"what is that stain?!"

i dont even know why that title today. i wish i could figure out how to slow it all down. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Is anyone even out there in blogger universe? i cant figure this blogging thing out. i dont care anymore. i am just going to write. if anyone ever reads this and cares to comment i would appreciate it. even if it tells me that i complain/whine to much and no one cares. so i read some of the blogs on here this past weekend. i wanted to see what this whole thing was all about and also wanted to see how censored it is. know my limits. HA doesnt look like there are many limits on what u can/cant write about on here. so here it goes. since last week i have noticed that i can NOT concentrate on one thing. i have 5 things going on at once it seems like. most of the time it doesnt seem like it i really do. its so fucked up! my head is just spinning and wants to do it all at once. i actually start feeling shaky. i was on meds last year but stopped taking them when i got prego. didnt want to hurt my unborn. the withdrawals were so horrible. i still have them today. "brain freezes" as they call them. almost hurts. sometimes my little girl does this twitch thing when she is starting to wind down and sleep. scares me bc i am afraid that the meds did affect her somehow. i dont know. do u c what i mean? on one topic and then jump to another and back. its crzy! my work suffers tremendously bc of this. but i refuse to get back on meds. its just another way for the doctors to make money. i just need to find a safe and natural way of channeling my energy. yoga or something. the thing is that it leaves me dropping way down when i do finally crash. its like a caffiene rush without having any caffiene. anxiety i guess. who knows. and im rambling about stupid shit that doesnt matter.
there is a stain on my sheet. thats what made me think of that title. i dont know what it is. probably some sort of candy or something im sure. i eat alot of choco. i find myself eating alot of everything now adays. i feel so freaking fat all the time now. well... i have always felt fat. i hate getting undressed in front of anyone afraid that they might see my fat. and yes... i am fat bc i am writing that. u got it. fat and ugly and writing a blog bc no one wants me. hahaha. whatever u want to believe. anyways.
y am i writing a blog? well... i dont keep a journal. reason being bc i have a fucker head of a stepfather. i used to write all the time while i was growing up. poems and just journal stuff to get it out of my head. yes some of it was sexual in nature bc i was a teenage girl that liked boys. had i had sex yet? yes. on my parents bed. hahaha. they dont know that of course. anyways he found my journal. it was so small too. one of those itty bitty notebooks with the spiral on top holding it together. and i had hid it in a crack in the little vanity dresser that i would sit at all the time in my room. he had to have stuck his hand in every crack to find it. but he did find it. i dont even know how anyone knew that i had it. he took it and read it and when i got home he sat me down on the couch and read my words back to me. fucker fucker fucker. who does that to someone? there are lots of things that he did that didnt respect anyone elses boundaries. he was so abusive... physically and mentally. my sister and brother are ruined bc of him. my brother does drugs (not cocaine or anything. well i dont know that he hasnt tried anything else but mostly marijuana) and he wont come around my mom, who he blames for the abuse bc she didnt leave. my sister is the sweetest person ever with the exception that she wont tell anyone to go to hell unless they shove her over the edge. she wont drive any further than down the street from her house. and is OVERLY protective of her children bc she doesnt want the same nightmare she endured to happen to them.
me.... well.... i am.... a nobody. i talk to much and cant figure out what this life is all about. y i was put here? the only good that has happened to me is my daughter. she is my life. she is the reason i breathe everyday now. the reason i go to work. the reason i eat so that i can nurse her and sustain her. the reason i am happy around everyone. the reason i hold it all in now. i wont let her see me not breathing. i want her to b happy. i will NOT abuse her and use her like everyone has me. i will allow her to be a child. protect her in every way humanly possible. i will not suffocate her and use her to make myself feel better. i will not let her think that i need her to feel better. i will allow her to live. live a life that i was not given. she will not take care of all of her siblings (if she has any)... that is my job. she will NOT be sexually, emotionally, or physically abused. she will be loved and feel loved. i am curious as to what kind of person she will become as i use the knowledge that i was given to raise her. i want her to be compassionate. not prideful. understanding. loving. caring. STRONG. independent. intelligent. open minded. Great! is it possible though to be these things without having all the poisonous relationships? will she not know the bad and end up with the bad? i guess that is where i decide to tell her about the bad that is out there. u know its one thing though to read about bad and have bad happen. u know what i mean?
well... i knew i wanted to write something today just didnt know what. i feel like going on and on and on. just get it all out. i know that i have time though. i dont say that i have tom bc maybe i wont. maybe this is all that u will knw about me. these 2 blogs. haha
i used to think alot about killing myself. i dont know how many times i pulled out a razor blade and would just hold it and feel it and then just sob... i laid on the bathroom tile in the shower once curled in a ball just sobbing holding the blade. i was by myself at that time bc i had shoved everyone out of my life. my husband. my family. my friends. i was alone. i just laid there thinking 'no one would even knw that i had done it. i would for sure die.' no one ever came to see me or check on me when i was alone. and they knew that i wouldnt answer the phone. bc i wouldnt. and if someone tried to talk to me about what was going on... i would hang up on them. i told my husband that i hated him and to get the FUCK OUT! he just kept touching my arms trying to get me to hug him and kept telling me he loved me. i left bc he wouldnt leave me alone once. i had a one night with some guy that i never even met. soooo fucking stupid. all i know was his name was george and he drove a bmw. thats it. oh i think he lived in austin. who knows. who cares. i had no life that i wanted to live anymore. everyone i had ever known fucked me up in some way and they didnt care so y should i. my body is just a shell. it carries around my soul that will one day be removed and carried to Heaven. that is the only thing that kept me here. the thought of going to Hell for committing suicide. i know that what i did during the 2 years that i lost control of everything should be grounds for me to go to Hell but i do believe that my God is forgiving and he knows that i have bn to Hell already. being sexually abused when u r 5 is Hell. and since i have seen it he will not let me go back there for being drug there innocently. i want to cry so bad right now. i have never really thought that much into it b4. but yeah that was Hell. and i lived in it for 5 years silently until i told my mother. who did nothing by the way. and have lived in it ever since. i am 32 now and will be forever haunted by what happened. i have done therapy, 12 step, emdr (started to but didnt finish), read books, and now i am on positive thinking and trying to love myself. stay focused. stay intact. even though my mind is a fucking rollercoaster all the time! i am writing a book now. haha. well, that is what i started doing this for. to get it out and to stop poisoning my mind with it. from what i have read from others on here it seems like alot of us use this for that same reason.
well... i have to get off bc my battery is about to die on this laptop. wont say that i will b back bc like i said b4... who knows what tom might bring. but believe it will not be by my hand that it happens. i wont do it. :) i love being alive right now. hahaha i cant believe that i can actually write that now. anyways....