"only u can love me this way" keith urban

i heard this song on the way home from work a couple weeks ago. i just sat there and started to relate it to my qualifier. that is the first place that my mind goes. sucks but it does. then as i sat there listening to it i said what the hell am i doing. i started thinking and relating it to my husband. it made me so happy inside. y was i relating it to that fuckerhead, my qualifier. he didnt deserve it. he isnt the man that i love and that loves me in return. something that i am NOT used to and didnt even realize until i started going to therapy and attending meetings. the reason that i go the other way with my husband is bc he is the one and ONLY man that has ever come into my life and not wanted anything from me. only to love me. only to take care of me and support me. my mind says that this is not right and it runs. i 'learned' something completely different in my young mind. but u can work on changing this unhealthy version of what ur mind was taught. it really was the strangest exercise i had ever put my mind to practicing. instead of going where my mind wanted me to... the man that met me, took my heart and put it in a blender, was married and lied to me, who abandoned me just like my father, who kept coming back and pulling me in only to leave me again the same way three times! not a word from him when he would disappear. i would obsessively call and text him and look him up on myspace. i didnt know anything about him but where he worked and what kind of car he drove. he didnt let me in bc he was married and i was naive. he was an idiot. he saw me ALL the time for a month and then just stop contact for no reason at all. i still dont understand it. i know now that they call his type a 'sociopath.' he is like my father. exactly. really scary.
my husband is nothing like him. my father. he is the exact opposite and i dont know that kind of man. men only want to touch me. want to get near me to fuck me. after 29 years of this type of man coming into my life and me just ignoring them i couldnt any longer. my heart was broken by all of it and i just let them have what they all wanted. and it made them happy and they wanted me. forget how i was wanted... they wanted me. i just wanted someone to want/need me as much as i wanted/needed someone. i wanted that, what i thought it was, passion that i needed to breathe. that incredible spark when someone unknwn and off limits touches ur skin. someone to push me against the wall and agressively take me. push against me and just take what they wanted. even if i didnt want it. its not passion though. its my addiction. i dont let anyone into my heart. i made that mistake with my qualifier. its only physical. but y wasnt i feeling these things with my husband. y was i not wanting him to b the one to push me against the wall and tear off my clothes? i am trying to remember what it was that my therapist told me was the reason y i pushed him away. y i didnt let him do these things to me.
my qualifier... i still fell him in my throat. what i felt for him was so intense and still is. i cant go to his myspace or facebook. it makes me feel horrible. the last time i did look at his facebook he had remarried. he got divorced after our thing. i am not really sure y. i think from following his wife's myspace she found out that he was being unfaithful. i will never know how bc i wasnt even suppose to know he was married. the first time he was in my life he was "single." he told me everything i wanted to hear and texted me/called me non stop all day until he got home with her. since i didnt know anything about this. i never even dated in high school bc my stepfather wouldnt let me. i didnt know the evils that were out there when it came to men and dating and stuff. i got suspicious after a mth of seeing him and making my husband leave that something was going on. i got sick and he went to the hospital to see me and be with me when they released me and i noticed on his phone that some girl stacey was calling him alot. HA it was his wife i later found out. and when i did and i approached him about it. he fucking stopped contact with me. just dropped me. bc of the addict i have in me and bc i never let anyone in and did with him. i broke into a million pieces and thought i couldnt breathe. i kept having anxiety attacks and my chest kept feeling like it was caving in on me and i couldnt breathe. i would literally fall to my knees on the floor sobbing. it was soooooo fucking intense. but it was always intense when i was with him so this was no different without him. y wouldnt it stop???!!!! y could i not get this one to leave?!!! get out of my fucking head??!!! it was my birthday the next day and he was suppose to have taken me out. my world just felt like it was dying around me. i cant remember ever feeling this bad except when my father left me. yes... that is where i remember the feeling!! this is exactly y i am writing this and getting it out. to get it out and try to understand it. it happens that way actually. when i go to the meetings and therapy and do the work (steps) things come up and fall into place. i just cant do the program. i feel like it is a little bit of a brain wash. u just have to b very careful bc it can absorb u and u hv to b able to do what they tell u "take what u need and leave the rest" i hv a friend and know others that cant even put their foot in front of them if the program doesnt tell them to do so. i mean i live in fear but my fear doesnt control me. and i wont allow others to control me.
wow to let a man have this control over my heart? what was wrong with me? what happened to me and the wall i had built to protect my heart? how did he get in? the only thing i can think is that i let him kiss me... i know it sounds crzy but everytime he would disappear (this happened 3 times b4 i said "fuck you - u r not doing this to me again." and i changed everything - phone number etc so that i couldnt b contacted and pulled back in by him) but everytime we would disappear the one thing i couldnt get out of my head was his kiss and his lips. the scar on his lips. the way he tasted. the intensity. how i could not get enough of his mouth on mine. i cried thinking about it. no one is allowed to kiss me after this first time. kissing is the window to the soul. and open fucking door in my mind. and no one. no one ever will b there again. my soul is the only fucking thing keeping me here. my body doesnt and isnt. my soul is very vulnerable and is hurt.
i am going back to sleep. i wrote 'the kill' the other day but didnt get to publish it bc the baby woke up and i never got back to it.
please dont read my thoughts and life and think that this is it... this is depressing. bc my life is so very different now. i am still learning myself but in a safer environment and one that is loving. there are people out there that do love me and want to love me. but i did realize that i am not fucked up. after reading some of the blogs that are out there... i am completely normal for someone that these things have happened to. i just want to share what has happened with my life and hope that i can reach into someone else soul and help them find some answer or relief from it all. life is so overwhelming at times and it helps to have the support of people that understand what u r going through. it is important to know that u r not alone and that others have pasts. others are just as fucked up as u feel. hahaha some even more. u just hv to figure out how it works for u to channel ur fuckedupism and make it feel somewhat safe and happy. that is what i am working on. i am not going to jump off into the scary again. not going to let the people that fucked me up ruin the life that i can have. fuck them!!!!
lots of love to u all!!