"Satellite Heart" Anya Marina

so i saw my new therapist today. how was that? fucking scary thats how! but she is specialized in child sexual abuse and she is an addictions specialist. or so she says. well all week i have just bn on pins and needles worried about this appt. couldnt figure out y. just thought it was bc of it being a new therapist blah blah blah. so u knw that show that i was talking about last time? well a couple things hv come from it. first of all the denial of my sex addiction which still just sounds like i am some freak or something. next is what happened in therapy. so i was telling her about how i act out and she was asking me how i feel when i do. well i was telling her that i dont feel. i disconnect from what is happening. i hv had practice doing this my whole life. pretending not to feel. its easy. EXTREMELY easy which is scary. but anyways... she asked me how old do i feel when this is happening bc i told her that i become someone else. which is really what happens. i told her that i hv never really given it any thought. but as i was sitting there i realized that she is about17 or so. and i said that to her.. so her response was "sounds like the 17 year old comes out to protect the 5 yr old." WTF?!! r u kidding me? "sounds like she comes out to be the tough guy and protect." ok so first of all let me wrap my head around the fact that i finally knw the age of the fighter inside me and second of all she thinks she is protecting my 5 yr old that was abused?! so u knw what happened? and i am being soooo fucking serious. the 17 yr old that i internally struggle with... she lost it. its like my insides were so pissed that i finally admitted that she was a part of me and knwing her age made it even more interesting. i wanted to pull over on the side of anywhere and go into whatever bar place i could find and just hit the counter. i wanted to scream! i drove home like this for a good while. just being angry. its like she couldnt just take over anymore bc i knw she is there and the adult in me understands how much she knws. i just felt horrible. sooo sad and depressed. mad and hurt. so intense. and i realized that the act of wanting to drink and "relax" was a way to escape the pain. the pain that everyone keeps telling me i need to feel. so what did i do? i sat in the pain as i was driving home and felt it. i let my 17 yr old feel let her listen to what music she wanted and i talked to her. yes i knw this sounds incredibly crzy to someone that doesnt understand what this is like or is completely unfamiliar with intense pain like this but it is not i can assure u. i am just trying my best to heal. that is all i can do. day by day heal. i am tired of acting out and not taking care of myself mentally. sucks. i hate disconnecting to feel like i mean something to someone. i hate not being able to b present in every situation in my life. i hate not being able to hv a cell phone bc i dont trust myself to use it for every use to be "bad" and act out. it sucks living like this and living in shame. i hate it. i just want some relief. who knws if i will ever b free of it but i need to at least be active with protecting myself from being the addict i knw i can be that lives inside my every fucking day of my life. its insane!! i just want to live semi "normal." if thats possible. i dont know. but anyways. i hope life is good out there in blogger universe. happy blogging. hahahaha whatever. :)