"battlefield" jordin sparks

how and y do we forgive so easily?! i was thinking about this yesterday as i was driving home from work. i wasnt doing all to great yesterday. i hv bn doing so well but i guess my mind starting catching up with me and thoughts come up like vomit when that happens. i was reading another users blog yesterday and they wrote about how people are "hiding from reality" and that "we're all running away from something or someone." story of my life. thats y i hv this blog now. to write down my reality when i need to. it may look like i am an open book by this blog bc i write down evrything about myself so that the universe can just read it and judge me and hate me but its not like that. i write it all out to get it out of my head bc it is so poisonous. the venom that my thoughts seep out could be deadly for me and have come quite close to being just that in the past. but i am quiet the opposite. few, if any, people really know me. i am only close to my family and not even that lately. i shut down ALOT. i isolate continously! there isnt a day that goes by that i am not isolately myself from the rest of the stupid obnoxious world. there are few people that i get along with completely. actually there is only one person that i get along with and truly love and that is my husband. yessss..... i know what i did in the past to him makes that sound like a lie but i dont know what was going on inside me then and i still dont. how can u love someone so fucking completely and do the things i did??!!! i am a horrible person for it! i know that and i beat myself up for it everyday. every-fucking-day! i hate it. but i ultimately cannot change the past. whats done is done. i can only look forward and hope that i can make the changes now and the future. thats all i can ask of myself. do i slip? yes, occasionally i do. but i am not perfect just as no one else walking on this planet is. my God is the only perfect being that i am fortunate to know and love. i hv gone through all of the questions about my God, as everyone else has, but i know that he is there and he does love me and cares for me. i dont need to explain how i know this but i do. he shows me everyday through my daughter.
backing up to forgiveness though... how does our mind do this? is it bc we want so badly for something to be "right" and just make it go away that we forgive? how can someone rip ur soul from ur body (just an expression) and hurt u so badly and u turn around and just let them back into ur life? im not sure i understand this. i hv let horrible people back into my life without even an apology. just bc i want so badly for them to b a part of my existence. but y do i want these black souls to be a part of my one life here? sometimes i just think i can change them somehow. make the past never happen (but it did) and they will love me. the past never happened and they always loved me. whatever...
well... i just wanted to take a break from work and write out was weighing on my soul this afternoon. i hope u r having a great day if anyone is reading this in blogger universe.