"The Kill" 30 seconds to mars

i am an open book on here. i want this stuff out of my head......
i started therapy finally at the age of 29. i was breaking down. my soul was so sad i could barely walk. it hurt to do anything. but still i kept smiling. the smile that everyone loved and knew. i took care of everyone and i was the rock. i have forever suffered from depression but no one listened to me. as far back as i can remember my soul suffered. i think at times that i dont belong here. i feel as if i belong back in the western times with the old dresses that had the corsets and lace up boots. riding sideways on the horse. do i read romance novels? nope. never have. hate them in fact. but my heart and soul belong in the country. i just feel like i have always bn older than everyone around me. maybe its bc i had to care for everyone all the time. i have bn taking care of my siblings since i was 6 yrs old. my stepfather was suppose to be taking care of us but he did his drugs in the garage behind the house while i cooked, cleaned, and took care of my 3 and 2 yr old brother and sister inside. i never got to be a child. i wonder ALL the time how i managed to do it. after i had just bn sexually molested by my uncle when i was 5 on numerous occasions.


my father left when i was 5. he abandoned us. i remember him leaving like it was today. i dont even have to close my eyes to see him drive away and never look back. i loved him sooo fucking much. i was daddy's little girl and he... didnt love me back. it breaks my heart. now i find myself in a place where i have bn diagnosed with a disease. sex... love.... avoidant.... addiction??? i have bn attending meetings since aug07. i stopped going when i got prego though bc i didnt want to stress out while prego. didnt want the baby to know depression. i did really well while i was prego. i just stayed happy. didnt think about the past and the shit that was there and is there lurking. i just stayed happy. for her.


its so crzy the places ur mind will go sometimes. the places u will let urself go to just bc u dont give a shit anymore. my body didnt mean a damn thing to me. all any man has EVER wanted from me is sex. i dont mean anything else but that. it doesnt matter that i have a heart and that i want more than anything to be loved. the thing is that i will never feel loved. reason being bc my dad did what he did to me. bc he left and never loved me back i tend to fall for guys that will never love me in return. haha funny how that works. i was reading a book recently, didnt finish of course (habit of mine), called 'get out of ur mind and into ur life.' it is a really great book if u can find time to read it and take it in to really understand it. it is by steven hayes. it talks about how we learn something. say a pic of a dog. and we learn that the dog goes 'bark.' but if there is something that interupts that sequence like everytime the dog were to bark u get hit. then everytime a dog barks u r going to flinch. something like that. it makes sense in my head. the example they give is a sunset and how most people find sunsets relaxing and wonderful and they make them smile while others will cry at a sunset. maybe bc they saw a sunset when someone the loved passed away. well i learned from the beginning that no one will love me for my heart. only for my body and what i can give them. my dad is an asshole. people should not be able to just have children. there should be an application that they have to fill out b4 getting prego. people fuck people up. whats sad is that there are so many fucked up people out there. bc of fucked up people. hahaha. my uncle was a child molester and his brother was too. from what i have learned... molestation is a learned behavior. sooooo that means that somewhere in there family there are other child molesters and they were molested themselves. wow. at the time that my uncle was molesting me... his brother was molesting my cousins. how can a father let their children be molested. he had to have known that his brother was doing that to his own children. un-fucking-believable. i just learned of this last year. my cousin finally, after 25 years, came out and told what was happening. haha after they all called me a liar. except my mom. she believed me she just didnt do anything about it after i told her. only called my aunt who said i was lying. i am not really sure y a 10 year old girl would lie about something like that but hey what do i know.


so i broke when i turned 29. i got married to a wonderful man that i have bn with for 14 years and i broke. i couldnt take it any more. my mom and siblings fell apart bc they said that they didnt know anything about how i was feeling. its funny bc i told them ALL the fucking time i was hurting. i broke my moms heart. but they all broke mine. i threw them all out of my life. i wouldnt answer the phone, would hang up on them if they started talking shit and telling me that i was doing wrong and y was i treating my husband the way i was. forget the fact that my whole life has bn nothing but shit. i have ALOT of anger built up from all of this. but its not really bad anger its just an angry side that i like to vent out every now and then. but i am not a rage person or anything like that. instead of taking it out on anyone else in fact i internalize it and turn it against myself. that is y i felt like killing myself so often. i hate myself. i hate the things that i did during the years following my 29th birthday. i gave up.



the title is a song. a song that reminds me of my qualifier.... i hate him.... but always think about him. another fuckerhead.