"Proceed with Caution..."

"This song comes with a warning..." have you ever thought that some music should have that as a caution? i do. there are many on my list but one for certain... it is by trespassers william "lie in the sound." everyone probably has their song. for me its the underlying feelings that surface when i hear certain songs. the behind the mask that it makes me cautious of. the me that i run from. does everyone have this "other" only they know? i ask myself that all the time. i know that my "other" does exist and i do believe we all have another self that we ignore. whatever it is made of or from. mine was made from tragedy in my life growing up. circumstances that were beyond my control but i have forever blamed myself somehow. but no doubt about it "she" is there. "she" is the only person that knows my fantasies and my sins. what i do live in fear of everyday is her resurfacing. that jeckyll and hyde feeling is very real for some of us that walk, talk, and breathe daily. i dont like to talk or write about this because who wants to sound crazy to the rest of the world? but if everyone were completely honest (rigorously honest) with themselves they would admit that they go out of character every now and then and can not explain why. i guess i believe that by me acknowledging my character and past i have some, maybe not all, but some control of it. maybe not. i was thinking the other night, as i danced with my baby girl, that i will never be able to be honest with anyone the rest of my life. just go day by day and continue the cycle of living everyday. sounds bleak i know... but its not. its hard, o lies about that, but not bleak. anymore. i wonder if one day i might break. LoL. like i did experience recently. i dont write anything out on paper. afraid of someone reading it and finding out the truth. my secret super hero identity. muhahahaha. except there is nothing "hero" about what happened. it was like the black hole that had been created in my heart from abuse finally burst and bled all over me. it was a mess inside and out. one that i dont think i will ever get cleaned up. at least not in my head anyway. i became something that i didnt think existed within me. someone very dark. through therapy i confronted this side of myself but was to weak at the time to control "her." sounds strange but it was definetly not a side of me that i have grown knowing.
i thought that by writing how i feel and getting it out into the universe and hearing that maybe others have the same stuff going on inside them that i might be able to get some peace from it all. "u r not alone." words that i came to know by joining a 12-step. really? i am not alone? someone out there knows what i am going through? when i heard those words and listened to others talk about their experiences i realized that i wasnt alone and it made a huge difference in my life. is the pain still there? everyday! cant get away from it for some reason. i have read numerous books but its not something u can get from a book. healing, i mean.
i just hope that maybe my words can help someone and in return others can help me. through tragedy comes strength. unbelievable super hero strength that unknown to even the host is there. we have to stop living in agony and bleakness and support eachother! open the doors to our freedom and stop letting these monsters that we have encountered destroy us. but we are the only ones that can do it for ourselves. no one else can reach out for us and take anothers hand for support. only u can do that for urself. i just want to connect with others that may share the way i feel about this stuff. if i dont thats fine too. i will at least have gotten this out into the universe as i said before and hopefully gets some peace and freedom from it. :)