???

Im scared....
i am unbelievably scared. u know its not that i dont recognize that i have a problem bc i know that i do. and i am tired of running from it. tired of hiding from it and tired of pretending that everything is fine. im scared bc i dont hv the time anymore. im scared bc i dont want to abandon or disconnect from from my daughter now or in a few years. the only way around it is to get help. help that i dont have the time for. i work 9 hrs + a day and i only get on a normal day 4 hours with my girl. 4 HRS!! i counted it tonight as i was rocking her to sleep. out of a 120 hrs in a 5-work day schedule i only get 20 hrs with her. that sucks! i mean i am doing everything i humanly can to make those hrs as special as i can and take her in as much as i can but i just dont want to take 2 hrs out of those 20 every week to take care of myself. but in the end i know that it is those 2 hrs that will prob save my relationship with her. i know this. and as of tonight i am almost running for the door to find a meeting although there are no meetings going on right now. i am scared bc i know that i will have to find people to contact in times where i am weak. i am scared bc i knw that i need to work the program through and do the steps. i am scared to bring all of that shit to the surface. but truly what other option(s) do i have at this point??!! none.
i feel like my higher power (if given a name to connect with it... God), knows when i am truly going through something and he throws me some sort of sign and a life line. the past couple of weeks i have really been starting to go through the mess again. the mess that i worked so hard to get out of. the mess that has me questioning some other things that only two people on this earth know about. something that could be soo destructive that i want even say it out loud. i only hint about it and these others 2 people knw what i am talking about. its utterly horrible. but i keep going. i am stressed to my limit right now. i am working full time and taking care of everything while my husband finishes school. it was my idea bc i need him to finish so that he can help me. but now i am just not so sure it was the best of ideas. i have to pay for his school which is going to be $4500 by jan. i really dont know where this money is going to come from. and can i keep from spending the money that is suppose to go into his hands for school???.. no... bc i am in my addiction. completely and totally in my addiction. and it hurts.
so the life line or sign that i was given... i turned on the TV last night and there it was. not sure if blogger universe knows of Dr. Drew but he is a therapist that deals with addictions. he has had mutiple shows on MTV and VH1. "Sex Talk with Parents" "Celebrity Rehab" "Sober House" He is truly my hero. i only wish that there was a dr drew here where i lived. in fact tomorrow i am going to be on a search for one at work through my eap program. i currently have a therapist but i think that i need one that is more specialized in the addiction that i am going through. the sex/love addiction. anyways... the knew show that he has on that i randomly found and could NOT believe was "Sex Rehab with Dr Drew" WTF?!?! i mean its Great that he is out there and making people aware that this really is a horrible addiction and that it isnt something that is "normal" and u dont hv a problem. u do!! and it ruins peoples lives and the people around them. i knw. i speak as one. and the shity part is that out of the 8 people on the show. 7 of them, 7!!!!! are survivors on sexual molestation of some sort. hi... i am a sex/love addict bc a fuckerhead showed me that i am nothing but my body and to get love/attention i have to offer that to others - men in order for them to stay with me and love me and pay attention to me. yep... all i am is a toy. i am not the smart girl that took care of all of her siblings when her parents checked out and grew up to go to college, become an accountant, own her own house, car and now have a wonderful child of her own. i am an object. an object that knws how to completely disconnect from her body and let others have it so that i can have a "friend." someone that will talk to me and want to hang out with me and tell me i am beautiful. and this object has hurt everyone and anyone that has come close to her. some dont even knw she has. i sometimes dont knw y i am allowed to exist? y i hv to exist? but for some reason my higher power thinks i need to be here. whatever...
so am i going to start going to a meeting at least once a week. yes. bc i want to b a mother to my child. not somebodies object. i dont want her to have to attend meetins later when she gets older. i want her to enjoy her life. not worry about 2 hrs out of her day with her child later. i love her. she is everything to me. and if any fuckerhead ever lays a hand anywhere near her body... he will not survive another day to smile. never again will that animal ever smile!!