"WTF?!"

So i hv bn so angry lately. not outwardly, just inward. i am so sick of everyone telling me stuff like... "well, u r a stronger person bc of what happened to you..." "u hv to accept it and learn to live with it and..." WTF?! what is that? if i had a choice i dont care to be stronger bc some fucker head decided that it was his right to take away my innocence at the age 5! if i had a choice my father would NOT have abandoned us when i was 5! if i had a choice my mother would NOT have bn so selfish and would hv thought that maybe my children are hurting too bc of their father. if i had a choice the other countless fuckerheads that i have encountered would have left me the FUCK alone!!!! what did i do to deserve watching my brother and sister being beaten on whenever some asshole stepfather of ours had a bad day. what did i do to deserve any of what happen to me as a child and young adult?! fuck being stronger bc of it! Fuck accepting it and just learning to live with it! i hv every right to be so fucking pissed off at everyone!
i watched sex rehab tonight. i was in tears! my heart just bleeds for 2 of the people on the show. the gay Duncan who was horribly abused as a child and the Bitch KariAnn who everyone hates bc she doesnt want to deal with the shit that has happened. Duncan is awesome! such a Beautiful soul and doesnt even know it. so in the show tonight they had him talk to the psycho dr about how he was feeling and the guy told him that "every time he acts out he is hurting that little boy (his inner child) over and over again..." my oh my... there is ALOT of truth to that. i dont normally attach pics to my postings. but the 17 yr old that acts out and thinks she is protecting the 5 yr old in me looks like the pic that is attached. doesnt really give a shit about feelings. just takes. takes what she needs to survive. takes what she wants to feel worthy. which is sexual. y does sex make her feel worthy? bc that is how she was taught to love. hahahaha fucking pervs that make us the way we are. i knw that i am NOT the only person out there that has bn put through this Hell. i knw that i am NOT alone but with all of my soul i feel so fucking alone. sooooo fucking alone!!
what do i want? i want someone to love me. i want someone to smother me with their love. i want someone to say fuck no u cant talk to that person. i want someone to challenge me and put down rules. i want someone to guide me and not fucking trust me. i want my father. a father. i want that man that was suppose to give a fuck about me. i want the man that was suppose to protect me and love me so fucking much that he could hardly love himself. i hate him! i hate him! i hate him! how could he allow me to b so vulnerable? how could he have left me so unprotected? he was my world. my heart belonged to him and was wrapped around him forever. but he didnt care. he just broke me. and here i stand... searching for him in every man i meet. and forever i will be let down. bc there is NO man on earth that could/would ever love me as much as my father could/should have. so to the man that was suppose to unconditionally love me and protect me from the real monster that walk, talk, breathe, and surface every day i say..... FUCK YOU!! and i hope that u do live every day of ur life hating urself for the pain that u hv caused me. and to every man that is out there that ever does read this... if u r one of those fathers that left ur children abandoned... shame on u! and Fuck u! bc the pic attached to this blog is prob what ur little girl looks like on the outside/inside.
goodnight blogger universe...