"Because of You" Reba McEntire & Kelly Clarkson

i was on my drive home last night and this song came on. i began just sobbing. tears just falling. i hv bn struggling with something this past week and i cant put my finger on it. something hurts. i think that bc it is hurting me emotionally it is killing me physically as well. just eating at my heart and soul and body. i just havent had the time to sit down and take it in and possible recover from it. its making it hard for me to be present and making temptations harder. my therapist asked me monday if i am going to b ok while she is on vacation for 3 weeks. i mean i have to b right. she is just another person and she needs her breaks and her life. i just wish she could walk beside me for one day and hold my hand like a child. just show me what foot to put in front of the other. i am self taught and that is a scary thing. i am naturally clueless as to what to do next i feel. my boundaries are there but not strong. i couldnt hold one up to save my life prob. it sucks to feel so insecure about who i am suppose to be. where my smile should come from?
there is a guy at work. 26. of course. i dont knw y the younger ones are so attracted to me. he thought i was 28. hahahaha. i am 32. not old but not in my 20s anymore. i dont really wish to be but only to maybe change some things every now and then. so what do u think he wants from me? well of course thats what he wants. he tells me he lives 10 mins from work. hahaha i hv bn to this place b4. its like deja vu. this is exactly the same path the last course took. it was the guy upstairs and then someone that i work with in my group and then asshole that was married and lied to me and i gave up everything for, and then just men to try and escape the pain. destractions. and a few of them only one night. easy ones. so here i am escaping in the same exact pattern. upstairs and now a guy that i work with. so freaking crzy that my head is spinning. and it is my fault. do i clse the door to this new hit?? no. bc then what? i am getting older and feel ugly. fat. just gross. i like to b told that i am not. wow that is awful isnt it? prob so but i dont care. u dont knw me. i am so brutally honest on here that i sometimes cant believe that i write this stuff.
so i write this stuff to get some perspective on it but no one ever says anything. makes me even more like an idiot and awful person. which is prob true. anyways. i just had to get some stuff out this morning. i may add something later.