"what it is to burn" the finch

OMG! okay... life as a sex addict. LoL i hate it! im not one of the sex addicts that watches porno or obsessed with porno. not one of the sex addicts that should be locked away or anything. i am a tame (in a way) sex addict. what i mean is that i am aware of it and i control it. i guess in a a way i bottle it up. i know that is just a recipe for disaster but what else am i suppose to do with it. i mean i have and still will in the future if needed attend meetings and see my therapist when i feel it is overwhelming me. but its a day by day thing.

today was soooo incredibly difficult. i am not sure what triggered me but my palms were actually sweating and i had to leave for lunch and go to target to breathe. i went to the bathroom sometime before lunch and almost lost it. i have someone at work that i flirt with occasionally. nothing more than harmless flirting but i start it most of the time. back to the bathroom. so i wore this black mini skirt that came above my knee and was pretty tight. i had on thigh highs that have lace on top. i wear them every time i wear a dress or skirt. thong of course. and tight lacey black and white top that was low cut. i had on my black pointed heels that are pretty high. when i went to the bathroom i felt so crazed all of sudden. i put my leg out in front of me and imagined raising my skirt to reveal the lace on my thigh high and putting my heel on a man's chest. this would allow him to look up my skirt and see my black thong and well... u can imagine what else. i dont want to go to deep in to detail. thats all u really need to know to know that my mind set me off. ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! i hate controlling this.

the guy that i flirt with has tattoos. i have this thing for tattoos on men with dark skin. wow! u dont even want to know where my mind goes then. hahaha i think george clooney in "from dusk til dawn" was so incredibly HOT in that movie. his tattoos were amazing. across his shoulder blades and down his arm. makes men look so strong to me. i just want to watch their muscle flex as they grab me and take me down softly but then just hold me down with their strength. LoL this is definetly not somewhere where i need to be right now. i am trying to be "good." i have bn doing really well. on sept 29th or so of this year i will have been sober for a year. woohoo! i just hv to remember i can look but cant touch. which is so fucking hard and so disappointing. and its not that i am not taken care of in that department. trust me. i am by my husband. i just want and want and want. i am afraid of what he would think of me if i told him what i was really thinking sometimes. well... i hv and he took it well and we tried it but he was scared of hurting me. i can understand that i guess. but if a woman tells u to take her and tells u what to do to her just fucking do it!!! trust that she is going to tell u if u r hurting her. if she isnt complaining most of the time it is going to be alright. well... i shouldnt say that. there are women that wont say anything bc they dont want to disappoint the other party. in that case i dont know what to say. those women will let u hurt them and they wont say anything. i hv bn there. u just want to make the other party so happy. i totally get off to the other person wanting me sooo fucking bad that they just take it. i want someone to want me so bad that they can not control themselves. and when they fuck me i want them to just fuck me. not worry about if it is hurting me or if i am about to get off. i get off to feeling the other persons aggressiveness and power. maybe that is everyone. i am not really thinking about everyone right now just about myself. that is what i like.
so i dont want this to be porno or anything. i just had to get this out of my head today. it is just making me crzy holding it in and it is making me anxious and wanting to act out even more. i was so bad too bc i did sort of act out today. i flirted harder than i should have with someone and that is not good. i dont regret it but i shouldnt do it. i dont know if that makes sense. but i dont live with regret for my past. i have the awareness and i know what i am doing. i just know that i cant take it any further and that i have to stop. its just sooo hard to do! living this life is so fucking hard sometimes. honestly. i hate the people that made me the way that i am. bc unfortunately i am the way i am bc of fuckerheads. i dont blame myself for anything that has happened but i hate the people that created me! i have to live with their disease bc they passed it on to me. their fucking addiction to alcohol, sex, lies, etc. i hate them!
'what it is to burn' is the best song ever. i love the way it makes me feel inside and all over. i turn it up really loud and just take it in. just let it take over my mind and body. literally.