This is me today.
11 months ago
Monday, November 8, 2010
"last kiss" taylor swift
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG i wish i could do that outloud today. my insides are just screaming!! i cant shake this feeling today. y some days its so strong i dont knw. i hate it. i just dont knw where i am right in this moment. i am plugged up to my ipod trying to numb out and escape by working without interruption. no noise from people around me. my own quiet sad world surrounding my soul. i dont want to wake up. just sleep inside myself. leave me to quiet. leave me to my sadness. leave me to my thoughts. leave me to die inside a little in this moment. i dont want to think about loving or surviving for just minutes. does anyone outside really understand this? can anyone relate?? it doesnt matter bc prob not because it is different for everyone. the quiet.
people in my quad of cubicle life today started a discussion again for prob the 3rd of 4th time in a week about abuse. my body dies inside and trembles at the words that are coming out of their mouths. PLEASE stop!!!!! how do u beg a conversation to stop without saying words for them to hear? i die inside instead. quietly screaming alone. im not exactly sure bc normally i listen to their words, stupid words of nonsense and ignorance, bc they dont knw what they are talking about. no experience on what they are preaching. none. they just think bc they helped some poor unfortunate child that lives in fear and shame that they knw what they are talking about. they think they knw the pain that the child will feel for the rest of thier life. they are so fucking clueless! fucking hurts to listen to it. and i hv just stopped. i cnt take it in anymore. i used to sit and listen for my chance to jump in and correct their ignorance. instead i freak out inside trying to escape from hearing it. i cnt take the fight anymore. the educating people who think they knw everything. its not even about that... its about speaking to dead ears. y bother? y waste my time? i dont hv the strength for it right now either. and every fucking time they start talking about it out comes the vomit that i try so hard every day to swallow down and forget. YYYYYY?????? cant i????? it just makes me so sad and i want to just run and cry. but i am at work. here until 330 and then home to take care of my girl. no time to cry. cnt mess up my makeup. cnt let them see me sad. dont want questions. dont want to go into the shame i feel inside.
so its just me and this blog...
me and my music...
me and my memories...
me and my pain...
me and my sadness.................
some days i feel like i dont knw how i am standing. how i am breathing. how i am able to smile to the people around me. so many hows... i cant even and dont even want to try and explain today. just want to sit and work and just be. is that fucking alright??!!!
and the anger is starting to rise from inside my chest. the burning. the pain that i try to ignore.
i am going to go back to my silence for now. if u need me i will be inside myself. let me. its the only place where i feel welcome. everything is alright here.
write u later blogger people that may only listen bc they have to actually read the words rather than hear them. when u read them u take them in. whatever....
OMG i wish i could do that outloud today. my insides are just screaming!! i cant shake this feeling today. y some days its so strong i dont knw. i hate it. i just dont knw where i am right in this moment. i am plugged up to my ipod trying to numb out and escape by working without interruption. no noise from people around me. my own quiet sad world surrounding my soul. i dont want to wake up. just sleep inside myself. leave me to quiet. leave me to my sadness. leave me to my thoughts. leave me to die inside a little in this moment. i dont want to think about loving or surviving for just minutes. does anyone outside really understand this? can anyone relate?? it doesnt matter bc prob not because it is different for everyone. the quiet.
people in my quad of cubicle life today started a discussion again for prob the 3rd of 4th time in a week about abuse. my body dies inside and trembles at the words that are coming out of their mouths. PLEASE stop!!!!! how do u beg a conversation to stop without saying words for them to hear? i die inside instead. quietly screaming alone. im not exactly sure bc normally i listen to their words, stupid words of nonsense and ignorance, bc they dont knw what they are talking about. no experience on what they are preaching. none. they just think bc they helped some poor unfortunate child that lives in fear and shame that they knw what they are talking about. they think they knw the pain that the child will feel for the rest of thier life. they are so fucking clueless! fucking hurts to listen to it. and i hv just stopped. i cnt take it in anymore. i used to sit and listen for my chance to jump in and correct their ignorance. instead i freak out inside trying to escape from hearing it. i cnt take the fight anymore. the educating people who think they knw everything. its not even about that... its about speaking to dead ears. y bother? y waste my time? i dont hv the strength for it right now either. and every fucking time they start talking about it out comes the vomit that i try so hard every day to swallow down and forget. YYYYYY?????? cant i????? it just makes me so sad and i want to just run and cry. but i am at work. here until 330 and then home to take care of my girl. no time to cry. cnt mess up my makeup. cnt let them see me sad. dont want questions. dont want to go into the shame i feel inside.
so its just me and this blog...
me and my music...
me and my memories...
me and my pain...
me and my sadness.................
some days i feel like i dont knw how i am standing. how i am breathing. how i am able to smile to the people around me. so many hows... i cant even and dont even want to try and explain today. just want to sit and work and just be. is that fucking alright??!!!
and the anger is starting to rise from inside my chest. the burning. the pain that i try to ignore.
i am going to go back to my silence for now. if u need me i will be inside myself. let me. its the only place where i feel welcome. everything is alright here.
write u later blogger people that may only listen bc they have to actually read the words rather than hear them. when u read them u take them in. whatever....
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