asshole. LoL
"animal i have become" is def a song that i can relate to. half the time i dont know which side of my animal is going to show up. just have to keep it on a leash which is what i am trying desperately to do. i just want to give up and meet this guy in my car and just go at it though. which would take all but 30 mins in a workday to do. and then i would be crumbling again. i just cant take myself back to that dark world that i knew and was a part of for 2 years recently. i live in a dark enough world as it is without adding more darkness to it. "sober" life is the only life i need to live right now.
stay healthy and happy blog universe.