No music...

So I am trying to keep strong and listen to my whatever the fuck it is inside me that is telling me he will never ever change and u deserve better. U deserve someone who loves u for all of who u r!! Y do I insist on letting some man make me feel like shit?! Accuse me of having affairs and that I am seeing 2-3 other men. That I am sending them the same pics and songs that I send him. And he isn't even the man I am married to! I just feel like I need him and I love him. I just knw how he is when he is not being an ass! He is caring and sweet and loving. He holds me and kisses me and laughs with me. He has this "big laugh" that I call it when he thinks something is really funny or silly. His chin/jaw is square and muscular. He is tall so when he holds me I disappear n him where I feel safe and loved. My husband and me r just like friends. We don't hv that type of relationship anymore. I cnt forgive him for the past. But my daughter needs him n her life and I won't take that from her like it was taken from me. Of course it would b much different for her bc neither her dad or myself would ever leave her life but I just cnt. And we get along with each other. Don't fight or anything. Just hang out and take care of her. I don't give him the wrong impression of our relationship and he is sad about it but I cnt change how my soul feels about him. He left me unattended where my heart and soul r concerned for pretty much out entire relationship.
Anyways... I miss the man I hv bn seeing though. But I cnt forgive him anymore either. No matter how he makes me feel he has done nothing but LIE to me! And recently his biggest lie knocked me over and drowned me. We had bn seeing each other for a couple mths now and everything seemed like I was dreaming. I was soooo fucking happy and just living in this fantasy in my head that we might actually hv something this time and filling out my dreams that we might actually b able to move in together and live together and wake up together and I could cook for him. I just had to work on getting back to work. And I was doing that. Then I was going to meet him for lunch one afternoon and I got a text from a woman that used to b my friend telling me the office gossip. I hadn't heard from her for a couple mths and had stopped talking to her. So what a surprise to b getting a text from her. And the content of the text sent the room spinning for me... :(( one of the office gossip pieces was that his wife and him were hving another baby! I thought I was going to throw up and everything felt like it went black. But I had to swallow it down to say goodbye and leave to go meet him.
Since then my heart/soul never really recovered. Everything that I thought was going great and all the fantasies n my head just turned to ashes. With just a few words on a text. And then during Christmas his wife puts a bunch of pictures on his Facebook and apparently they hv known about the pregnancy since Halloween time. Which meant he knew from the start of us talking again and didn't feel the need to tell me! Mind u I just lost his baby in July! I felt so betrayed an sooooo fucking stupid!! :((( I still do. I couldn't leave n that moment bc I didn't want to make the wrong decision bc everything had bn feeling so perfect. Truth is I should hv but I needed time to understand that.
So now I am sitting here at night posting a blog to get it out of my head. If I blog about it I'm not emailing him or texting him. When I feel the need to email or text him I will just put it in here instead and hit post instead of send. :(
Fucker! I am sick of hurting and being n pain for him. He has bn my life since
Last may no matter any lie or hurt. I just wanted him. :(( and now I hv to learn to let him go.